Thoughts

Sometimes, when I use a public restroom in, say, a Target store or a Caribou...I wonder, if I were homeless, how could I get away with sleeping in here?  And I think, how would I do that?  If I waited in the bathroom until the store closed would anyone check the bathroom?  And if they did, what would I say?  How could I get myself out of that jam?  And then I think, well if I were homeless, I could sleep in my car.  With my two kids.  My car isn't that big, maybe I could trade it for a van.  That would be more comfortable at least, a little more roomy.  We could store some stuff, well more stuff than if we just lived in my car.  And then I start thinking about, how the car, or van, would start to smell after a while...I mean with just the smell of living, and food, and then I start thinking about about how much I hate the drive in for that very reason.  because the car smells like food and humans and it is just gross to me and if you open the windows, then mosquitoes get in and my kids and I welt up like crazy from mosquitoe bites.  it is insane how badly we react.  If we lived in Africa, we would need more than just mosquito netting, we would have to bathe in deet.  Actually, we would probably just die of malaria right away.  But back to the smelliness of the car/van, I mean even in my house it sometimes does not smell good, which is why they make products such as Febreze, plug ins, candles or fabric softener sheets.  I actually burn incense a lot at home.  Sam and I say a prayer most mornings and light an incense, so hopefully my house smells like that more than food and human.  I even have this awesome candle I got at World Market that smells just like a man.  Well, not like any man I have ever known, but like how I would want a man that I know to smell.  It is called Indian Sage or some such scent and I wonder if that is not a key to tell what kind of man to be open to, an Indian Sage.  but is that like a politically incorrect Native American or a man from India?  I suppose both cultures would produce sages. And then I wonder if they would smell like my candle?  How disappointing if I found my "Indian Sage" and he didn't smell like my candle.  That would be sad.  It might end things right then for me.  I can be fickle in that way.  And I suppose the scent in a Target bathroom overnight might not be the best.  But a Caribou bathroom, yea, I could sleep deeply with the coffee smell lingering around me all night, and I could probably sneak out of the bathroom once the doors were locked and snooze on the couch.

Sometimes I think about stuff like that,

Gabbi

Quality Problem

I SHOULD know better than to start a new book on a Sunday night.

I really should. 

But, I don't.

I read the big huge long book Gone Girl in two late night/early morning sessions.

Both starting after 9 PM and ending after 3 AM.

Can I just say I work and this whole pleasure reading business is cutting into my precious sleep time??

But what a lovely problem to have.

Sitting up in bed, left butt cheek hurting from not moving for so long because the book has me on this "OMG HE TOTALLY FREAKING KILLED HER!!!....WAITAMINUTE, DID HE???...HOLY SHIT!!!....."

Why is my stomach growling?  Oh, it is because I am awake way past the time I should be and now my body is hungry.  For cereal.  Cereal eaten while hunched over so I am able to balance my book, read it, slop cereal into my gaping maw WITHOUT getting milk on the book, and at the sme time trying to elbow shove my naughty kitten away from the bowl.  (Seriously, these are the times I am so thankful to be single and be able to do things such as this without having to worry I will be spotted.) But that cat is one determined bastard, he takes rejection like nothing I have ever seen and remains undeterred in his quest for Rice Chex cereal in milk. While delicious, I do not know that I would take being repeatedly elbowed away, flicked at, leg flail kicked at, to get some.  Ok, I know, that I would not be willing to endure any of those things for Rice Chex cereal in milk.  Now, if we were talking...yea, I can't even think of anything that delicious.

Finally, I gave up trying to fend off the cat, scooped my cereal bowl into the crook of my arm, held my book in front of my face, refusing to stop reading. Tried to stealth open the door to the upstairs without the cat sneaking up there with me, which required, some balancing and more leg flailing kick thrusts at the cat to shoo him away from the door, and a quick and satisfying slam of the door.  Ahhh, I escaped.

I ran upstairs, sat back down on my bed after shoving Sam the five year old who can make a king size bed appear to be a toddler bed, what for all the room the little bed hogasaurus leaves me, plop down and immediately, my left butt cheek hurts again.  I squiggle myself over to the foot of the bed, and I say squiggle because I am still trying to hold the book in front of my face and unbunch the pulled back covers from under my tummy, which I am now laying on.

Back to "That lying piece o'....holy crap, that's crazy....no FREAKING WAY!...uh oh this is not going to end well....run, stupid RUN!!!"  Yes, I talk back to my books.  Again, being single can be a blessing.  I used to have to do all of this craziness perched on the edge of the bathtub, silently convulsing in shock/fear/sadness, kicking my legs in angst, waving my arms in frustration...thank goodness there was no video camera in there.

I just could not put that book down.  I was on night two of marathon reading.  I kept looking at the clock, thinking "oh crap, it's 12:30.....oh crap it's 1:30.....OH CRAP it's 2:30, well only a  few chapters left anyways" 

3 am I was done with the book, I flung myself backwards onto my pillow exhausted mentally and physically and thought "That. Was. Awesome."

Totally worth it,

Gabbi

 

 

Restless

I am not quite sure what is happening, but I woke up yesterday with a restlessness in my being that hasn't been there.  It is a feeling that is familiar, though I cannot recall a specific time when I have had it before.

How do you wake up one day comepletely discontent with the life that was just fine for you yesterday?

Suddenly I feel as though I am not doing my life's work.  That I have somehow missed the mark and am off my life course. 

In a day.

Is that how it happens?  One day you just wake up, feel restless and then you make drastic changes?

Drastic changes sound frightening and wonderful.  The specifics of those changes have not come into view.  So, maybe they are awful or wonderful; it is a mystery.  For now I just feel a tug on my heart for something else.  I have no idea what that tug is, but it makes me look around at my life and think "How did I get here?".

The tug is telling me I want to help people, but how?  I have no idea.  I know deep in my heart I want to help people, including myself, live better lives.

Bogged down with choices and questions such as; am I wearing the right thing, is my house clean, does doing my lifes work include health benefits, can I still pay my mortgage, and should I dye my hair purple..all of these feel huge and unmanageable.

Suddenly my life feels unwieldy and clumsy.  Who am I that I think I can help others when I am sobbing to my bestie about someone not liking my pants and being broke and just wantinog to go buy a new belt and why does a belt cost $28, and why are people so NOT NICE???

Familiar restlessness; I have to many little notebooks each with a little tidbit of my life that I MUST REMEMBER. Birthday party on Saturday, did I RSVP?  Do I need to RSVP?  Do I have enough money for a gift?  4H sign up, doctor appointment, did I make sure to write down all my questions that I need answered for my health insurance, did I take my medicine today, what time is that meeting, when are conferences, is my library movie due,  why do I wake up 8 times a night, do the dishes ever end, my undie bin is empty, I hate these pants.

All kinds of minutiae clogging up my brain, making me feel stuck and unmanageable.

I wish I had a reset button. 

Again, how is it that I wake up one day and a life that was just fine yesterday is suddenly not fine anymore?

Restless,

Gabbi
  
 

 

Connections, Challenges and Choices

I made a connection with someone from my past. 

My unenlightened, bitter, angry past. 

Initially, I was excited to renew this connection.

Ok, yes, this was an old boyfriend...LOL.

The desire to show him this new person that I am, and maybe not even a NEW person, but the true person that I am was so strong.  Calm and accepting, loving and kind, all the things I always wanted to be way back then, but was not brave enough to be vulnerable and express. 

Oh! To share this true self brought me a feeling of joy and anticipation.

Until...

I started to lose it all.  Finding myself saying things I would NEVER say. Losing my equanimity and my peacefulness, feeling angry and wanting to control. I was making snide comments when he didn't behave just how I thought he should behave. 

Finding myself not liking who I was and how I felt when I was with him, it was awful.  We had a conversation about it, and he really pissed me off by speaking the truth, that maybe this true self of mine, hadn't been challenged yet. Once I was challenged, I shrunk right back into that old familiar spot of anger, walls, cruel judgment and nonacceptance. 


Fuck that. I had no desire to hear that crap, least of all from HIM.  Who was he to judge and know and THEN have the balls to say it?

And where did this anger at hearing those words come from??  I am a Hippie Peace Lover, not Angry Bitter Girl.  I have a peace sign sticker on my car, I freaking meditate, I am not Bitter.

Yea, I was SOOOO Bitter.  So, Bitter that I decided if I were a coffee blend, it would be called "Gabbi's Blend" and it would be Bitter and strong and "NO! YOU CANNOT HAVE CREAM OR SUGAR WITH THAT!"

I hate Gabbi's Blend.

And so, I took a time out.  I tried to reset and get my balance back.    I prayed about being challenged and worked through my shame of reverting into old behavior patterns.  I attempted to sit with my feelings of YUCK and accept them and embrace them.  All tough stuff, thankfully, I had Pema Chodron to help me through. She calls it The Detox Period:

  THE DETOX PERIOD


"When you refrain from habitual thoughts and behavior, the uncomfortable feelings will still be there. They don’t magically disappear. Over the years, I’ve come to call resting with the discomfort “the detox period,” because when you don’t act on your habitual patterns, it’s like giving up an addiction. You’re left with the feelings you were trying to escape. The practice is to make a wholehearted relationship with that."

(From Living Beautifully With Uncertainty and Change-Pema's new book!)


A dear friend explained that maybe I was just working old crap out.  That maybe, this was good practice for me.  I have a tendency in relationships to be a damn doormat.  Mold me, shape me into whatever you want me to be and I will be happy and accomodating, that tends to be my reaction to relationships.

This time, it was nothing but anger.  I was pissed.  I am still pissed, and for no good reason.  I am just plain mad.  I am mad for how I have been treated, I am mad that I ACCEPTED that treatment and I am mad I didn't stand up for myself.  I deserve so much more than what I have accepted in the past as enough. 

I am working out old crap. 

Here is where the choices come into play. 

I choose to not repeat old habitual patterns.
I choose to be peaceful. 
I choose to have people in my life that foster that feeling of peace inside of me.
I choose to be happy.
I choose to not be with people who, when I am with them, I don't like myself.
I choose to be a little selfish.
I choose to be joyful.
I choose to make choices that are in MY best interest.
I choose to accept that sometimes, those decisions will not make others happy.
I choose to accept me, just as I am: a peaceful, hippie, liberal, strong, happy, sometimes with a splash of Gabbi's Blend woman. 

A Chooser,

Gabbi
  

Burn Baby Burn

So, after the whole 'pizza talking to me' incident over the weekend, I did get to a meeting last night.  Which was a feat in itself because

I. Did. Not. Want. To. Go.

But, i went because as I was thinking of all of the excuses and reasons why I don't really need to go, I strolled to my mailbox and there was a letter from a fellow OA'er. 

Fine. I'll go.  UGH!

I got to the meeting. In the parking lot, I was still resisting going inside, dreading the failures walk of shame back into a meeting.  Ok, it's not REALLY like that, only in my head is it the failures walk of shame. Thinking of all the sad reasons I went off program, and the yucky food thoughts and how I should share that and have a little pity party. But, I realized, i don't really feel pity for myself and I am not sad about going or about food.  Hey!  I had just had a whole day of clean eating, I am actually happy, AND I got to the meeting.  I don't have to feel shame, I can walk in and be happy, happy to be there, happy that the pizza spoke to me and prompted me to come back to a meeting, happy that I had a good day. 

So, I did. 

During the day though, I had decided that I should have an exercise goal.  And instead of it being a timed goal, or a distance goal, it should be a calories burned goal. 

DUM DUM DUM

I went online and learned (I mean I am sure I already knew this somewhere in my brain, but why think when there is Google?) that 1 pound is 3,500 calories.  That is a lot of calories. My thought is that if I want to lose a pound a week, I would need to burn an extra 500 calories per day. 

DUM DUM DUM

I think to myself, pshh, this is nothing.  500 calories, no big, I got this.  So, again, I Google calorie burning exercises.

DUM DUM DUM 

Do you have any idea the kinds and lengths and for how long you have to do shit to burn 500 calories????  So, I run and I enjoy it.  I am thinking my 2 mile run should be about 500 calories. 

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Yea, if I ran 2 miles AN HOUR it would burn like 273 calories (or some such thing, I try not to be to technical or accurate; it is exhausting).  So, I would have to run AN HOUR. 

An hour.  Of running.

Ummm, no. 

I was totally discouraged.  Then I scaled back on my plan and thought, if I burn an extra 250 calories a day, that is 1/2 a pound a week, and on my food plan I save 250 calories a day from my normal eating, maybe that will make up the difference for my 1 pound a week theory.

So, last night, I started my new 250 calorie a day burn by watching 2 episodes of Intervention and bawled my head off. 

I wonder if crying burns calories???

Feeling the Burn,

Gabbi


 

SO MUCH!!

Lately, I have been working towards keeping that negative voice in my head a little quieter.  I read a little thing about Radical Acceptance.  Radical Acceptance of myself.  I am not even sure what that is, but it sounds good.

Food has been a struggle again.  Friday night Grace and I had pizza for dinner, and the whole weekend I kept wandering back to the fridge to eat a little more.  I couldn't stop thinking about it, the pizza was haunting my thoughts.

The whole while the pizza was talking to me, the nasty little troll inside my head was also yammering away.  Telling me how fat I am, and if I had any self respect at all I would throw that pizza in the trash.  I weighed myself, and I had lost 3 pounds.  Which should be a good thing, but the troll kept telling that since I hadnt been running that I lost 3 pounds of muscle and look how flabby I am now.

Finally, I sent the rest of the leftovers with my nephew just to get it to stop talking to me.  The pizza can talk to him for while

Why is food and exercise such a struggle?  Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with myself and my progress.  I should be proud that I have lost 73 pounds over the last 3 years.  And yet, all I can think of is how many more I have to go and how I am not being very disciplined and do not exercise regularly.  It is such a vicious battle.  I do not want food to be my foe.  I want food to be nourishment, but it takes on all types of other roles for me.  Pizza especially has this weird effect on me.  If it is in my fridge, it is all I can think about.  Every time I open the fridge, I grab a piece.  I know, I know, don't have it in the fridge.  I am not even sure how it gets there...ok, fine, I put it there.  Whatever.  Don't judge.  Again, see, when I say "don't judge" I should be saying that to MYSELF.  Ugh.

I have been off my food program.  Today I have armed myself with the tools I need to follow my food plan for today.  I have to stop thinking about more than just this next meal.  The thought of having to eat appropriate portions for the rest of my life is terrifying.  So, just this next meal I will eat appropriately.  And tonight I will go to an OA meeting.  I don't have to participate or anything, just be there. 

I look at my messy bedroom and the troll starts in, what a slob, seriously, who has a twin size mattress, half in and half out of the closet?  Can't you just hang up your clothes instead of draping them on a laundry basket?  Why do you let Sam drag his toys in here?  The craft closet is a mess.  You know, 2 good hours and this place would look awesome, but no, you sit here watching endless hours of Storage Wars instead.

As an aside, I freaking love Storage Wars.  I have no idea why, but I could watch it for hours on end and sometimes, I do.

I need to accept the fact that sometimes, I am lazy.  And that's ok.  Isn't it?  I sure hope it is. 

And yet, at the same time, I am enjoying who I am, purging unnecessary things from my home, paying my bills, taking care of my kids and truly enjoying my time with them. Stating my needs and wants in relationships clearly, not expecting anyone to read my mind, and am peaceful and accepting of whatever comes after that. I have rejected bad behavior in a manner that was graceful and kind and non-judging (at least outwardly, which is all that counts, as far as I am concerned).


I have been educating myself on things I find interesting (Eleanor Rossevelt). Spending my time in ways that are fulfilling. Saying no to things that I don't want to do and yes to ones I do, with no judgment of myself either way.

Allowing myself to be who I am, mean troll thoughts and all. Radical Self Acceptamce. It is a tall order, but one I feel compelled to attempt.

One thing, is I have given up the early morning, laying in bed thinking "Ok, today is the day that I get skinny, apply my makeup like a pro, dress stylishly, scrub my house, speak only kind and loving words, think only kind and loving thoughts, don't judge, be the perfect mom, be the best employee ever, work out, be supportive and kind to all of my friends and still get to bed on time and wake up refreshed and perfect."

Somehow, that never works out for me. 

Today, I am accepting of "My hair is up in a clip, my clothes mostly match, my kids got on the bus with their lunches, and I so far, have eaten on program today, and I have shared my insanity with others and maybe they feel the same way and can find comfort in the fact that, they are not alone with their own troll in their head".

Radically Accepted,

Gabbi

     

I Did It To Myself

I have been working through a Pema Chodron CD set on The Fearless Heart.  it is a collection of meditation CD's to help us peacefully handle some of the harder times in our lives.

Ok, so, when this started, I was still feeling pretty blissed out from finding a new church and really getting into my meditation practice and kind of coming into my own.

I was listening to the first CD and she says to try to recall or call up a time when we felt frustration or hurt.  Really feel the feeling and explore it and hold it.  Be gentle to it, meditate through it.  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN to be completely frightened by my reaction of "Oh, I cannot think of a time when I felt that way right now...how odd.  You know, I feel pretty good, this might be kind of difficult for me...tee hee, I am so happy and peaceful I don't really relate to any of this."

That. Was. Dumb.

That very evening I endured a snide comment from a dear friend about focusing more on my triathalon and a little less on all of this other stuff (like meditation) because "no one wants you to die during the triathalon."

Mmmm, well, thanks for that bit of encouragement.  Immediately I was all "OOOOH, THAT is what annoyance and feeling judged and shamed feels like...That's right.  I had forgotten all about the clenching tummy and burning chest and the desire to scream a naughty F word at the top of my lungs. But, hey!  There you are, all remembered and such.  

My enlightened response: "I will do what I want."

I should have known when discussing going swimming with my daughter and mentioning, "You know, I have to practice swimming for the tri" and she nastily says "Why are you even doing that, you have barely been running."

Hello there, clenched tummy, burning chest ooh and a little heart pounding thrown in there just to make sure it sticks. and the desire to scream a naughty F word at the top of my lungs.

My enlightened response :"I don't need all your judginess, Princess"

The "princess" part was said so that it didn't mean  Princess in a good way.

That night my son came down with a fever, and vomiting, I barely got any sleep.  I felt so bad for him, but knew I had to come in to work due to staffing issues (Thank Goodness for Grandma!)

To be gently told that "someone"  yes, the infamous "someone" complained of my cleavage. Well, not really my cleavage, but the tattoo on it.  

I had no enlightened response to that one.  I didn't even have an unenlightened one.

I could not help but bawl big hiccupping sobs in my office. 

And it really was told to me as kindly as possible.  But it was just all this gal could take.  So, I cried.  All the while thinking, if I had gotten more sleep, if it weren't full moon tomorrow, if I hadn't had the other crappy things go on, I wouldn't even be bothered by this."  Which is all probably true, but those things did happen and I didn't get much sleep and I was crying at my desk. 

Any you know what I did? 

I laughed.  I laughed because I remembered my little egotistical thoughts of "Oh, I can't relate to this frustration and hurt business".

I did it to myself. 

The Universe calmly and assuredly reminded me what it felt like to feel shamed and judged and frustrated. 

And I got the lesson. 

I cried at my desk for a few minutes and comforted myself saying "Sweetie, you have handled a lot this weekend.  And you made it.  Cry it out now, feel it, and be thankful.  Be thankful that you know to calm your mind, slow down your breathing.  That you know how to breathe in peace and breathe out love.  That you can bless the people who have hurt you unintentionally and even the ones who knew what they were doing.  That you can acknowledge when your body needs more rest than it has gotten and you respond to that need.  You are good and kind and true."

I can see that all of the things that were said really weren't that big of a deal, except for the weight I gave them.  I allowed small comments to trigger my own shame, doubt and fear and I held onto those words and made them bitter and hurtful.  No one else did that but me.  I see my part.  And I am ok.

Tonight when I meditate, I will have no problem recalling the feeling of tummy clenching, chest burning, heart pounding wanting to scream a naughty F word feeling. 

Naughty F words have their place,

Gabbi