Right now there isn't a ton going on in my life, other than work and my kids, which is plenty. But, since I am drama free at the moment, yesterday I felt the need to create some for myself.
Out of the blue, I realize it is November 8th. NOVEMBER 8TH! Christmas is just around the corner...and here is where things start to get fuzzy....
Me (in my head, of course, because if I actually said it out loud, well then it would be ridiculous): Oh crap, it is November 8th. NOVEMBER 8TH, it can't be, but it is, shit. Have I even thought about Christmas. Nope. Will I have money for Christmas? Oh yeah, I have money for Christmas, I am good there. I got this. But wait, what if I don't have any Christmas traditions? Do I have Christmas traditions? Do I make the holiday special enough for my children? Does this mean I have to buy Sam toys, because I JUST cleaned out his toys and to have to do it again would royally SUCK. I hate cleaning, I really need to clean the upstairs bathroom. I think I ight be out of toilet paper...one more stop to make, I need to make a list Ugh, and Grace's list, the older she gets the more expensive she is. Wait, do I have Christmas traditions? No, no I don't. Great! my kids will grow up with no good warm Christmas memories and I will have failed as a parent. Maybe I could quick join a religion that doesnt celebrate Christmas... but not Jehovah's Witness, are there other ones that dont celebrate??? I could become Jewish, except then I have eight days and eight nights of unfulfilled children, forget it. Ok, wait, I do take the kids to the Holidazzle parade and we ride the light rail...ok I did once last year, but I will do it again this year and it will be a tradition. If you do it more than once, that makes it a tradition, right? My hair looks crappy today, should have at least put on makeup. So after this year, I can say it is our tradition. Phew, that is one. Well, we also open one gift on Christmas Eve, which is always pajamas. Matching jammies make cute Christmas morning photos. Am I losing sight of the big picture here? this is supposed to be about the birth of Christ not toys and traditions. Well, it is about toys and traditions and I better get my butt on the toys and traditions train before it passes me by. The kids are getting older, Sam thankfully won't remember other Christmases, but does Grace? Does Grace have good memories? Do I have toilet paper? When am I going to have time to shop??? What will I buy??? OMG Santa photos....Do we bake cookies? Does the house smell good and Christmas-y? Are rice krispie treats cookies???
and on and on it went until my stomach hurt and I felt panicked.
This is what I call Motherly Guilt. I haven't had that in awhile. Guess I was due.
Totally over Christmas,
Gabbi
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I got TOLD
Riding in the car last night Sam was being a pistol. And by a pistol, I mean a screaming banshee because I was making him get in his carseat. God forbid.
Sam: STOP PUSHING ME! I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!
Me, trying to be calm, but seriously, I am so annoyed at this point: Sam just get in your seat we need to go home.
SAM: DON"T TOUCH ME! YOU ARE HURTING ME! MY ARM, YOU TOUCHED MY ARM!
Me: I am not even touching you. Stop being so dramatic.
SAM: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! STOP TALKING TO ME!
Me: You are not being very nice and I don't like how you are talking.
SAM: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!
Me, the thought crosses my mind to...ok, we won't go there.
I finish buckling him, amidst screams and guttural moans that I am sure to my moms neighbors sound like I am killing my child. Which, I. AM. NOT.
I get in the front seat and I hear this:
Sam (totally normal voice): Mom, could I have some candy when we get home?
ME, incredulous: Umm, no, not after how you just acted.
SAM: WAHHHHHHH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE....CANDY
Me: You know what, I am not talking to little boys who talk mean. Conversation over.
Long silence.....
Sam quietly: Grace?
Grace: Yea buddy?
Sam to Grace: Don't talk to mama, she is an evil witch.
Sam to me: You know what? Grace and Sam don't talk to evil witches, how 'bout that?
He showed me,
Gabbi aka Evil Witch
Sam: STOP PUSHING ME! I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!
Me, trying to be calm, but seriously, I am so annoyed at this point: Sam just get in your seat we need to go home.
SAM: DON"T TOUCH ME! YOU ARE HURTING ME! MY ARM, YOU TOUCHED MY ARM!
Me: I am not even touching you. Stop being so dramatic.
SAM: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! STOP TALKING TO ME!
Me: You are not being very nice and I don't like how you are talking.
SAM: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!
Me, the thought crosses my mind to...ok, we won't go there.
I finish buckling him, amidst screams and guttural moans that I am sure to my moms neighbors sound like I am killing my child. Which, I. AM. NOT.
I get in the front seat and I hear this:
Sam (totally normal voice): Mom, could I have some candy when we get home?
ME, incredulous: Umm, no, not after how you just acted.
SAM: WAHHHHHHH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE....CANDY
Me: You know what, I am not talking to little boys who talk mean. Conversation over.
Long silence.....
Sam quietly: Grace?
Grace: Yea buddy?
Sam to Grace: Don't talk to mama, she is an evil witch.
Sam to me: You know what? Grace and Sam don't talk to evil witches, how 'bout that?
He showed me,
Gabbi aka Evil Witch
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween
This Halloween brought new chllenges for me. For those in the know, I am in Overeaters Anonymous, I have a food plan and that plan does not include sugar.
Holy crap, it is Halloween, which is all about the sugar.
Of course, I still took my kiddos trick or treating.
I was exhausted from overscheduling myself over the weekend and then stayed up until 3am on Saturday reading a book! Self sabotage much??
The last few years, a friend and her family pick us up and we ride on a trailer pulled by their four wheeler. The adults relax on hay bales and hide under blankies while the kids run like maniacs from house to house.
While riding on the trailer with the other adults, I felt sad that I could not raid the kids' candy bags as they hopped on and off. Every year on the trailer the adults go through and pick out what they like and the kids jokingly holler at the adults for being candy stealers.
After, we would stop at Grandmas, the kids got to show her their haul and then we would sort candy.
The kids would give me the stuff they didn't like, and then Grandma and I would share that, plus I would eat as many mini candy bars as the kids would let me steal without making them mad.
This year, I missed the tradition of eating their candy while on the trailer. But I knew that the only difference was that I was not eating candy. I was still enjoying their enthusiasm, especially Sam, he was the smallest, but definitely the fastest, running as fast as he could from house to house, running back to the trailer, throwing his candy bag up onto the trailer and then scrambling up himself, it was so cute.
But, I still felt a sense of loss.
When we got to my mom's afterwards, Grace sorted her candy on the floor and Sam sat at the table with me and started sorting his. I was aware of how much I really wanted to eat his candy. I examined those feelings, because I had no desire to eat Grace's candy, just Sam's. I wonder if that was because I would be able to get away with it, because Sam would never notice, unlike Grace who sorts her candy and then catalogues it...she is a bit much. ha ha ha
After Sam was done sorting, I had a sinking feeling that this candy was going to beat me if I gave it any kind of room to do so. I asked my mom to keep sam's candy. She protested, until I said "I really can't have it in the house right now." She immediately understood and said she would put it away.
I was surprised at my feelings of wanting to binge on candy, but at the same time, I was so tired and felt I probably should have anticipated that the holiday would trigger some old feelings. I was totally able to see that even while it was happening and took steps to mitigate how I felt.
When I got home, I enjoyed my healthy snack and got some much needed rest.
Today, I feel good, not even a twinge of a candy urge.
Thanks to the program for teaching me to HALT. Never get to Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired.
It also has lead me to start thinking about the even bigger Holidays that are coming and what I can do to deal with the feelings they will bring on. I realize, I will need a good solid plan and lots of support.
Not the Candy Monster,
Gabbi
Holy crap, it is Halloween, which is all about the sugar.
Of course, I still took my kiddos trick or treating.
I was exhausted from overscheduling myself over the weekend and then stayed up until 3am on Saturday reading a book! Self sabotage much??
The last few years, a friend and her family pick us up and we ride on a trailer pulled by their four wheeler. The adults relax on hay bales and hide under blankies while the kids run like maniacs from house to house.
While riding on the trailer with the other adults, I felt sad that I could not raid the kids' candy bags as they hopped on and off. Every year on the trailer the adults go through and pick out what they like and the kids jokingly holler at the adults for being candy stealers.
After, we would stop at Grandmas, the kids got to show her their haul and then we would sort candy.
The kids would give me the stuff they didn't like, and then Grandma and I would share that, plus I would eat as many mini candy bars as the kids would let me steal without making them mad.
This year, I missed the tradition of eating their candy while on the trailer. But I knew that the only difference was that I was not eating candy. I was still enjoying their enthusiasm, especially Sam, he was the smallest, but definitely the fastest, running as fast as he could from house to house, running back to the trailer, throwing his candy bag up onto the trailer and then scrambling up himself, it was so cute.
But, I still felt a sense of loss.
When we got to my mom's afterwards, Grace sorted her candy on the floor and Sam sat at the table with me and started sorting his. I was aware of how much I really wanted to eat his candy. I examined those feelings, because I had no desire to eat Grace's candy, just Sam's. I wonder if that was because I would be able to get away with it, because Sam would never notice, unlike Grace who sorts her candy and then catalogues it...she is a bit much. ha ha ha
After Sam was done sorting, I had a sinking feeling that this candy was going to beat me if I gave it any kind of room to do so. I asked my mom to keep sam's candy. She protested, until I said "I really can't have it in the house right now." She immediately understood and said she would put it away.
I was surprised at my feelings of wanting to binge on candy, but at the same time, I was so tired and felt I probably should have anticipated that the holiday would trigger some old feelings. I was totally able to see that even while it was happening and took steps to mitigate how I felt.
When I got home, I enjoyed my healthy snack and got some much needed rest.
Today, I feel good, not even a twinge of a candy urge.
Thanks to the program for teaching me to HALT. Never get to Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired.
It also has lead me to start thinking about the even bigger Holidays that are coming and what I can do to deal with the feelings they will bring on. I realize, I will need a good solid plan and lots of support.
Not the Candy Monster,
Gabbi
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