Now that the Holidays are over, reality is settling back down around my shoulders. I feel anxious and fearful. I have lost touch with this very moment, in which all of my needs are met.
I have been trying to make conscious decisions about how I want to live in this world. Fearful is not how I want to live. Joyful is where I want to live. Be the best that I can; feel proud of my efforts.
So today, I reject my anxiety and fear. I embrace my true self who is doing the best she can. Even though there are times when I fall short, I can try, try again.
Today is New Years Eve. Normally full of hope and good (yet misguided) intentions.
In years past I have swung wildly between resolving to diet, get my finances under control, stop being messy, exercise everyday, be a perfect person....or swearing off resolutions altogether.
Instead of making all of these unattainable resolutions or burying my head in the sand:
This year, I will resolve to just do the next right thing.
The next right thing. One at a time, one after another.
Consciously resolved,
Gabbi
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
All kinds of things to share...
So, this week my 12 year old daughter is off school. On Monday, my niece was going to take her to the water park, but unfortunately had to cancel on Sunday night...here's how it went down:
Me: Sorry Grace, Ari can't go to the waterpark tomorrow.
Grace: UGH! Now I won't EVER get to go. (flops herself down on the couch)
(No, she is not dramatic, AT ALL...)
Me: Well, if you want, I could take you tomorrow since I don't work and Sam is with Ted.
(OH SHIT! DID I JUST SAY THAT?!?!)
Grace, perking right up: SURE!
Me, backpedaling: Although I am sure you would rather go with Ari or a friend, no big deal.
Grace: No! I want to go with you. It will be fun.
Me: Yea, but you know I don't like rides, I have this fear of falling...I am sure you would have more fun with someone else.
Grace, totally not buying it: No, Mom, I want to go with YOU.
Me: Ok, ok, we can go tomorrow.
I will tell you, I let Grace stay up as late as she wanted that night...then I let her sleep in, I didn't even get out of bed until 10:30, then I tiptoed around the kitchen and made coffee and brekkie as quietly as I could....to no avail. 10:45, her head pops up out of bed. Boo!
We had breakfast while I came to grips with the fact that I was going to have to go to the waterpark.
UGH.
I flopped down on the couch...now look who is being dramatic....
I have one last ditch effort to get out of it and ask her if maybe she would want to bring a friend...
I mean I have the new Time Magazine to read and a good book...
nope, she wants me to go. I know she is just trying to torture me at this point.
FINE! But wait! Is the waterpark EVEN OPEN TODAY? They are closed on some Monday and Tuesdays. Boy that would be a shame...
yea, they are open and even more expensive because all the kiddos are off school.
Ok, ok, I get my swimsuit, some towels, some clementines and two cheese sticks, we have to keep our energy up for all those STAIRS we will have to climb.
We get there, get changed (rudely using the family changing room...LOL) and we go in. First of all, let me say, my bathing suit fit like a dream and I actually felt pretty good about it. It is a mom suit, but you know what...I AM A MOM. I was kind of amazed that the swimming suit part was not an issue for me. That was a huge revelation.
We start on the Lazy River, ooh, the water is warm, the park itself feels like the tropics...I could maybe like this.
We float for awhile and Grace wants to go do some body slides....my worst fear.
I am terrified of falling. But, I know I need to do it or I will never hear the end of it. We trudge (ok I trudged, Grace bounded) up 150 bazillion stairs, and all I can think is at least I am getting a work out before I die of a fear induced heart attack.
We get in line for the body slides and I don't even look to see how high they are or what they do, because I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Ignorance is bliss as far as I am concerned. We are waiting while people sit on the slides and wait for the green GO light. I realize, I am not as scared as I thought I would be. My heart is not pounding, I am not feeling sick to my stomach...as a matter of fact I am completely calm....could I be resigned to my fate of death by water slide? Or, could it be, I am just not scared anymore?
It is our turn, the slides are side by side, Grace sits in one, I in the other. Waiting for the green light was the worst part, the anticipation of not knowing what was coming, the sign says to slide "IMMEDIATELY" on the green light, what if I get stuck? What I don't slide IMMEDIATELY? Is that sure death?
GREEN LIGHT BITCHES!
Off I go, I slid. Oh! did I slide! It was kind of...FUN! I didn't scream, I just swished around, sliding faster faster until SWOOSH lots of water in my face...oh shit I am going to drown! I am dead! This is the end of my life!
...oh, never mind, just the end of the ride.
Phew!
I stood up, pulled my firmly wedged swimsuit out of my butt cheeks, looked at Grace...laughed, and said "Let's do it again!"
It was so much fun! We did body slides and the River Raft Ride. I admit one mf my most frightening and most rewarding moments was on the Family River Raft Ride.
I refuse to go on the tube slides, because I am sorry, but sitting in that prone position and then going down a slide, with water in my face...forget it, not happening! But, the Family River Raft Ride, that I can do.
We wait in line, get to the top, and I was a little nervous...maybe even a little scared. But we hop in the raft and get a push down the slide...it is all good, just a slide, and then WHOOP! Up the side we go, me half falling out of the raft...I scream...
Me screaming: OOOOHHHHH SHIIIIIIIT!
Grace screaming: I LOVE MY MOM!
What?
You love your mom? Oh my God! I love you too! It was in that moment that I was so thankful I did something I did not want to do. As much as I had dreaded it and tried to avoid the waterpark, it was the best thing I have done in a long time.
Afterward, Grace and I sat on the lazy river in a double tube and talked, and talked and talked.
Grace: "Mom, I knew you would love it, I didn't want to go with anyone else."
Me SCREAMING: I LOVE MY DAUGHER,
Gabbi
Me: Sorry Grace, Ari can't go to the waterpark tomorrow.
Grace: UGH! Now I won't EVER get to go. (flops herself down on the couch)
(No, she is not dramatic, AT ALL...)
Me: Well, if you want, I could take you tomorrow since I don't work and Sam is with Ted.
(OH SHIT! DID I JUST SAY THAT?!?!)
Grace, perking right up: SURE!
Me, backpedaling: Although I am sure you would rather go with Ari or a friend, no big deal.
Grace: No! I want to go with you. It will be fun.
Me: Yea, but you know I don't like rides, I have this fear of falling...I am sure you would have more fun with someone else.
Grace, totally not buying it: No, Mom, I want to go with YOU.
Me: Ok, ok, we can go tomorrow.
I will tell you, I let Grace stay up as late as she wanted that night...then I let her sleep in, I didn't even get out of bed until 10:30, then I tiptoed around the kitchen and made coffee and brekkie as quietly as I could....to no avail. 10:45, her head pops up out of bed. Boo!
We had breakfast while I came to grips with the fact that I was going to have to go to the waterpark.
UGH.
I flopped down on the couch...now look who is being dramatic....
I have one last ditch effort to get out of it and ask her if maybe she would want to bring a friend...
I mean I have the new Time Magazine to read and a good book...
nope, she wants me to go. I know she is just trying to torture me at this point.
FINE! But wait! Is the waterpark EVEN OPEN TODAY? They are closed on some Monday and Tuesdays. Boy that would be a shame...
yea, they are open and even more expensive because all the kiddos are off school.
Ok, ok, I get my swimsuit, some towels, some clementines and two cheese sticks, we have to keep our energy up for all those STAIRS we will have to climb.
We get there, get changed (rudely using the family changing room...LOL) and we go in. First of all, let me say, my bathing suit fit like a dream and I actually felt pretty good about it. It is a mom suit, but you know what...I AM A MOM. I was kind of amazed that the swimming suit part was not an issue for me. That was a huge revelation.
We start on the Lazy River, ooh, the water is warm, the park itself feels like the tropics...I could maybe like this.
We float for awhile and Grace wants to go do some body slides....my worst fear.
I am terrified of falling. But, I know I need to do it or I will never hear the end of it. We trudge (ok I trudged, Grace bounded) up 150 bazillion stairs, and all I can think is at least I am getting a work out before I die of a fear induced heart attack.
We get in line for the body slides and I don't even look to see how high they are or what they do, because I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Ignorance is bliss as far as I am concerned. We are waiting while people sit on the slides and wait for the green GO light. I realize, I am not as scared as I thought I would be. My heart is not pounding, I am not feeling sick to my stomach...as a matter of fact I am completely calm....could I be resigned to my fate of death by water slide? Or, could it be, I am just not scared anymore?
It is our turn, the slides are side by side, Grace sits in one, I in the other. Waiting for the green light was the worst part, the anticipation of not knowing what was coming, the sign says to slide "IMMEDIATELY" on the green light, what if I get stuck? What I don't slide IMMEDIATELY? Is that sure death?
GREEN LIGHT BITCHES!
Off I go, I slid. Oh! did I slide! It was kind of...FUN! I didn't scream, I just swished around, sliding faster faster until SWOOSH lots of water in my face...oh shit I am going to drown! I am dead! This is the end of my life!
...oh, never mind, just the end of the ride.
Phew!
I stood up, pulled my firmly wedged swimsuit out of my butt cheeks, looked at Grace...laughed, and said "Let's do it again!"
It was so much fun! We did body slides and the River Raft Ride. I admit one mf my most frightening and most rewarding moments was on the Family River Raft Ride.
I refuse to go on the tube slides, because I am sorry, but sitting in that prone position and then going down a slide, with water in my face...forget it, not happening! But, the Family River Raft Ride, that I can do.
We wait in line, get to the top, and I was a little nervous...maybe even a little scared. But we hop in the raft and get a push down the slide...it is all good, just a slide, and then WHOOP! Up the side we go, me half falling out of the raft...I scream...
Me screaming: OOOOHHHHH SHIIIIIIIT!
Grace screaming: I LOVE MY MOM!
What?
You love your mom? Oh my God! I love you too! It was in that moment that I was so thankful I did something I did not want to do. As much as I had dreaded it and tried to avoid the waterpark, it was the best thing I have done in a long time.
Afterward, Grace and I sat on the lazy river in a double tube and talked, and talked and talked.
Grace: "Mom, I knew you would love it, I didn't want to go with anyone else."
Me SCREAMING: I LOVE MY DAUGHER,
Gabbi
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
New Attitude
For a long time now I have dreamed of going to Europe, buying a EuroPass and touring for an extended vacation with my children.
Today I have decided to stop dwelling in the world of SOMEDAY.
I set a date, started a savings account and am planning my trip to Europe.
Now, my date is a long way off: September 2014. But, I am planning 21 days of exploring, sight seeing and soaking up new cultures.
First, I asked my favorite traveling partner if she was up for the task. I received a resounding YES! from Miss Arielle.
Next, is to decide which cities do we want to visit. The first I thought of is Stockholm, Sweden.
And then, the Euro Trip Vision Board was born.
I have a savings account started and a trip to the bookstore planned to buy some guide books.
I have decided to thoughtfully plan out my trip. Rushing is not an option because I am basing my plan on the assumption, that I WILL BE BACK to do more of the things I couldn't fit in this go around.
Not that long ago, I could never have dreamt this far ahead. I could never have seen a clear plan and vision for my future. I was plodding through each day, unable to think any further ahead than the next day. My mind feels free and strong and my body is following suit.
8 months ago, I never would have imagined that I would be 49.5 pounds lighter. Much less planning a trip to Europe. Much less, a mini trip to Chicago in the spring. Losing weight has freed me of the emotional baggage that has weighed me down in so many ways for so long.
Any kind of goal I had, seemed insurmountable. So much so, that I didn't even have goals. Now I have goals galore. All kinds of mini goals, big goals, medium goals, goals of all shapes and sizes.
I live my life with purpose.
I find ways to expand my mind.
I am thankful for the area we live in, so rich with culture and art and FREE THINGS TO DO! I may want to expand my mind, but I still have a budget. I can show my children so many things and afford them experiences I had no idea existed. We truly are blessed.
My eyes are open to a fresh new world and I am so thankful!
Can't even believe what I am seeing,
Gabbi
Today I have decided to stop dwelling in the world of SOMEDAY.
I set a date, started a savings account and am planning my trip to Europe.
Now, my date is a long way off: September 2014. But, I am planning 21 days of exploring, sight seeing and soaking up new cultures.
First, I asked my favorite traveling partner if she was up for the task. I received a resounding YES! from Miss Arielle.
Next, is to decide which cities do we want to visit. The first I thought of is Stockholm, Sweden.
And then, the Euro Trip Vision Board was born.
I have a savings account started and a trip to the bookstore planned to buy some guide books.
I have decided to thoughtfully plan out my trip. Rushing is not an option because I am basing my plan on the assumption, that I WILL BE BACK to do more of the things I couldn't fit in this go around.
Not that long ago, I could never have dreamt this far ahead. I could never have seen a clear plan and vision for my future. I was plodding through each day, unable to think any further ahead than the next day. My mind feels free and strong and my body is following suit.
8 months ago, I never would have imagined that I would be 49.5 pounds lighter. Much less planning a trip to Europe. Much less, a mini trip to Chicago in the spring. Losing weight has freed me of the emotional baggage that has weighed me down in so many ways for so long.
Any kind of goal I had, seemed insurmountable. So much so, that I didn't even have goals. Now I have goals galore. All kinds of mini goals, big goals, medium goals, goals of all shapes and sizes.
I live my life with purpose.
I find ways to expand my mind.
I am thankful for the area we live in, so rich with culture and art and FREE THINGS TO DO! I may want to expand my mind, but I still have a budget. I can show my children so many things and afford them experiences I had no idea existed. We truly are blessed.
My eyes are open to a fresh new world and I am so thankful!
Can't even believe what I am seeing,
Gabbi
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
GLASS HALF FULL
In the last couple of days I have become aware of the positive influence I have been on my children. they are definitely 'glass half full' kids. They are encouraging and supportive.
Here is my proof:
#1
Sam: Mama, what happened to your wrist?
Me: Remember when I fell in the kitchen yesterday?
Sam: Yes
Me: Well, this is my owie, I got a bruise.
Sam (in his proud of his Mama voice): Mom, that was a great trick!
#2
Grace: OMG, Mom, did you know the new slippers you bought totally MATCH your gloves?!?!
Me: No, I didn't, but they do match. Funny.
Grace, puts up her hand for a high five (congratualtory voice): Way to be accidentally stylish Mom.
See? How can I not feel great after that...LOL
Have I set the bar so low?,
Gabbi
Here is my proof:
#1
Sam: Mama, what happened to your wrist?
Me: Remember when I fell in the kitchen yesterday?
Sam: Yes
Me: Well, this is my owie, I got a bruise.
Sam (in his proud of his Mama voice): Mom, that was a great trick!
#2
Grace: OMG, Mom, did you know the new slippers you bought totally MATCH your gloves?!?!
Me: No, I didn't, but they do match. Funny.
Grace, puts up her hand for a high five (congratualtory voice): Way to be accidentally stylish Mom.
See? How can I not feel great after that...LOL
Have I set the bar so low?,
Gabbi
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Writers Block
I have had the worst writers block.
UGH!
It took a good Thanksgiving to shake me out of it.
Ok, and I joined a dating website. Head hung slightly in shame, and then again, I could meet some nice men and I definitely will have some great blogging material.
It has been 36 hours and already I have:
Two potential coffee dates with seemingly kind, respectable men
An offer of a Friends with Benefits
A man who lives in Pakistan wanting to be my friend, maybe more
"Sweetlova" wanting to add to my happiness
YAY to the two coffee dates and a NO! No, and a NOOOO to the others.
The D's:
Mr. FWB doesn't even have a photo up. Not that I would be into that kind of thing, but if I were the kind of gal who was, I would at least want a photo. For real. Give me a break. Who wants to take that kind of risk. He could be Jabba the Hut.
Mr. Pakistan...well, he lives in PAKISTAN for Goodness Sake. That is a little to long distance for me, and he has a 'fro.
Mr. Sweetlova...the name did it. made me think of a creepy uncle. Not sure why, and I am sure Freud would have something to say about that, but there it is.
Writer's Block Whipped,
Gabbi
UGH!
It took a good Thanksgiving to shake me out of it.
Ok, and I joined a dating website. Head hung slightly in shame, and then again, I could meet some nice men and I definitely will have some great blogging material.
It has been 36 hours and already I have:
Two potential coffee dates with seemingly kind, respectable men
An offer of a Friends with Benefits
A man who lives in Pakistan wanting to be my friend, maybe more
"Sweetlova" wanting to add to my happiness
YAY to the two coffee dates and a NO! No, and a NOOOO to the others.
The D's:
Mr. FWB doesn't even have a photo up. Not that I would be into that kind of thing, but if I were the kind of gal who was, I would at least want a photo. For real. Give me a break. Who wants to take that kind of risk. He could be Jabba the Hut.
Mr. Pakistan...well, he lives in PAKISTAN for Goodness Sake. That is a little to long distance for me, and he has a 'fro.
Mr. Sweetlova...the name did it. made me think of a creepy uncle. Not sure why, and I am sure Freud would have something to say about that, but there it is.
Writer's Block Whipped,
Gabbi
Things I learned over Thanksgiving Break
WalMart is the single most dangerous place to be in the US on Black Friday
Four hours of sleep IS NOT ENOUGH
Four days is to long to go without seeing my kids
A 1000 piece puzzle is to much, even for the Amazing Duo of Ari and I
Not overeating on Thanksgiving is the most beautiful feeling
Handing out gloves to those who have none:
really puts into perspective my sadness over not being able to eat pumpkin pie
I was truly moved by the spirit of giving and being thankful for what I have.
Hugs,
Gabbi
Four hours of sleep IS NOT ENOUGH
Four days is to long to go without seeing my kids
A 1000 piece puzzle is to much, even for the Amazing Duo of Ari and I
Not overeating on Thanksgiving is the most beautiful feeling
BUT MOST OF ALL I LEARNED:
Seeing a little girl at the Salvation Army with bare legs on a 12 degree day;
Serving homeless people who are carrying everything they own;Handing out gloves to those who have none:
really puts into perspective my sadness over not being able to eat pumpkin pie
I was truly moved by the spirit of giving and being thankful for what I have.
Hugs,
Gabbi
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