Lately, I have been working towards keeping that negative voice in my head a little quieter. I read a little thing about Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance of myself. I am not even sure what that is, but it sounds good.
Food has been a struggle again. Friday night Grace and I had pizza for dinner, and the whole weekend I kept wandering back to the fridge to eat a little more. I couldn't stop thinking about it, the pizza was haunting my thoughts.
The whole while the pizza was talking to me, the nasty little troll inside my head was also yammering away. Telling me how fat I am, and if I had any self respect at all I would throw that pizza in the trash. I weighed myself, and I had lost 3 pounds. Which should be a good thing, but the troll kept telling that since I hadnt been running that I lost 3 pounds of muscle and look how flabby I am now.
Finally, I sent the rest of the leftovers with my nephew just to get it to stop talking to me. The pizza can talk to him for while
Why is food and exercise such a struggle? Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with myself and my progress. I should be proud that I have lost 73 pounds over the last 3 years. And yet, all I can think of is how many more I have to go and how I am not being very disciplined and do not exercise regularly. It is such a vicious battle. I do not want food to be my foe. I want food to be nourishment, but it takes on all types of other roles for me. Pizza especially has this weird effect on me. If it is in my fridge, it is all I can think about. Every time I open the fridge, I grab a piece. I know, I know, don't have it in the fridge. I am not even sure how it gets there...ok, fine, I put it there. Whatever. Don't judge. Again, see, when I say "don't judge" I should be saying that to MYSELF. Ugh.
I have been off my food program. Today I have armed myself with the tools I need to follow my food plan for today. I have to stop thinking about more than just this next meal. The thought of having to eat appropriate portions for the rest of my life is terrifying. So, just this next meal I will eat appropriately. And tonight I will go to an OA meeting. I don't have to participate or anything, just be there.
I look at my messy bedroom and the troll starts in, what a slob, seriously, who has a twin size mattress, half in and half out of the closet? Can't you just hang up your clothes instead of draping them on a laundry basket? Why do you let Sam drag his toys in here? The craft closet is a mess. You know, 2 good hours and this place would look awesome, but no, you sit here watching endless hours of Storage Wars instead.
As an aside, I freaking love Storage Wars. I have no idea why, but I could watch it for hours on end and sometimes, I do.
I need to accept the fact that sometimes, I am lazy. And that's ok. Isn't it? I sure hope it is.
And yet, at the same time, I am enjoying who I am, purging unnecessary things from my home, paying my bills, taking care of my kids and truly enjoying my time with them. Stating my needs and wants in relationships clearly, not expecting anyone to read my mind, and am peaceful and accepting of whatever comes after that. I have rejected bad behavior in a manner that was graceful and kind and non-judging (at least outwardly, which is all that counts, as far as I am concerned).
I have been educating myself on things I find interesting (Eleanor Rossevelt). Spending my time in ways that are fulfilling. Saying no to things that I don't want to do and yes to ones I do, with no judgment of myself either way.
Allowing myself to be who I am, mean troll thoughts and all. Radical Self Acceptamce. It is a tall order, but one I feel compelled to attempt.
One thing, is I have given up the early morning, laying in bed thinking "Ok, today is the day that I get skinny, apply my makeup like a pro, dress stylishly, scrub my house, speak only kind and loving words, think only kind and loving thoughts, don't judge, be the perfect mom, be the best employee ever, work out, be supportive and kind to all of my friends and still get to bed on time and wake up refreshed and perfect."
Somehow, that never works out for me.
Today, I am accepting of "My hair is up in a clip, my clothes mostly match, my kids got on the bus with their lunches, and I so far, have eaten on program today, and I have shared my insanity with others and maybe they feel the same way and can find comfort in the fact that, they are not alone with their own troll in their head".