This weekend I had some thoughts that have been hanging around in my head, just observations and musings, but they need out. So, I might have something to say.
First, watching The Biggest Loser this week, Kristen, the woman who was voted off, said something in her follow up interview that really struck me. She said that it was hard for her to say she wanted something because it was to hard to express her desire to have/be/do something.
I almost fell off my chair because it was like she opened the book of my heart and read it out loud for the whole world to hear. And it hurt. It hurt because it is true, I am afraid to say "I want" for fear of rejection/disappointment/hurt/ridicule. It is funny, because I can say all kinds of things on my blog and I love that other people read it and see what I am saying and feeling, but to have someone physically look at me and know that I have desires and needs that are unfulfilled is the scariest place in the world for me. I want to be an island unto myself, self supporting, self nurturing, self sustaining. But I am not. I cannot do those things for myself, I need other people and that is risky and scary. To a certain degree we can and should provide those things for ourselves, but at what point do we start looking for other things, inappropriate things, to give us comfort?
The last few days I have been taking a close look at my feelings and why I am having them and what I am doing about them. Friday I was feeling super anxious and flighty and I realized it was because I was worried about how someone else was feeling. I was upset and anxious, not because of anything to do with me, but because of my fear of how someone else MIGHT be feeling. It was a light bulb moment. I have the power to feel how I want to feel. I can decide to be happy, and I can decide to have anxiety. So I stepped back and looked at myself, just me, and asked myself "Am I ok?" and the answer was "Yes." So, I had to let go of the anxiety because it had nothing to do with ME. Relief was not immediate, but I focused on being ok and relief came and my anxiety was gone. That right there is a perfect picture of my co-dependence.
Stepping back and looking at who I am right now is tough and painful and exhausting. Looking at events in my life and how my own actions contributed to my own pain and then figuring out where to go from there, ugh, not a journey I look forward to, but one I must take.
In the grand scheme of things, I like who I am. But I have some co-dependant tendencies and self doubt and pain that hold me back. I don't want to be held back anymore.
Is anyone else out there in this same place???
Becoming more self aware,