1. I was preparing for my trip to Arizona to see my niece and attend the FIRST EVER Body Love Conference!! OMG that is my next blog post, but I need some time to digest!
2. I had to come to terms with my fear of embarrassment and showing my belly in this blog post. Holy fear of judgment.
But, stop worrying, I am over it and you are about to see my belly...and laugh your arse off. Fair warning.
SOOOO, since my prior post (AKA the It Wrap post) I have been thinking about the whole body wrap thing. Body Wrap thing is when you wrap your body in plastic wrap to rid your body of toxins and lose some inches.
Really here is what happened: I put on a pair of my jeans, and THIS happened:
Holy Muffin Top Batman!
Ok, and not just any old Muffin Top, but the kind where your jeans are so tight you stop being able to feel your legs and your organs start to shut down.
Yep, I wore that shit anyways.
But after enduring a painful evening, I thought "Hmmm, maybe a Wrap will do the trick." I am all about the quick fix. Seriously, I start a diet and honestly expect to wake up skinny the next day. It should happen. It doesn't, but it SHOULD.
So, I decided ok, I heard at a party and was barely listening to some details about home wraps. Something about coffee grounds, plastic wrap and self humiliation. We all know, if self humiliation is involved, I am ALL IN BITCHES!
My plan was to get some coffee grounds, smear them all over my belly and wrap myself in plastic wrap and then...wait. I had no idea how long or if that was the right way, but I didn't want to google it and have the history be on my computer.
Since I only have a Keurig and in no way are the small amount of grounds from that thing going to cover my glorious belly, I decided to get some coffee grounds from the work coffee station.
I put a post it note on the coffee machine that stated the following:
Please save the coffee grounds.
My mom wants to use them for her plants.
Yea, I lied my ass off. I even felt a little shameful for lying, especially when I realized if I write this blog, people from work are going to read this and know I am a LIAR PANTS! Hence, a small portion of my apprehension of writing this post realizing people will realize the ridiculousness of my brain.
But, I digress.
The people at work were more than happy to help my mom and her plants that I ended up with two filters FULL of detoxifying coffee grounds. I brought my little baggie of ill-gotten grounds home and stared at them as they sat on the counter. Realized I had no plastic wrap. DAMNIT! I went to the store and grabbed the plastic wrap and just to cover myself to make sure no one thought I might be wrapping myself in plastic wrap later in the evening, I bought other random items and made sure to let the cashier know that I had "JUST made a hotdish and had no plastic wrap to cover the leftovers. YEESH, don't you HATE when that happens??" I grabbed my bag and furtively ran to my car like a fugitive with contraband. I safely made it to my car without anyone yelling "HEY! I KNOW THAT PLASTIC WRAP IS FOR YOUR BELLY, YOU FREAK!"
I got home and gathered my supplies locked myself in the bathroom upstairs
Coffee grounds, CHECK!
Plastic Wrap, CHECK!
Beer for courage, CHECK!
Step 1: Lay towel on the floor
Step 2: Get nakey
Step 3: Double check no one can get in the bathroom
Step 4: Swig some beer
Step 5: Smear Coffee Grounds all over your belly (or whichever body part you choose)
Step 6: Wrap yourself in plastic wrap
Note: Wrapping yourself in plastic wrap is not as easy as it sounds. On my first attempt, I tore a sheet off and tried to wrap it around me, but I quickly discovered plastic wrap sticks to itself. STICKS TO ITSELF! If you have a big long sheet of it, it sticks and crumples and your large sheet turns into a small balled up strip of plastic wrap. Even though I bought the 200 foot roll, it would not be enough if I kept on in this fashion. So, I pulled the roll out of the box, and wrapped it directly around my belly.
Now, even this is not as easy as it sounds.
Triple check no one can get in the bathroom, and then shimmy away, rolling it around your body. (Then picture Kathy Bates a la Fried Green Tomatoes, giggle to yourself and drink some more beer courage.)
Step 7: Survey the damage
Note: DO NOT wrap up the towel until AFTER you have taken the wrap off OR you will end up with two dirty towels...OR you can take the wrap off in the shower like I did. Which creates a whole other mess.
And here is what it looks like when you are all wrapped up and ready to go.
FYI, those are not my boobs. Elbows, you sickos ELBOWS!
I was really unclear as to how long I was supposed to keep the wrap on. I was thinking 20 minutes, but since I am an over-achiever, I slept in that bitch.
I attempted to measure my waist before I went to bed, but since my tailor's tape was somewhere downstairs, I used my bathrobe tie. (Shut up, I was being innovative.)
In the morning, I hopped in the shower and took off the wrap. My tummy FELT smaller. When I got out of the shower I re-measured with my bathrobe tie...... and it was the same.
BUT, I put my jeans on and it looked more like this:
So, I call it a success!
Victory is mine,