Just the Right Place at Just the Right Time

Again, providence led me to a meeting last night, which led me to a woman, who led me to an article that absolutely spoke to me.

Pete Walker on Abandonment Depression

Wow! I have really been struggling with my issues of being afraid and being alone and basically, not being enough. My fear of lack has been triggered and it has sent me back into some old patterns. I am thankful because I am recognizing it so much faster, but it is still painful.

Here is my issue. I have one rejection from a man, and immediately, I start to swirl. My mind tries to pinpoint what exactly about me is so defective that this ONE person does not immediately love me. And then I start to surround myself with other men and try to fill up my empty cup that way. Except here is the problem, my cup has a hole in the bottom and so regardless of how much is poured in, it just comes out the bottom. I cannot be filled. I have to fix my cup first.

(As a side note: the story of the cup was told to me last week by another amazingly wise woman when I compared myself to a black hole of need. It was gently explained to me that we all have a cup. Sometimes, we encounter people whose cups are broken and at times, our own cups are broken. When that happens, we are unable to be filled up. We can only fix our own cups. So, when I feel empty and afraid, it has nothing to do with others, it has to do with my cup. When I encounter other people whose cups are broken, I can fill them all damn day and it won't make a bit of difference because they need to fix their cup first. I am so blessed to have so many wise women in my life to give me perspective when I am full of self loathing)

I hate myself for this. Logically, I know I am amazing and any man I chose to be with is the luckiest bastard on the planet. I am kind and loving, intelligent and accepting, gosh darn funny, and at times downright insightful. I can and do take care of myself and my kids and hold it all together really well. But, I still feel afraid that it is not enough.

What the F? I want to completely reject these feelings as preposterous and needy and I hate to be needy more than anything. I want to be an island unto i myself, completely self sufficient and as such, unable to be hurt.

But that is not my reality. I am needy. We all are, we all have a need to be loved and admired and cared for. And as much as that is exactly what I want, it is terrifying to be vulnerable. I have been working to alow myself to be vulnerable. But, it is painful. I have acccepted some hurts and bruises along the way, which is ok and healthy, but my recovery from them has been spotty.

I want to cry for a set amount of time and then be over it. Again, not my reality.

I spoke with a woman last night, and I was telling her what was going on with me. She had really good insight, I told her "boys are my challenge" she laughed and said "no, boys are your lesson".

She went on to explain to me, that rejection of any kind no matter how small, triggers all of my old fears of being abandoned.

Ouch.

It hurt to hear her say that, and immediately the tears started to flow and so I know it was true for me.

She said I was cruel to myself, that I do not just allow myself to be the real true person I am, who has this "abandoned" reaction to rejection. She told me I needed to accept it. Accept my reactions just as I would accept that my eyes are blue and I am 5'3". Those are immutable features, just as my fears are just a part of who I am. BUT, I have no need to allow them to take over my life. I can acknowledge them, accept them and move on.

My current attitude has been to wholeheartedly reject any feeling that does not seem rational.

Ummm, since when did FEELINGS become rational?

Since NEVER.

I have been trying to use my rational, logical mind to reject my feelings because they are dumb, and in turn I categorize myself as dumb and unworthy.

The article I linked to above was so insightful on this phenomena that I experience. I feel so relieved that this is common. I am not crazy (ok, I am crazy, but the good kind). I now have tools to work through this and I feel hopeful and like my cup now has a bottom on it, the glue is still a little wet. The cracks give me character and I need to be gentle and loving to myself. But I am getting there.

Getting stronger,

Gabbi