In Spite of My Crazy Self

Sometimes I Scare Myself

2012-01-20T14:14:00.003-06:00

In August, I have committed to completing a Sprint Triathalon.

I AM SCARED!

But determined.

Nothing makes me more determined than being afraid of something.

So, I will bike 20 kilometers, swim half a mile, and run a 5K.

I have been running since October, and I have just recently started my swim training. Tomorrow, my good friend Bethany and I are going to do a trial run of our bike/run/swim.

I AM SCARED!

But excited.

And nothing makes me more excited than attempting what I am afraid of.

Makes me think of this poem by Maya Angelou:

LIFE DOESN’T FRIGHTEN ME
By: Maya Angelou

Shadows on the wall
Noises down the hall
Life doesn’t frighten me at all

Bad dogs barking loud
Big ghosts in a cloud
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Mean old Mother Goose
Lions on the loose
They don’t frighten me at all

Dragons breathing flame
On my counterpane
That doesn’t frighten me at all.

I go boo
Make them shoo
I make fun
Way they run
I won’t cry
So they fly
I just smile
They go wild
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Tough guys in a fight
All alone at night
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Panthers in the park
Strangers in the dark
No, they don’t frighten me at all.

That new classroom where
Boys pull all my hair
(Kissy little girlsWith their hair in curls)
They don’t frighten me at all.

Don’t show me frogs and snakes
And listen for my scream,
If I’m afraid at all
It’s only in my dreams.

I’ve got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve,
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe.

Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Not at all
Not at all
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Brave Girl,

Gabbi

What's in YOUR desk?

2012-01-10T15:06:00.003-06:00

I have this little Emergency Preparedness kit in my desk. A small stash of all things MUST HAVE in an emergency.

Here is the list in clockwise.

1. A small bottle of hair spray for when my hair becomes unruly...

2. Baby wipes, for those days when my makeup goes hideously awry and I MUST. REMOVE. NOW.

3. Generic Acetaminophen (and yes, I had to pull the bottle out to be sure I spelled (spelt) it correctly)

4. SMASHBOX lip gloss, totally worth the $20

5. Ulta eye shadow

6. ELF face powder, worth more than the $1 it cost at Target

7. a hair clippy, again for the unruly hair

8. Birthday candles, you know, for those birthday emergencies.

9. Ponytails!

10. Great Lash! My freaking favorite make up product EVER

11. ELF face color, for use as a blush or lipstick, I love versatility, and again a DOLLAR!!!

12. Nail clipper, I hate hang nails

13. Nail file, I hate jagged nails worse than hang nails

14. Extra lipstick

As you can see, all of my emergencies involve hair, make up, nails and celebration. If the apocalypse comes, I will at least have make up on and will sing you Happy Birthday with candles and all.

What's in your desk?

Ever prepared,

Gabbi

Brave enough?

2012-01-06T11:41:00.003-06:00

I really want to be brave enough to take this picture of myself.

This year has been the year that I come to terms with my perfectly imperfect body.

Some have loved it, others have hated it.

But I promise myself to love my body no matter what.

To love my body as I want my children to love their own bodies.

To be kind to myself in every way.

Am I brave enough to take a picture and then label the amazing things my body has done?

I hope I am,

Gabbi

2011....Post Mortem

2012-01-06T11:35:00.002-06:00

Things I have discovered in 2011:

I LOVE make up.

I am totally tasteless.

I prefer my own homemade laundry soap.

I am not a church goer.

Relationships scare the crap out of me.

Pinterest. Need I say more?

I will try just about anything.

I get exactly what I need at just the right time...ALWAYS.

I am a warrior when it comes to grieving.

I am brave and smart and funny.

I have abandonment issues, but they are manageable.

Nail polish and lip gloss are two things I will NEVER be able to live without.

My children bring me more joy than anything else.

A song made up on the spot, is the best.

Sung in opera style, everything sounds important.

Thank goodness I survived,

Gabbi

Not Struggling with Grief

2011-12-28T13:17:00.000-06:00

So that we all do not think my life is perfect and wonderful…my new beau has decided that I do not fit his body standard and has decided to move on.

Whoa! Talk about putting every one of my fears of inadequacies right out there and making them so very real. My chest burns and I am crying a lot. There is nothing to do for it except give it time and space and to take my own damn advice and put it to work. Focusing on the questions

In this moment are all of my needs met?
Through my sadness and pain, can I still be kind?
Can I recognize that my feelings of self loathing and unworthiness are not FACTS?
Can I know deep inside that feelings do not define me?
Can I accept that they hurt and that they will pass?
Is it possible to accept pain and not struggle with it?

The answer to all of those questions is YES.

All of my needs are met. I can be kind. I am having feelings that are painful, but they are not who I am. These feelings will pass. And most important, I have no desire to struggle with my pain making it worse. I think this is the key. I used to struggle with pain and fight it and do anything to not feel it. Now, I accept the pain and realize it is a part of the process, not a particularly enjoyable part, but an important part nonetheless. Struggling with it only makes it worse, prolongs it and doesn’t allow me to grow.

Buddha says “Life is suffering”. This is true, but it is not all that life is. Through my suffering I am living life to its fullest, in a heartbreaking way, but living is heartbreaking. I know that the suffering is what makes the wonderful parts of life wonderful. Suffering makes sitting with my son while he sings little made up songs that bring a smile to my face even in my despair, a beautiful moment that I appreciate fully. I know that little Sampson is bringing me joy and the knowledge that I can still smile and feel joy and I will be ok.

I choose to reject the negative feelings about my body. Michael’s truth does not have to be my truth. I can love who I am, knowing that I cared for him honestly and fully, accepted him exactly where he was at in his life. I know that when I prayed for him last night to “Be safe, strong, content and live his life with ease” that I was heartfelt in my prayer and blessing of him.

I refuse to analyze his motives or the meaning behind any of this. It does not change what is. It does not change who I am at my core. I will still live a life of lovingkindness, I will still be brave in my endeavors, I will still be funny and smart and my energy will still sparkle. I will still meditate and imagine myself as a shining ball of energy radiating love and goodness to the world. I will still work to affect positive change in my world.

I may run a little more. To keep the endorphins going and maybe a small tiny bit so that my body becomes what Michael wanted, and I will hopefully, not love him anymore.

Still the same girl,

Gabbi

Expectations VS. Reality: Christmas Edition

2011-12-27T11:52:00.002-06:00

Sampson spent Christmas Eve with his dad, I went to pick him up in the evening with the following expectations:

Upon arriving home, Sampson would take a nice bath, hop out of the tub, he and Grace would open their Christmas Eve gift (which is always pajamas), we would snuggle up read Twas the Night Before Christmas, as we always do, and then cuddle, eat popcorn and watch Christmas movies. Once the kids fell asleep, I would sneak away, wrap the last few gifts and neatly stack the gifts under the tree, I could then crawl in bed and slumber sweetly until my children awoke with cheers of joy that Christmas was here!

Ahhh. The joy and peace of it all.

Reality:

I picked Sam up from his dads (a nice 2.5 hour journey roundtrip), he fell asleep on the car ride home, woke up an evil little bugger. Screamed that he hated Grace and I and ever since he was born he never wanted to live with us, he only wanted to live with his dad. to which I replied "Hey Smartie, your dad lived with US when you were born." Sam's confused look look let me know he had zero recollection of that, and then he screamed "I HATE YOU ANYWAYS."

There was no bath, just screaming and tantrum throwing while Grace and I scarfed down dinner. Grace said "Why does he have to be like that everytime he gets back from his dads?" Which then began the whole conversation of how going from one parents home to the other is hard, Sam is conflicted about wanting to be with BOTH of his parents, and generally just adding to the misery of the evening layered on top of the backdrop of Sam screaming in the living room.

I forced monster child into bed, where he prompltly cuddled in my lap, and said he loved me more than the number of fingers on his hands, and fell asleep in all of his dirty clothes glory....right after I fell asleep.

SHIT!

I woke up to Sam asking me if Santa came, to which I had no answer because I fell asleep before him and knew I hadn't put any gifts under the tree.

SHIT!

Thank god for Miss Grace who I heard shuffling about downstairs and had placed all the gifts under the tree seconds before Sam came downstairs. I LOVE THAT GIRL!

I quickly wrapped the remainder of Grace's gifts...ok, all of Graces gifts, plunked them under the tree and we got to opening!

The kids were joyful and happy and loved their gifts.

I remind myself regularly, that expectations can ruin the true beauty of the moment as it unfolds. If I hold to tightly to my expectations, I miss the wonder of the moment. I rob myself of the true experience of life.

That evening we had the entire family over played games, ate lasagna and talked and laughed. My small house was busting at the seams in a very, very good way.

The energy from my amazing family is strong, lively and perfect. We are so blessed to have so many young adults, babies and wise elders.

It was a rocky start; didn't exactly fit my expectation, but was perfect just as it was.

Fitting myself to the moment,

Gabbi

Cure for Ear Infection?

2011-12-20T11:06:00.002-06:00

So, I have an ear infection. This is upsetting to me because I AM A GROWN UP. I firmly believe grown ups should be immune from ear infections. I totally blame Monster Jam and wearing those pesky ear plugs. The "Auditory Protection" clearly failed me.

I had read once, don't ask me where because I maybe just made it up and then thought I read it somewhere, that most ear infections will clear up all on their own without antibiotics.

If you can stand the pain.

Sounds like a challenge to me. And since we all know, me and a challenge...mmm hmmm!

Then my mama called and I whined about how much my ear hurt.

And since we all also know that will try just about anything, it should not surprise you that when my mother suggested microwaving an entire onion and sticking it on my ear, I jumped right on the onion wagon.

Here's the skinny: you take an onion, peel it, put it in the microwave for 3 minutes, stick the onion in a coffee cup, put the cup to your owie ear and it is supposed to draw the infection out.

Please note:

I AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

I HAVE ZERO SCIENCE BEHIND THIS THEORY.

ALL I GOT IS THAT MY COUSIN TOLD MY AUNT, WHO TOLD MY MOM THAT SHE GOOGLED IT AND IT WORKS AND THEN MY MOM TOLD ME.

That is like the word of God as far as I am concerned.

But DO NOT DO IT YOURSELF BASED ON MY BLOG POST. Do your own research people, have your mom call your aunt who talked to your cousin who googled it.

This experiement required a trip to the grocery store because as if I have an actual onion in my house, and for some reason my mom said Onion POWDER would not work...LAME.

So, I went to the store, choose a pleasantly plump, but not to plump, onion so as it would still fit in a coffee cup. Got home, ear throbbing, I quickly cut the skin off the onion, popped it right in the microwave.

Three minutes later, I grabbed a steaming and hissing onion out of the microwave, plunked it as fast as I could into the coffee cup because it was like a burning hot lava ball and put the coffee cup to my ear. Close, but not to close, because I sure didn't want the lava ball to touch my ear!

Right away I could feel the steam from the onion working its way into my inflamed and throbbing ear canal. It actually felt kind of good. As the cup cooled off a little I could put it closer to my ear. The warm steam was soothing and I could hear some fluid moving in my ear...I have no idea if this was the steam or nasty infection goo, but either way, it felt like progress.

Now, I should mention that my entire house reeked of onion. Not good French Onion Soup onion, just onion, boiled onion. The kind of smell that gets into your clothes and your skin and won't wash off for anything.

Yep. That is a drawback. BUT, the fact that my ear drum stopped throbbing for the 20 minutes I held the onion to my ear, well, I can handle the stank for that kind of relief.

It really did help, I was thinking, "my mom is the smartest woman in the world". So, imagine my dismay, when my mom called to ask me how it worked and sounded completely shocked that it helped and said:

Mom: "OOOH I gotta call your aunt and tell her it actually worked!"

Me: "wait. What?"

dial tone

Hmmm, well anyways, it did provide some relief from the pain and I actually got decent sleep.

Today, it doesn't seem to matter how long I was in the shower or how many times I wash my hands, I reek like onion. Not good French Onion Soup Onion, just onion, boiled onion.

My ear is throbbing again, I wish I had bought more than one onion.

I can't stand the pain long enough for the infection to clear itself up. I am a wussy.

Doctor's Office at 8:40 am tomorrow,

Gabbi

Angels in Disguise

2011-12-13T12:39:00.003-06:00

Growing up, I was a Jehovah's Witness. As such, I didn't celebrate Christmas or any other holiday for that matter, including my birthday until I was 13. Holidays had been so villified in my mind from the time I was born that I still remember the fear I had when my big sister Shelly and her husband Wally, brought me my first birthday cake and first birthday gift. They gave me a gold bracelet, and I still remember the excitement laced with guilt I felt while eating that white cake with the sugary frosting. Even with the fear, it is a great memory for me and I love my sister for that guilty pleasure.

As I said, holidays, especially Christmas were demonized in my mind. I remember being in Kindergarten and my mom giving me strict instructions to NOT tell the other kids at school that their parents were LIARS and that Santa Claus was fake, and that Christmas ISN'T EVEN Jesus' birthday, you bunch of morons, and that Jehovah God is in Heaven right now, shaking his head in disappointment over the greed and selfishness that is done in HIS SON'S NAME!

Oh yea, I was all ready to tell them little 5 year olds all about their "GREAT HOLIDAY" and that don't you know Christmas time has the highest suicide rate more than any other time of year???

Yep, in kindergarten I knew all of that and absolutely would have stood on the craft table and announced it to the whole class, if my mom hadn't threatened me with a major spanking if I did it. Seriously, I did not want to be bloodguilty (bloodguilty: a term used by Jehovah's Witnesses to describe your guilt for not spreading the true word of God) for all of those darn kids in my class for not telling them the "truth" when I had the chance. And yes, in kindergarten I was well acquaninted with the term bloodguilty.

So, the first few years of celebrating Christmas were hard and scary. I had to overcome years of conditioning before I could finally relax and be okay with celebrating the holiday. It still is not my favorite holiday, I am more of a Halloween gal. But, now that I have children and we have our traditions, such as decorating the tree and each of us getting a new ornament every year, opening one gift on Christmas Eve which is always pajamas and then reading Twas the Night Before Christmas, I really do enjoy it.

The other thing I am thankful for, is that because I was raised with such a negative connotation around Christmas, I really do my best to see all the good and wonder that comes out of Christmas time. This season really can open people's hearts and allows them to display their generosity and kindness and much of the time no one even knows about it. I think it is important to share those stories and so here are two stories I witnessed myself:

Monster Truck Madness:

This past weekend we had a family outing to MONSTER JAM a monster truck show. Sampson had been talking about it for weeks and I was so excited to take them. Sitting in the row ahead of us was a man with his two little boys, one was probably 5 and the other 2 years old. The dad was so excited to be there and I heard him tell the guy sitting next to hm more than once that he thought he was more excited than his boys were to be there. It was fun for me just to see how happy he was.

Through the course of the show they had gotten food and drinks and his boys were so well behaved, which I admired after my own son had a major meltdown in the hallway. Darn the NO NAP afternoon! Towards the end of the show a vendor comes up the aisle with bags of cotton candy and foam hats shaped like monster trucks. So the 5 year old asks his dad for it, and the dad waves the vendor over and says "how much is it?" the vendor says "$15 bucks". At that point I almost screamed RAPE, but I held my tongue. So the boy goes to the end of the aisle and stands by the vendor, dad starts counting his money, he only has $14 in cash....

Dad walks over to the vendor says "Man, I only got $14." The vendor says "Can't do it, buddy." and walks away. The son looks at his dad and the dad says "Hey Buddy, I was a dollar short, but I promise when we leave we will get you something else cool." The son takes it in stride and says "Ok", he looked a little disappointed, but handled it amazingly well. I was so impressed, and then was mad at myself for not bringing cash, and then mad at myself for not getting a dollar from someone else we were with...and while these thoughts are going through my mind, this big kinda scary looking guy comes leaning over me, and hands a bag of cotton candy with the hat to the dad, and says "This is for your boy." The dad says,"Oh no, that's ok." And the guy says "Take it, it's for your boy, he should have it."

I almost burst into tears right there. This guy was a big old biker man with the crabbiest look on his face, and yet he had a damn heart of gold, he was an angel in disguise that night at Monster Jam. It was so touching and I had to share it.

So to you Monster Truck Angel: Thank you for helping me to appreciate the Christmas Spirit and the beauty of kindness even more!

American Girl:

This story came from my sister last night while we sat at my mom's kitchen table. My sister works with a guy who is a tough ex-cop, gruff and rough around the edges and is having some tough times, just like a lot of people. Well, he has a 5 year old daughter who wants an American girl doll for Christmas. He and his wife were so proud to go to the mall and buy her that doll. He happens to overhear his daughter talking to her best friend (who is the daughter of his wifes friend), and she says "I asked Santa for an American Girl Doll" her bestie says "I asked for an American Girl doll last year, but Santa couldn't bring me one. So, if Santa doesn't bring you one, don't be to sad."

Well, that did not sit right with gruff ex-cop dad. He talks to his wife and says they have to buy this girl an American Girl doll for Christmas. The wife tells him, there is no way they can afford ANOTHER American Girl doll, they are struggling as it is and it is just to much. Dad says, "Maybe I can get my boss to buy the doll." So, he approaches his boss, who tells him as kindly as she can, that she has already donated a bunch and so she just can't do it.

But, since he has been helping her with some other stuff, she had already written him a check for $200, and she gives him the check.

Dad takes the unexpected check, spends $100 of it on that American Girl Doll, tells his wife he had gotten an extra hundred and that his boss had bought the doll. He didn't want his wife to know what he had done.

The wife manages to find out anyway and says you could have told me. But, gruff ex-cop dad doesn't want the glory.

Well, Angel-in-disguise as a gruff ex-cop dad, you are getting it anyways because that is beautiful.

Seeing kindness all around me,

Gabbi

Honey Badger Don't Care, and other inappropriate things...

2011-12-09T12:06:00.004-06:00

Random snippets of conversation from around my house:

The Honey Badger:

Grace, while watching the trailer for the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie: "OH MY GAWD! They just said "Honeybadger don't care, on ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY SWEAR WORDS ARE IN THAT CLIP??? Oh my Gawd, CHILDREN could watch that!! That is SOO irresponsible. I am disgusted by them."

Let's not consider the fact, that my daughter is a child of 13 herself, the fact that she knows the HoneyBadger clip by heart, and the fact that we say "HoneyBadger don't care" ALL THE TIME around her 4 year old brother, and she takes no issue with that. And that I am pretending she has never secretly shown her 4 year old brother the clip.

For those of you not in the know, It is HONEYBADGER TIME!

(side note: I recommend watching it at least twice to really get the humor)

Evening with My Mother:

I have a minor addiction to nail polish, I love to paint my nails, paint other people's nails, buy new nail polishes and I have some pretty Not Your Mama's colors in my collection. Unless, I am your Mama, in which case...they are your Mama's colors and get out of my nail bin.

So, I bought two beautiful new shades:

Ingrid Below Deck

See? Aren't they lovely?? Ingrid is a kind of Mocha color with a little bit of glitter and Below Deck is just bad ass, I LOVE THEM. Ingrid and Below Deck are my new friends.

I show my mom, and I say

Me: "Hey, want me to paint your nails?"

My mom, while holding her glasses up to her eyes squinting at Ingrid: "Is this BROWN?"

Me: "Ummm, no...(trying not to be appalled) it's MOCHA with a little bit of sparkle."

My mom: "Does it look like poop? I can't tell, my eyes aren't that good."

Me: "WHAT?!?! UGH, well clearly I purchased this lovely shade of MOCHA for its uncanny resemblance to poop." Note the THICK layer of sarcasm.

My mom: "Fine, paint my nails then everyone will think I have poop on my fingernails."

ME, totally disgusted: "Shut up, you can choose the other color you know."

My Mom: "Nope, poop nail it is." While she wiggles her fingers at me tauntingly.

I shouldn't have even painted that witches nails, but I did because I can't stand naked nails. She knows my weakness.

Nail Goddess,

Gabbi

Not Quite a Fail, but not exactly a Win

2011-12-02T10:08:00.005-06:00

Again, back to my Adventures in Pinterest. I tried a new hair style from Pinterest. Now, let me start off by saying, I am no Magical Hair Maestra. Only recently did I learn how to make the bouffant bump, and mine goes flat kind of quickly. This is because I still tippy toe a little bit around my hair spray canister. I am learning more hairspray is always the right answer. There should be no shyness with the hair spray can.

I watched a seemingly ridiculously simple tutorial here:

http://www.thesmallthingsblog.com/2011/09/elegant-half-up.html

For this elegant, but SIMPLE up-do:

I mustered up my lack of skill and plenty of enthusiasm, and attacked my hair with bobby pins.

Ummm, this is what I got:

I laugh everytime I see the picture.

Clearly, I need some practice. On the hopeful side, I think I can do it. I just need to put the man hours in and invest in one of those mirros that attaches to the wall and has a stretchy arm so I can actually see the back of my head.

Which will then require some practice at manuevering backwards, because if you are anything like me, you have no idea which way you are going when you look at yourself in a mirror backwards. I want my hair to go back, I move my arm forward...hmmm. Back to the whole lack of hand eye coordination.

Sometimes it is a good thing that most of the people at work find me a little odd and quirky. I can pull off this hair "style".

What the hell, at least I tried.

The Little Engine That Could,

Gabbi

Adventures in Pinterest

2011-12-01T09:27:00.002-06:00

I have a new addiction:

www.pinterest.com

Oh Man! Pinterest is a glorious life sucker-upper. I am so thankful my man is a gamer, because it allows me all the time in the world to PIN PIN PIN!

I have zero idea of how to describe Pinterest, except as : SUPERAWESOMEFUN! So I turned to my good friends at Wikipedia for some help. Here is what they say:

Pinterest (Pin-tũr-ĕst) is a vision board-styled social photo sharing website and app where users can create and manage theme-based image collections. The mission statement of Pinterest is to connect everyone in the world through shared tastes and the “things” they find interesting.

So, I am a pinning freakazoid. It is a problem, only tempered slightly by the fact that I actually USE some of these things.

And here is where it gets interesting. I USE some of these things! Below is the first (of I am sure many) amusing and slightly dismaying stories about my "Adventures in Pinterest".

First Project: Homemade Biore Face Peel (aka Rip Your Face Off)

I want to give credit where credit is due. This tutorial was done at: www.petitelefant.com

This woman is my new freaking IDOL! Honestly, totally real and do-able crap on her site. I mean, she features Lee jeans, and they look fab. LOVE HER. GO THERE: GET YOUR MIND BLOWN!

Back to Rip Your Face Off. So I find this link on Pinterest: http://petitelefant.com/how-to-pore-strips/

Immediately I am intrigued on many levels, first pore strips are darn expensive and I am cheap. But the true reason I am snagged immediately is: THE GROSS FACTOR! Holy crap do I LOVE LOVE LOVE ripping those pore strips off and being all "OMG that is SO DISGUSTING!.....LOOK!!" People around me may not appreciate the show and tell that I offer, but then I say, get out of my house.

Also, two ingredients. Two. Ingredients. Even my lazy self can handle two ingredients.

The ingredients are:

Knox Gelatine and milk.

That's it. You basicaly dump a packet of gelatin into a small microwave safe container, pour in 1.5 to 2 Tbspns of milk, mix it up, microwave it for 15 seconds, slap it on your face. That's it. The tutorial said you have to put it on super fast before it hardens...I didn't find that mine hardened up all that fast.

I was skeptical as to how this was going to work, but after having it on my face for just a few minutes, I felt it starting to harden and I knew...this was the BOMB!

I could feel my pores giving up the goods and shrinking in fear of this crazy compound I had slathered all over my face.

My girlfriend Leigh confirmed my suspicions that this shit was magic by saying "That would make a great Halloween mask." Which left me wondering...why do I do this shit in front of other people?

ok, so the description of the results on the tutorial go like this

"Clean, practically hairless, with clean, dirt-free pores."

HELLS YEA! Sounds great, right? Well, let me BEAUTYSPEAK this for you:

You are about to RIP YOUR DAMN FACE OFF!

My sense of security and allisrightwiththeworld shattered at about the same time as my face shattered. The unholy compound had completely dried and I foolishly tried to laugh at something.

AUUUGGHHHHHHH

MY FACE, MY FACE! HOLY SHIT MY FACE! I felt like my skin itself was cracking.

Oh crap, what have I done?

And then, I started to peel.

my face off.

Now, in hindsight, the words "practically hairless" should have been a good tip that this is not to be used on the upper lip. Or around your eyebrows....sigh.

let's let that sink in for a minute....

I am just not that smart apparently. BUT, I was smart enough to STOP PEELING my skin off when I got around the eyebrow area. I washed that off, if I had not, I would be sporting the Whoopi Goldberg look and I would be using every last minute of my vacation time unwilling to show myself at work.

The tutorial shows the woman with a SMILE on HER FACE whilst peeling. Apparently she has no nerve endings in her face. Now, I am not calling her a liar, she just must be a lot tougher than I am. I am willing to accept that.

As I was peeling Leigh's eyes were getting bigger and bigger and she started to sound a little panicked as she was saying "Your skin. It is red. You are turning BRIGHT RED. Wash it off. WASH IT OFF. RIGHT NOW!"

But I am no quitter.

My mom was a beautician, and she taught me early on "BEAUTY IS PAIN" generally followed by a thump to the head with a hair brush if I squirmed or cried to much during my hairbrushing.

I continued to peel...and whimper.

BEAUTY IS PAIN, BEAUTY IS PAIN, BEAUTY IS PAIN

I managed to get most of it off, washed off the rest that was to thin to peel, on my eyebrows or just to damn painful.

FINAL ANALYSIS:

That shit WORKS!

My face is soft and smooth (and no longer pink after a good nights rest.)

I would do it again. But not for a while. I need time to recover.

Smooth and sassy survivor,

Gabbi

Cure for "The Worries"

2011-11-22T09:42:00.002-06:00

On occasion, I wake up around 3:00 or 3:30 am with a bad case of "The Worries". My mind starts spinning with all of the things that are going on in my life that stress me out, make me feel ashamed or guilty, and I hash them and rehash them until my mind feels like it is going to explode.

I hate "The Worries'.

I know they are unproductive. I know that at 3:00 am, there is not a darn thing I can do about them. I know that my fears are not real. I know that I am ok, but at 3:00 am, I DO NOT FEEL OK. I feel very much NOT OK.

Monday morning, I had "The Worries". I suffered through them, cried a little, fretted a lot and finally fell back asleep at 5:00 am. Monday I felt like crying all day, total emotional hangover.

Then I had a realization, I am coming down with a little cold. My throat is a little scratchy and dry, I am congested and I have a little cough. Whenever my body is fighting an illness, I become overly emotional. I am an extremely FEELING person. So, when I am physically sick, I become emotional, when I am emotionally sick, I become physically sick. This is just how I was made and it is one of my challenges that I have come to know and accept about myself.

Given this "new" piece of information, I made a plan. If I woke up with The Worries on Tuesday, I would take some of my own advice, that says the best way to overcome a negative mind is to turn it into a blessing mind. (Yes, I totally stole this from Sylvia Boorstein, I am telling you, I love this woman).

So, Tuesday morning 3:30 am, my eyes pop open. The Worries begin. I got up, sat on the edge of my bed and began my blessing.

"Tonight, may I feel safe. May I feel strong. May I feel content. May I live my life with ease."

Then I thought of my mom, and I blessed her in the same way. I thought of my children and blessed them. I thought of my sisters, my nieces and nephews, my friends, my love, and several people who challenge me. And I blessed them all.

While I was blessing, I was amazed by how many people I know and care about and my blessing list became longer. I was blessing one person and more and more names kept coming to mind. I became so thankful for this amazing life that I have. That there are so many people that I want to be blessed, that I want to know I care for them and I know, they too, care for me.

My eyes became heavy and my heart became lighter. I laid my head down on the pillow and I remember nothing else.

May you feel safe, may you feel strong, may you feel content and may you live your life with ease.

Blessings,

Gabbi

Abundant World

2011-11-18T09:03:00.002-06:00

This morning as I was driving in to work, I was thinking about a line from Sylvia Boorstein (one of my favorite thinkers) and she said the fastest way to dispel a negative mind is to turn it into a blessing mind. Meaning, when we start to think negatively, we should turn our thoughts into blessings for other people.

This is much harder to do than it sounds, and I started to let my mind wander on that for a bit. Why is it hard to bless others? Why is it difficult to get our minds off that negative track once it starts? Is there some part of me that LIKES being unhappy? And why when I am unhappy is it hard for me to wish others to be happy?

and I had this thought:

The world is an abundant place. Blessing you to have more joy is not wishing for myself to have less joy.

In a previous post, I shared the trick of starting every interaction with the thought "I want you to be happy." And in it I said that does not mean, I want you to be happy, but not happier than I am, and certainly not happy before I am happy.

And I think that is what it all stems from, this not wanting to let go of my own unhappiness by blessing others, because what if there is not enough joy in this world left over for me.

This is an abundant world, it will make as much joy as I can handle, and then some.

Today, I am going to focus on being joyful. Doing my absolute best to complete the impossible task of using up all the joy in the world, by giving it to others and to myself.

I wish for you to be joyful,

Gabbi

I am INSANE, but I know I am not alone

2011-11-11T10:31:00.002-06:00

So, I have my first whole weekend with a new beau.

At his house.

I am freaking out!

Want to know why?

Because we all know, at some point, I am going to have to POOP!

Oh my God. I have no idea if I am ready for the whole "Pooping" thing. I mean, with my kids at my house, who cares. Poop is a constant topic. Did you poop? Are you pooping? Do you have to poop?

But with a new man, there is no poop talk. I have been on a bajillion dates, you would think I would have this whole pooping while in a relationship thing down. But I totally don't.

These are some possible solutions that I have come up with:

Hold it. All weekend. Pray my tummy does not explode.

He lives in the country, maybe I could pretend to go for a walk and poop in the woods. Of course, it is cold and he lives on a hill and could probably see me from some window...that would be even more awkward than just pooping in the bathroom, like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING.

I could pretend to need to go to the store and poop there.

That's it, that's all I got.

And not one of those ideas is even remotely within reason. Well, maybe the pooping at the store...that has some possibility. Did I mention he lives 20 minutes from any kind of a store???

Guess I am just going to have to take my friend Cliff's advice:

"Well, you could go camo. Take a shower and squeeze it out while the shower is getting hot."

I love the man perspective.

I totally blame my mom for this. She never farted in front of us as kids.

EVER.

So now, I am stuck between childish obsession (how I act with my children) and totally repressed. I have no idea how to handle a normal natural bodily function in front of a man I care for. THANKS MOM! Bet she never thought her lack of farting in front of me would be the cause of my need for therapy.

Tummy ache,

Gabbi

Journey

2011-11-08T13:14:00.001-06:00

The journey continues for me. My current journey has found me plumb in the middle of being certified to be a Life/Executive Coach. Whoa! I had been thinking about it for awhile, and then I spoke with the trainer and that same day I started.

There are so many times in my life when I contemplate something, and think on it, and ruminate on it, and marinate on it....and then....I throw myself off the cliff right into the thick of whatever I have been pretending to be contemplating and really all I have been doing is trying to come up with some really good reasons NOT TO DO IT.

So, off the cliff I go!

If you are interested in coaching, check out the website at: http://www.centerforcoachingcertification.com/

BONZAI,

Gabbi

Grief

2011-09-06T16:37:00.002-05:00

Grief is such a difficult emotion to witness. It has a life of its own that can overtake us and drown us in its pain.

In my womens group, the facilitator talks about holding space for other people. I love this idea of holding space. It is not fixing or doing or making things better, just being present. Being present to bear witness to grief. Give grief its due. Pay homage to those who are suffering and to love them and hold them tightly.

I have been a witness to unbearable grief. As painful as it was, it felt good to be there, quietly holding a hand and hearing the story.

It has been on my heart to talk about the need to teach our children to grieve. To be sad, to express pain and still carry on somehow.

Somewhere along the way in my life, I picked up the belief that to cry was to be weak. And I spent a better part of my teen years not crying. Until one day, I started to cry and found myself unable to stop. Those were very difficult times for me. I had no idea how to grieve and be sad and not be completely consumed, swallowed up in my own angst.

I used food to cope for a lot of years. Again, having no idea how to cope with feelings, any of them, I ate or didn't eat, as the case may be to drown it out. Feelings were all frightening. From my experience as a teenager of not being able to cry and then once starting, being unable to stop was so traumatic that I would do anything to not be in that place again.

I have since learned how to have feelings and still be ok. Feelings do not define the person I am, they come and go. No longer am I a hostage to them. Feelings are a signal that something needs attention. There is no need to panic or feel afraid of them, they are just the tinkling of my front door chime, letting me know to perk up and be aware of my surroundings and a situation that may or may not require any action on my part.

I pray that I am able to teach my children how to cope with feelings. See them as their tinkling door chime. It is ok for our children to see us on our knees in grief. It is ok, for them to see us wipe our eyes and get up and carry on through another day seeing us do the things that need to be done. Their lives will have pain and sadness and joy and hope and love and it is our job to teach them to savor and fully experience all of it without losing themselves.

Let me be a good teacher,

Gabbi

Just the Right Place at Just the Right Time

2011-08-30T10:11:00.002-05:00

Again, providence led me to a meeting last night, which led me to a woman, who led me to an article that absolutely spoke to me.

Pete Walker on Abandonment Depression

Wow! I have really been struggling with my issues of being afraid and being alone and basically, not being enough. My fear of lack has been triggered and it has sent me back into some old patterns. I am thankful because I am recognizing it so much faster, but it is still painful.

Here is my issue. I have one rejection from a man, and immediately, I start to swirl. My mind tries to pinpoint what exactly about me is so defective that this ONE person does not immediately love me. And then I start to surround myself with other men and try to fill up my empty cup that way. Except here is the problem, my cup has a hole in the bottom and so regardless of how much is poured in, it just comes out the bottom. I cannot be filled. I have to fix my cup first.

(As a side note: the story of the cup was told to me last week by another amazingly wise woman when I compared myself to a black hole of need. It was gently explained to me that we all have a cup. Sometimes, we encounter people whose cups are broken and at times, our own cups are broken. When that happens, we are unable to be filled up. We can only fix our own cups. So, when I feel empty and afraid, it has nothing to do with others, it has to do with my cup. When I encounter other people whose cups are broken, I can fill them all damn day and it won't make a bit of difference because they need to fix their cup first. I am so blessed to have so many wise women in my life to give me perspective when I am full of self loathing)

I hate myself for this. Logically, I know I am amazing and any man I chose to be with is the luckiest bastard on the planet. I am kind and loving, intelligent and accepting, gosh darn funny, and at times downright insightful. I can and do take care of myself and my kids and hold it all together really well. But, I still feel afraid that it is not enough.

What the F? I want to completely reject these feelings as preposterous and needy and I hate to be needy more than anything. I want to be an island unto i myself, completely self sufficient and as such, unable to be hurt.

But that is not my reality. I am needy. We all are, we all have a need to be loved and admired and cared for. And as much as that is exactly what I want, it is terrifying to be vulnerable. I have been working to alow myself to be vulnerable. But, it is painful. I have acccepted some hurts and bruises along the way, which is ok and healthy, but my recovery from them has been spotty.

I want to cry for a set amount of time and then be over it. Again, not my reality.

I spoke with a woman last night, and I was telling her what was going on with me. She had really good insight, I told her "boys are my challenge" she laughed and said "no, boys are your lesson".

She went on to explain to me, that rejection of any kind no matter how small, triggers all of my old fears of being abandoned.

Ouch.

It hurt to hear her say that, and immediately the tears started to flow and so I know it was true for me.

She said I was cruel to myself, that I do not just allow myself to be the real true person I am, who has this "abandoned" reaction to rejection. She told me I needed to accept it. Accept my reactions just as I would accept that my eyes are blue and I am 5'3". Those are immutable features, just as my fears are just a part of who I am. BUT, I have no need to allow them to take over my life. I can acknowledge them, accept them and move on.

My current attitude has been to wholeheartedly reject any feeling that does not seem rational.

Ummm, since when did FEELINGS become rational?

Since NEVER.

I have been trying to use my rational, logical mind to reject my feelings because they are dumb, and in turn I categorize myself as dumb and unworthy.

The article I linked to above was so insightful on this phenomena that I experience. I feel so relieved that this is common. I am not crazy (ok, I am crazy, but the good kind). I now have tools to work through this and I feel hopeful and like my cup now has a bottom on it, the glue is still a little wet. The cracks give me character and I need to be gentle and loving to myself. But I am getting there.

Getting stronger,

Gabbi

Call to Arms

2011-08-29T16:53:00.003-05:00

Lately, I have felt this "call to arms" to connect to other women in a strong and meaningful way. I am not sure what it means or what it looks like, but I know that I am being gently guided to people and events that I am meant to know and experience.

Through my sister, I met Nellie Moore. Nellie is facilitating a women's circle at my sister's coffee shop, Earth Angels in River Falls, WI every other Tuesday night at 7:00 pm. All women over 18 are welcome. This has been a powerful experience for me. I have found that being single again has helped me to confront some of my fears of being alone. Rather than (as I would have in the past) filling that space with any available man, I am learning to fill that space with love, peace, acceptance and strong women who help to carry us through and reflect back to us our own amazing strength.

This is a journey in progress and I will keep you posted as I go and I hope you will journey with me and share your experiences.

But, the point of this post is to share an experience I had over the weekend. My niece Rena is pregnant and her baby shower was on Sunday. It was a lovely event hosted by my other niece, Ari.

Nellie Moore, an amazing woman and Shamana was in attendance and performed a beautiful and powerful exercise of love and connectedness for Mom and Baby.

Here is how it went: Nellie brought a spool of yarn, and wrapped the end of it around Mom's wrist several times, moved on to the next person who did the same, looped their wrist several times and passed the spool on, this continued until everyone in the room had done it. Please know, the spool was not cut at this point and so we were all connected to each other by this spool of yarn. Nellie then said a blessing for mom and baby and we all held up our wrists that were connected and silently we all made wishes for mom and baby. Then we passed a scissors and the yarn was cut and we all wrapped the ends around our wrists to make a bracelet.

Now, at this point everyone has a choice of whather or not to keep their bracelet on. The intention is that we all wear our bracelets until the baby is born as a constant reminder of the strength and hope we intend for mom and baby. As we wear our bracelets and live our lives, the yarn will felt together and fuse the individual strings into one strong, solid strand.

I found this ceremony to be powerful and beautiful. To me, the bracelet is an amazing reminder of all of the people who love and care for us and the strength we have together.

This bracelet has a dual meaning for me, not just for Rena and baby girl, but for my niece Ari as she embarks on a new journey in her life. When I look at this bracelet I will think of and send love to all three of these amazing women I am blessed to have in my life.

Always Connected,

Gabbi

Today

2011-08-19T12:59:00.002-05:00

Today I feel a little bit like a whirlwind of energy.

Today I think dating is comparable to death by a thousand cuts.

Today I am bursting with goodness.

Today I am choosing to live the religion of kindness.

Today I am happy to be me.

Today I realized my dream man is Atticus Finch. (This is ripe for all kinds of self analyzation, but for now, I am leaving it be...future blog entry, more than likely)

Today I know I am living to my potential.

Today I am comforted and loved.

Today my toe nails are painted really cute.

Today I am happily snapping my gum and singing along to country music at work.

Could it get any better,

Gabbi

A little to short and sweet

2011-07-15T14:35:00.002-05:00

OK, fine, YES! I want to do a relationship post-mortem. It so sucks.

I don't want to wallow or indulge in trying to mine out the 'true" meaning of every little word typed or uttered.

But:

I DO want to. I am sick and twisted that way. But, I won't.

Actually, this break up has been a huge learning experience for me. It used to be that I was terrified of being sad or going through heart break. Instead of feeling, I ate or drank or overindulged in some other self destructive behavior.

This time around, I felt sad. I cried a little bit. Thought about the things I would miss, and the things I totally WOULD NOT miss, and all the awesome loving people who are STILL in my life. And so, even though I felt sad, I knew it would end and that I could handle it. Being sad really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

When he said that I deserve better, I decided to believe him. He seems like a smart guy, I trust him. He's right, I do deserve better.

Something BETTER,

Gabbi

I believe you

2011-07-15T14:31:00.001-05:00

He says: You deserve better.

I say: I believe you.

Single again,

Gabbi

A blog inspired by another blog....

2011-06-28T11:29:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been pretending to be a grown up and cleaning out and replacing things in my home. Such as the fifty five hundred pieces of non matching silverware that I once owned. I went to Ikea, spent $7.99 times two, on new and totally matching silverware. Service for 8, not fifty five hundred bedraggled orphans who may or may not like bits of rust (that COULD be a spice) in their food.

It felt so good to throw away every last bit of that crappy rusting, some plastic, some not silverware.

Except the forks.

My sister needed forks, so I saved those for her. She doesn't care if they match or not, and none of them did. If you eat at her house, that may or may not be pepper...just sayin'.

Then, I stopped at Marshalls and bought all new plates. And got rid of the 700 pounds of non matching plates I had.

Next on my list, which after this story I tell you, you will think "Hmmm, that should have been first on her list." but whatevs, I do things in my own time.

Doing laundry, and feeling all grown up and empowered by my new silverware and plates that are all matchy and stuff, I was folding towels and thought "Really? This is what I call towels?"

All of them have holes, not just at the seams, but in the middle, big holes. Is the work of a towel so fraught with danger that holes are just a part of the job hazards for a towel? What is happening after the bath or shower that is so brutal that my towels are literally splitting in the center? When I use a towel, there is some gentle buffing, maybe some vigorous rubbing of my hair and some twisting to put my hair up, but NOTHING that could account for the damage that has been inflicted on my war torn towels. What the hell is happening here people??? I may never know, but my towels have been through some rough times.

But this, THIS is what pushed me over the edge....

New-ish boyfriend (meaning, it has been long enough that he spends the night, but not long enough that we fart in front of each other): "I am going to go take a shower. I need a towel."

Me: "I just folded one, it is on top of the dryer."

I hear the shower turn on, some time passes, I hear the shower turn off and the curtain being drawn back. Several seconds pass and I hear laughter, loud laughter coming from the bathroom.

New boyfriend enters the bedroom and says: "Okay, I know I am a small guy, but this is ridiculous."

He holds up HALF a towel.

Half. Of. A. Towel.

How in the world did I obtain HALF a towel??? How in the world did I manage to wash and FOLD half a towel and not realize it was half a towel? And where is the other half?

There are probably some things I am better off not knowing.

Towelicious,

Gabbi

Here is the blog that inspired this blog:

http://http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

Laundry Soap

2011-06-23T12:24:00.004-05:00

In keeping with my son's theory that I am a witch, here is my potion for homemade incredible laundry soap!

Maybe not "Homemade" but for sure Home MIXED!

Here are the three ingredients:

1 bar of Fels-Naptha Soap

1 cup of Arm and Hammer Washing Soda

1 cup of Borax

The tricky part is grating the Felz Naptha. It comes in a bar and you have to grate it. On a grater I use the parmesan cheese side because it makes it really fine. If you use the regular shredder sometimes it does not fully dissolve in the wash. I have only had that happen once and it is possibly because I overloaded my machine. (I like to cram as much laundry in there as possible).

So, one full bar of grated Felz Naptha, 1 cup of Washing Soda, and 1 cup of Borax. Mix it all together and there you have it.

I store mine in a Mason Jar with a top on it, but I have also stored it in an open container and it doesn't dry out.

I use 1/8th of a cup of the mixture for a full load of laundry. My mom says 2 Tablespoons, but I stick with my 1/8th of a cup.

My clothes smell nice and get really clean, even with a four year old boy who does his best to wreck all of his clothes.

The cost: At my local grocery store Felz Naptha is $1.25, a box of Borax is around $5.00 and the washing soda is around $4.00. The initial investment is $10. 25. But, the Borax and Washing Soda last a super long time. I should figure it out precisely, but I believe I have made at least 6 batches before I was out of those two things. And each batch does at least 24 loads of laundry (if you use 1/8th of a cup, if you use 2 Tablespoons like my mom does, well, that is a LOT of loads).

Good Citizen Factor: For some reason it also makes me feel good that there is a lot less waste when I am not throwing away jug after jug of laundry soap. even when I recycle it seems wasteful. This way I just have two cardboard boxes to recycle once in a great while.

Best Reason: It seems like kind of a 'Witchy" thing to do.

Laundry Witch,

Gabbi

As the Good Witch says "Only bad witches are ugly"

Illness or just Good Clean Fun?

2011-06-22T16:39:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time, I heard a fantastical tale of a product I could only dream existed. My lovely niece, who truly should be a contributor on my blog about all things Fashion and the plethora of Girly Products, spun a wonderful yarn about a tool that easily, painlessly and mark free removs blackheads and whiteheads from upon your countenance.

HOLY CRAP! There really is such a tool!

I found it while partaking in one of my favorite "my eyes are going buggy from the computer screen" breaks at work, which is flipping through the Avon catalog.

This weeks catalog (I don't know if they come out weekly or what) but the current one, if you buy a facial cleanser, you can get this blackhead/whitehead remover for...GASP! 99 cents!

99 cents for this amazing little devil. I am so excited to get this little bugger and spend an entire evening attacking my face with it. I advise you to check with me before coming to my home in the next couple of weeks, I may also attack your face. You might want to let the excitement die down before just dropping in.

I am not sure if it is a sign of a "Pickers" mental illness or just good clean fun, but there is nothing more disgustingly wonderful and fulfilling to me than popping a pimple.

I know, I am one sick bitch. I even make my daughter let me pick her face. We bond while I pick. No more picking now that we have a tool for it. This tool will provide us with so much more time to (insert Dale and Brennan's voices) "DO ACTIVITIES"! Sorry, little Step Brothers movie reference.

Anyways, I am twisted in more ways than you know and cannot wait to try this tool out in the privacy of my own bathroom.

Pickers Dream,

Gabbi

Rainy Days make me Wanna COOK

2011-06-15T13:41:00.002-05:00

Couple of problems with that:

1. I am at work

2. I can't cook

Try as I might, the only heat setting I know is "super hot". "Super hot" leaves everything I make, burnt on the outside, raw on the inside. Quite contrary to my firm belief that "super hot" should just cook things "super fast".

I also tend to try to do four other things whilst cooking. Such as, I can throw in a load of laundry quick, check out Sam's newest artwork, while running him a bath and playing a card game with Grace. Here is the deal, I got 3 maybe 4 hours after work in which to get everything done, multi tasking is a must.

Unfortunately to cook well, you must use the appropriate heat setting and actually know what you are doing before you juggle four other things whilst cooking.

I really want to be an amazing cook. I really really do. I want to raise adventurous eaters and if we cannot travel the globe physically, let's allow our palettes to be the globe trotters.

So, I have a few goals for myself.

1. Sit down with my kiddos and find a few recipes to try

2. Hit up Midtown Global Market and Trader Joe's for inspiration

3. Do nothing else other than cook while preparing said recipes.

I want the cooking of the food with my children to be just as enjoyable as the eating.

I have found that cooking with my son is so fun, when we make it a "potion". We tried Banana Bread this way a couple of weeks ago. What a blast, and since I was fully present in mind body and spirit while making our "potion" the Banana Bread turned out wonderful! It was a great learning experience for Sam and I. It forced me to slow down, we discussed measurements and hypothesized about what the heat would do to our potion.

Someday, I will be a wonderful cook. For now, I am going to start small, experiment with a lower heat setting and try one or two recipes with the kiddos. I will let you know how it goes!

Chef in the making,

Gabbi

Let's Try Something New

2011-05-26T09:55:00.003-05:00

From time to time I find a product, activity or accessory that I just HAVE to share. Much like Oprah's Favorite Things, but at a more realistic price point.

Newest discovery:

Avon Smooth Minerals Loose Powder Foundation

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this stuff.

I have to admit, I have a love/hate relationship with Avon.

Love part:

When I was little my mom sold Avon. There was nothing better than every other Saturday morning finding that big box of stuff on our doorstep. Going through the products, helping my mom sort out who bought what, checking off each item and deciding which samples to give to whom. And always, there was a little lipgloss or balm perfume to be had in it for me. Good memories.

Hate part:

It does not fulfill my need for immediate gratification.

Yea, that's pretty much it. Not much to hate there.

Anyways, my mom no longer sells Avon, but she does order it. The other day I didn't have time to do my makeup for work. I was dropping off Sam at my moms for the day and since my carpooler wasn't there yet, I quick ran and used my mom's makeup. I didn't have high hopes, because in all honesty, it is MOM makeup.

I used her little kabuki brush and Smooth Minerals Loose Face Powder and it was a glorious sight! My skin is a little bit blotchy, some red tones in it (thanks to my partially Norwegian heritage). This stuff smoothed it right out, and here is the best part: without being cakey.

HALLELUJAH!

The even better best part: lasted all dang day! I glowed. All day. Trust me, I checked continually in the bathroom. I wasn't so much checking on my makeup as I was checking myself out. My skin looked FAB.

The even betterest best part: $8.99

As Denise would say: AMAZEBALLS!

DANG, this is good stuff!

Even betterest best part Sharer,

Gabbi

Call your Avon Rep, people! If you need one go online at http://http://shop.avon.com/shop/default.aspx?col=2&omnCode=Shop_Home and they will hook you up, plus you can browse right online.

Response to Trends

2011-05-18T09:55:00.003-05:00

Grace and I have been fascinated with the new trend of jean hybrids. Seriously, we have these conversations regularly in our house, of either the wonders or the horros of what jeans can be made into.

For example:

Jeggings (Jeans + Leggings) Hmmm, interesting idea, but not for myself being in the curvaceously blessed category.

Pajama Jeans (Jeans+ Pajamas) I could get behind these, but not for $39.95 and not when they leave blue stains on any body part they happen to touch. Yes, I know someone who bought them and returned them. I suppose if you wash them before trying them on the smurf effect may go away, but once washed, no return-y. Not worth the risk.

Junderpants (Jeans + Underpants) This, I am just distraught over. I am not even sure where to go with this.

Grace had an amazing insight this morning into the NEXT BIG THING:

GENDERPANTS!

Genderpants are for people who want to HIDE THEIR GENDER!

I am assuming Genderpants are more for the male persuasion, but I could be wrong.

I am also assuming they come with some type of a backwards, grippy pouch for any manly bits that need to be tucked away. Maybe there is some creative usage of sticky tape or rubber speed bumps to hold things in place.

Genderpants. I like it. And my daughter will be a millionaire and I won't have to work and I can just blog all day. Lucky you.

ALL FEMALE GENDER,

Gabbi

Peaceful Parenting

2011-05-17T13:06:00.002-05:00

My peaceful parenting techniques have been tested by decidedly UNpeaceful children.

I really think they are both seeing me more peaceful and are just checking how far will I really take this whole "peaceful" thing.

How much can they get away with before my head pops off and lava bursts out of my neck?!?

We got close to a lava explosion.

Disaster was barely averted when the "F" bomb escaped someone's lips...I won't say who....but it was not Sam.

I took a moment or three and I managed to just say "You know what? I love you and I want you to be happy and have all the things you desire in life. But, I would not be a good mom if I let you behave like a fool and then rewarded you for it."

OK, this was moments after I yelled "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

But still. It's a work in progress, don't get all judgy on me.

Do you find when you have a new bit of knowledge or insight, it seems to be tested routinely after you discover it?

As if the Universe is just making sure you REALLY got it.

Well, I think I REALLY got it. When Sam has been throwing fits, I have been saying things like "Wow, I can tell you are really angry. It is ok to be angry, but it is not ok to scream or throw a fit. Why don't you come hug me and we can talk about it."

I was so proud when, after being told he could not do something (insert random half dangerous half hilarious activity) told me:

Sam: "Mom, I am SO ANGRY at you right now."

Mom: "I know, I would be mad if I REALLY wanted to do something and my mom told me no. But, Moms make the rules and sometimes we don't like them, but we still have to follow them. Give me hug."

And he did. He came over and hugged me. And for the most part, he felt better. He said how he felt, I acknowledged it and yet still kept the boundaries firmly in place. I loved that he TOLD me how he felt instead of throwing himself on the floor or stomping or hitting or any of those other physical activities that SHOW me he is angry.

It seems as though I have a better handle on peacefully dealing with my 4 year old, and then the 12 year old acts out.

This is the Universe saying "You SURE you got this?"

I GOT THIS,

Gabbi aka Mama Peace with a tiny bit of lava

Super Fun!

2011-05-09T12:13:00.002-05:00

This weekend Sam, Grace and I went to Mankato, MN to see my niece Ari graduate from college.

First, let me say how I am BURSTING with pride over my niece Ari. She is so amazing. Every time I see her I feel inspired to be a better person and to look fabulous doing it!

So, congratulations Ari, on being the first woman in our family to graduate from college. I could not be more proud of you.

Besides being a senior in college this year, Ari also worked at the brand spanking new Children's Museum in Mankato http://cmsouthernmn.org/ . She was one of the first employees and helped to create this brand new space for children to learn and explore their world. Sam and I got to experience it firsthand on Friday night.

Musical Maestros

HOLY TAPE SCAPE!

This is Sam and I inside the Tape Scape! The Tape Scape is the first of it's kind in the US. I was so fortunate to speak with Eric, the designer of the Tape Scape. The Tape Scape is a large structure you can walk, bounce, zoom, slide, glide and basically have super fun inside of, and it is made completely of TAPE! It took 240 hours to build and over 15 miles of tape! Huge THANKS to 3M for donating all of the tape. Eric, you did an awesome job!

There were plenty of other exhibits to keep the kiddos and the big kiddos (ME!) totally engaged and entertained, such as; tent play, they had a fisshing area with a real fishing boat you could sit in and a kayak you could test out, a fun play house with food and a garden out front you could harvest your food from, and a large area of foam blocks you could use to build a fort, an art store where you can buy very inexpensive supplies for your art-y projects, and don't get me started on the FAB shoes in the Dress up area! It also gave me many projects ideas to bring home and incorporate into our "real life".

What an amazingly fun time we had. Not to mention The Science Museum of Minnesota did a presentation called Suitcase Science which their website http://www.smm.org/suitcase/ describes as:

"Suitcase Science is a community-inspired theatre piece and exhibit that highlights many scientific disciplines: anthropology, geology, chemistry, sociology, and more!"

I actually learned a ton and laughed my butt off. Who knew silver is antibacterial??

We also did some of my other favorite things, such as eat at Chipotle (on my food program, I must proudly add), watched Despicable Me, and all pig piled into Ari's bedroom for a good long snooze.

Saturday morning, I hooted and hollered as Ari's name was announced, and she walked across the stage to get her degree, Cum Laude, no less.

I am so proud of you. I think I might have said that before, but just in case you missed it:

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

BURSTING,

Aunti Gabbi

MAD SCIENTISTS!

2011-05-02T09:39:00.007-05:00

This weekend, the kids and I played MAD SCIENTIST!

My four year old has had this awful habit of making "Potions" all over my house. I hadn't found a good way to deal with his getting into things he knows full well he should not be getting into. To be honest, I have felt exasperated. Opening my shower curtain to find a full tube of toothpaste squirted in it, is not exactly my favorite way to start the day; regardless of how creative and intricate the design.

Or walking upstairs to discover my hallway looks like this:

Not only is it a huge mess...but seriously, only MacGyver, and now my son, know how shaving cream and peroxide react to each other. The kid could blow up my house one day!

After spending a couple of weeks reading this website:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/

Which emphasizes peaceful parenting, did I come up with a proactive approach to try to head off his potion making.

The plan is this:

I made a sticker chart. For everyday that he stay out of the potion making business, he gets a sticker. Once he has accumulated 6 stickers, he and I do a science project/potion together.

I started off this Saturday with a fun and easy project for him and I to do together.

For this, he needed to earn no stickers. This science project was just to entice him in....give him a little taste of the fun we can have TOGETHER, and hope it is enough to keep him wanting more and out of my cabinets!

Here is how it went:

1. We put on our aprons

2. We gathered our supplies: plates, whole milk, food coloring, Q-tips and soap (yes, Grace, we see you, Silly Girl!

3. We poured just enough milk to cover the bottom of our plates

4. We prepared our magic wands a.k.a. Q-Tips by covering the tips in soap

5. We put drops of food coloring into our milk

6. And then: we swirled!

This project was perfect for all of the kids ages ranging from 1-12!

Even the baby had a blast.

So far, Sam has earned 2 stickers towards making a VOLCANO!!!

I feel really proud of myself for finding a way to solve this issue without it involving punishment. I love that I am now able to indulge his desire to explore his world in a safe way and while creating more of a bond between us. Last night he was so excited to put a sticker on his chart and to talk about the volcano we are going to make. This is a major win win for both of us.

Mad Scientist and Peaceful Parent,

Gabbi

Relationship Obituary

2011-04-29T10:18:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else do this?

I have been dating someone for a couple of months now. Things are going well, we seem compatible, have a good time together and enjoy each others company while still being respectful that we are grown ups and do have lives away from each other. It is all very civilized.

Except, that, lately, I have picked up on a bit of a hinky vibe. Nothing overt. Just a FEELING. Maybe a comment here, maybe a strange look, maybe a whole day without a phone call.

Caveat: I have PMS, so this could absolutely be me inside my head making all kinds of crazy random things string together into one giant clusterfuck catastrophe.

I am SUPER good at that. It is one of my many super secret talents that I try to hide from the world. And yet, I vomit it out onto my blog on a regualr basis. I am a narcissist, what can I say?

Anyways, back to the Hinky Vibe. So, I start feeling the Hinky Vibe and immediately, I start preparing:

THE RELATIONSHIP OBITUARY

(insert dramatic and doom-like music)

The Relationship Obituary is the pat answer you give to people who are well aware of your relationship and are suddenly UBER aware of the gaping hole that is now next to you at all functions and they just dont have the common sense TO MIND THEIR OWN DARN BUSINESS and so they say "Soooo, where is So and So?" while scanning the room for your dearly departed.

Normally, this would be where I break into hysterical sobs, and run zig zag away pushing people out of my way.

This is neither graceful or socially acceptable behavior. I know, I have done it, and the aftermath is brutal, I recommend my new technique, which is to memorize your own personal RELATIONSHIP OBITUARY.

All obits are pretty much the same when talking to random acquaintances whose business this is really none of ...

There are a few key things you need to know in order to construct a viable and acceptable relationship obituary.

First of all, all Obits start the same way, this is The Opening:

"You know, he was a really great guy, it just didn't work out."

Note: YOU MUST SAY THIS! This is not an option, unless you want to be seen as a bitter scorned woman.

You need a Main Reason, obviously it will be mostly bull shit, but you still need it, For example

TIME CONSTRAINTS:

"Our schedules, they were crazy, both of us working and kids, we didn't have enough time to fit it all in. "

We move on to the Staying Friends lie. This is a lie. Accept it and get over it. If you could still REALLY be friends, well, that would be a sitcom and not reality.

"We are still great friends and I really hope he finds someone, but for right now we both just realized, we are much to busy to put the time into a real relationship."

All of this needs to be said with a sad, yet understanding and accepting smile.

This is the Relationship Obituary that I have constructed for my current relationship.

Now the reality is that I would still probably break into hysterical sobs, run away zig zag, pushing people out of my way, if we actually broke up and someone actually had THE NERVE to ask me. But, for now, at least I have a plan.

Except, he called last night and said he really missed me. Hmmm, maybe I don't need to bust out the Obit quite yet.

Catastrophizing,

Gabbi

P.S. True friends, unfortuantely, get all of the hysterical sobbing, none of the running away and all of the walking me slowly through all the stages of grief. Damn, they are lucky.

Compassion

2011-04-28T15:31:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about compassion lately. I have been listening to a talks on http://ted.com. Specifically there is one by Chade Meng Tan who works for Google. In his talk, he poses a question:

What if, every person you met, you immediately thought "I want you to be happy."

I want you to be happy.

Not: I want you to be happy, but not to much.

Not: I want you to be happy, but not happier than me.

Not: I want you to be happy, but....(fill in your own words)

I want YOU to be happy.

Genuinely, truly, cheesy grin happy.

I pledge to make extraordinary efforts to live my life from that place of compassion.

Specifically, when my mom cuts me off while I am talking in order to assume I am saying one thing and I get super pissed because

THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM SAYING AND IF YOU WOULD JUST LET ME FINISH A FREAKING THOUGHT....

yea, I won't do that.

Instead, I can say in my head "I want you to be happy." Out loud continue my conversation gently leading my mom back to the accurate train of thought.

Ok, I might be like this at first:

THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM SAYING AND IF YOU WOULD.....sigh...i want you to be happy...

A work in compassionate progress,

Gabbi

P.S. I also promise to blog more....for realsies.

Been Awhile

2011-02-09T09:02:00.002-06:00

So, one of my "non-new-year-resolutions" was to post twice a week....

FAIL!

Oops.

But, in my defense, life is a little bit crazy. I did manage to take Sampson roller skating for the first time on Monday night.

Hilarious!

His legs looked like jello wiggling all over the place. It was cartoonish, I didn't know legs could move like that. He did, sort of, get the hang of it. A few more times and he will have it down.

I have had some new opportunities come up. At my job I am doing a little bit more public speaking, which I LOVE. Yesterday was my second time doing a small ten minute presentation. I thought it went well, I felt good about it, now we just wait for the feedback :)

I also have a brain child that my nieces and I are currently working on. A new website and app is possibly in the works. Don't worry, you will be the first to know about it once it is up and running. We have lots of research to do but I am really excited about it.

As a matter of fact, with all this new stuff I even had a dream that was very affirming.

Did you know, that if you dream of being pregnant or in labor that it means the birth of an idea or new way of life?

Well, I have these new opportunities in my life and I had a dream that I was at work and looked down and suddenly was pregnant.

I didn't feel shocked, was just like, "wow, I guess I am having a baby" totally calm, no big deal, totally unlike any real life scenario in which I would be running around freaking out, with gnashing of teeth and pulling of my own hair...but back to the dream.

So I am at work, and I realize not only am I pregnant, but I AM IN LABOR.

Again, no big deal, but I could feel the pains and kept thinking, "Hmmm, how long have I had these, I should have probably been timing them. If I had realized I was pregnant, I probably would have timed them" and then I kept on working.

More pains, and I think, "Ok, time to go to the hospital, BUT, I need to finish this one more thing"

More pains a while later "Ok, really time to go to the hospital, but let me finish this first"

Even more pains "Fine, I am going" I grab my stuff and my phone rings and I answer it. I finish the call and finally get to the hospital, where everything is fine, I am calm, total Mother Earth-ness going on....and then I wake up.

I realize, this dream is telling me to get out of my own way, I am on the right path and any delays I have had or will have, are my own doing. But even that is ok, because it is the natural flow of things and when it comes down to it, I will be in just the right place at just the right time.

Such a Zen Master,

Gabbi

Observations

2011-01-21T09:25:00.002-06:00

Things I have observed on TV that, for some reason, I keep thinking about.

Miss America Pageant

Miss Iowa says "Iowa produces corn for fuel. Our state gives you gas!"

Iowa gives me gas? It probably would if I went there.

Miss Utah says "53 women sharing a dream, not a husband. I'm Miss Utah!"

WOW! I have been laughing about that ever since. Those two comments right at the beginning were the highlight of the whole pageant, oops, I mean, "Scholarship Program".

Golden Globes...or whatever award show that was

If I see one more clip of Angelina Jolie putting on lip gloss I am going to puke. Three different shows showed it. Is this a surprise that Angelina Jolie wears lip gloss? Did we think her lips just came shiny and red? Or is it that she APPLIED IT HERSELF??? I am just not quite sure what the fascination was with her applying lip gloss, but that clip was everywhere.

Anyways, I feel better,
Gabbi

Conversation of the Day

2011-01-21T09:16:00.003-06:00

Since the weather is SO COLD and currently the heater in my moms Jeep is not working, my mom borrowed my car today to get to work. As I arrive at work, my cell phone rings:

Me: Hello?

My Mom: Gab?

Me: Yep.

My Mom: I am stuck in your car.

Me: What?

My Mom: I can't open the door.

Me: Why?

My Mom, sounding a little panicked: I don't know! The button to roll the window down won't work, the button to unlock the doors won't work! I CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR!

Me: Unlock the door manually.

Mom: WHAT?!?

Me: Unlock the door manually. It is ok, sometimes when it is really cold the button freezes or something and you can't roll the window down, no big deal. Just unlock the door.

Mom: I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR! THE BUTTON DOESN'T WORK!

Me: Mom, it is ok. Just use the lever.

Mom: IT WON'T OPEN!

Me: Mom, really, it is ok...you see the handle?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Ok, you see the button to unlock it?

Mom: I USED THE BUTTON! IT DOESN'T WORK!!!!

Me: Mom, not the BUTTON, the manual unlock lever right inside the handle. Do you see that?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Ok, now use the lever to manually unlock the door.

CLICKING NOISE (of the door unlocking)

Mom: BYE!

Me, talking to dead air: Love you Mom!

Technology kicks all of our butts at times,

Gabbi

Not a Resolution...

2011-01-09T20:23:00.003-06:00

So instead of a New Years Resolution I decided I would make a lifestyle change.

I am trying to be more a part of my community.

I started off with my local Community Education Paper. Winter/Spring edition...(Spring??? Really??? I have forgotten what that is...) anyways, I normally breeze through the Community Ed catalog and feel great disappointment at the choices. This time, my hopes were not high. But, paging through, I had to make a list, A LIST, of all of the classes and activities I wanted to do.

Budget wise, it was not feasible to do all of the items on my list. I whittled it down to:

Open Gym with Sam on Saturday mornings for $1
A Mad Science Class with Sam for $14
Family Game Night with both the kids once a month FOR FREE
3-5 year old Basketball, 3-45 min sessions for $10

AMAZING!

This weekend Sam and I tried the open gym offering. It was so FUN! It was at the Elementary school gym and they had hula hoops out, basketballs, small balls, big exercise balls, small and large scooters, Scoops (they resemble a skateboard without wheels and it is curved, like a scoop. You stand on it and balance and then wiggle forward or backwards and inch across the floor.) a parachute and a whole myriad of other kid friendly toys. Sam and I mostly chased each other around, which was a killer workout for me!

So, first foray into community involvement...A WIN!

I also had decided to try a church in my town. Grace groaned and complained:

Grace: But they will KNOW me there!!

Me: Well, that is the point of going to church in the town you live in...

While at Open Gym, I managed to work in that we would trying out the Lutheran church the next day...conveniently, some of those people attend that church...shocking, I know!

Today we attended church, Grace still groaning, but she went. Sam was excited and knew some of the kids from his daycare and felt right at home. I enjoyed the service although even though it was labeled contemporary, it was not as contemporary as the church we normally go to. I will give it some time and I am sure I will get used to the format. I know I totally embarrassed Grace because while they sang I held one hand open. No one else there did that, but at our other church this is common. Anyone who knows me, knows that if it feels right I do it no matter if others think it is odd. I am stubborn that way. I will continue to humiliate my daughter by holding my palm open during praise...LOL.

So, in one weekend I participated in two community events. I am pretty darn proud of myself.

Also, I was listening to a radio program and I heard a prayer by Desmond Tutu and I have to share it:

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Thy faithful people and kindle in them the fire of Thy love. Send forth Thy Spirit and they shall be; made and Thou shalt renew the faith of the earth.

That prayer spoke to me. I love idea of renewing the faith of the earth. For some reason, I have felt my faith renewed with the start of the new year. Nothing particular happened, but I feel happier and more content. Wonder how that happened?

Refreshed,

Gabbi

Losing touch

2010-12-31T09:57:00.002-06:00

Now that the Holidays are over, reality is settling back down around my shoulders. I feel anxious and fearful. I have lost touch with this very moment, in which all of my needs are met.

I have been trying to make conscious decisions about how I want to live in this world. Fearful is not how I want to live. Joyful is where I want to live. Be the best that I can; feel proud of my efforts.

So today, I reject my anxiety and fear. I embrace my true self who is doing the best she can. Even though there are times when I fall short, I can try, try again.

Today is New Years Eve. Normally full of hope and good (yet misguided) intentions.

In years past I have swung wildly between resolving to diet, get my finances under control, stop being messy, exercise everyday, be a perfect person....or swearing off resolutions altogether.

Instead of making all of these unattainable resolutions or burying my head in the sand:

This year, I will resolve to just do the next right thing.

The next right thing. One at a time, one after another.

Consciously resolved,

Gabbi

All kinds of things to share...

2010-12-29T10:58:00.002-06:00

So, this week my 12 year old daughter is off school. On Monday, my niece was going to take her to the water park, but unfortunately had to cancel on Sunday night...here's how it went down:

Me: Sorry Grace, Ari can't go to the waterpark tomorrow.

Grace: UGH! Now I won't EVER get to go. (flops herself down on the couch)

(No, she is not dramatic, AT ALL...)

Me: Well, if you want, I could take you tomorrow since I don't work and Sam is with Ted.

(OH SHIT! DID I JUST SAY THAT?!?!)

Grace, perking right up: SURE!

Me, backpedaling: Although I am sure you would rather go with Ari or a friend, no big deal.

Grace: No! I want to go with you. It will be fun.

Me: Yea, but you know I don't like rides, I have this fear of falling...I am sure you would have more fun with someone else.

Grace, totally not buying it: No, Mom, I want to go with YOU.

Me: Ok, ok, we can go tomorrow.

I will tell you, I let Grace stay up as late as she wanted that night...then I let her sleep in, I didn't even get out of bed until 10:30, then I tiptoed around the kitchen and made coffee and brekkie as quietly as I could....to no avail. 10:45, her head pops up out of bed. Boo!

We had breakfast while I came to grips with the fact that I was going to have to go to the waterpark.

UGH.

I flopped down on the couch...now look who is being dramatic....

I have one last ditch effort to get out of it and ask her if maybe she would want to bring a friend...

I mean I have the new Time Magazine to read and a good book...

nope, she wants me to go. I know she is just trying to torture me at this point.

FINE! But wait! Is the waterpark EVEN OPEN TODAY? They are closed on some Monday and Tuesdays. Boy that would be a shame...

yea, they are open and even more expensive because all the kiddos are off school.

Ok, ok, I get my swimsuit, some towels, some clementines and two cheese sticks, we have to keep our energy up for all those STAIRS we will have to climb.

We get there, get changed (rudely using the family changing room...LOL) and we go in. First of all, let me say, my bathing suit fit like a dream and I actually felt pretty good about it. It is a mom suit, but you know what...I AM A MOM. I was kind of amazed that the swimming suit part was not an issue for me. That was a huge revelation.

We start on the Lazy River, ooh, the water is warm, the park itself feels like the tropics...I could maybe like this.

We float for awhile and Grace wants to go do some body slides....my worst fear.

I am terrified of falling. But, I know I need to do it or I will never hear the end of it. We trudge (ok I trudged, Grace bounded) up 150 bazillion stairs, and all I can think is at least I am getting a work out before I die of a fear induced heart attack.

We get in line for the body slides and I don't even look to see how high they are or what they do, because I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Ignorance is bliss as far as I am concerned. We are waiting while people sit on the slides and wait for the green GO light. I realize, I am not as scared as I thought I would be. My heart is not pounding, I am not feeling sick to my stomach...as a matter of fact I am completely calm....could I be resigned to my fate of death by water slide? Or, could it be, I am just not scared anymore?

It is our turn, the slides are side by side, Grace sits in one, I in the other. Waiting for the green light was the worst part, the anticipation of not knowing what was coming, the sign says to slide "IMMEDIATELY" on the green light, what if I get stuck? What I don't slide IMMEDIATELY? Is that sure death?

GREEN LIGHT BITCHES!

Off I go, I slid. Oh! did I slide! It was kind of...FUN! I didn't scream, I just swished around, sliding faster faster until SWOOSH lots of water in my face...oh shit I am going to drown! I am dead! This is the end of my life!

...oh, never mind, just the end of the ride.

Phew!

I stood up, pulled my firmly wedged swimsuit out of my butt cheeks, looked at Grace...laughed, and said "Let's do it again!"

It was so much fun! We did body slides and the River Raft Ride. I admit one mf my most frightening and most rewarding moments was on the Family River Raft Ride.

I refuse to go on the tube slides, because I am sorry, but sitting in that prone position and then going down a slide, with water in my face...forget it, not happening! But, the Family River Raft Ride, that I can do.

We wait in line, get to the top, and I was a little nervous...maybe even a little scared. But we hop in the raft and get a push down the slide...it is all good, just a slide, and then WHOOP! Up the side we go, me half falling out of the raft...I scream...

Me screaming: OOOOHHHHH SHIIIIIIIT!

Grace screaming: I LOVE MY MOM!

What?

You love your mom? Oh my God! I love you too! It was in that moment that I was so thankful I did something I did not want to do. As much as I had dreaded it and tried to avoid the waterpark, it was the best thing I have done in a long time.

Afterward, Grace and I sat on the lazy river in a double tube and talked, and talked and talked.

Grace: "Mom, I knew you would love it, I didn't want to go with anyone else."

Me SCREAMING: I LOVE MY DAUGHER,

Gabbi

New Attitude

2010-12-21T16:28:00.002-06:00

For a long time now I have dreamed of going to Europe, buying a EuroPass and touring for an extended vacation with my children.

Today I have decided to stop dwelling in the world of SOMEDAY.

I set a date, started a savings account and am planning my trip to Europe.

Now, my date is a long way off: September 2014. But, I am planning 21 days of exploring, sight seeing and soaking up new cultures.

First, I asked my favorite traveling partner if she was up for the task. I received a resounding YES! from Miss Arielle.

Next, is to decide which cities do we want to visit. The first I thought of is Stockholm, Sweden.

And then, the Euro Trip Vision Board was born.

I have a savings account started and a trip to the bookstore planned to buy some guide books.

I have decided to thoughtfully plan out my trip. Rushing is not an option because I am basing my plan on the assumption, that I WILL BE BACK to do more of the things I couldn't fit in this go around.

Not that long ago, I could never have dreamt this far ahead. I could never have seen a clear plan and vision for my future. I was plodding through each day, unable to think any further ahead than the next day. My mind feels free and strong and my body is following suit.

8 months ago, I never would have imagined that I would be 49.5 pounds lighter. Much less planning a trip to Europe. Much less, a mini trip to Chicago in the spring. Losing weight has freed me of the emotional baggage that has weighed me down in so many ways for so long.

Any kind of goal I had, seemed insurmountable. So much so, that I didn't even have goals. Now I have goals galore. All kinds of mini goals, big goals, medium goals, goals of all shapes and sizes.

I live my life with purpose.

I find ways to expand my mind.

I am thankful for the area we live in, so rich with culture and art and FREE THINGS TO DO! I may want to expand my mind, but I still have a budget. I can show my children so many things and afford them experiences I had no idea existed. We truly are blessed.

My eyes are open to a fresh new world and I am so thankful!

Can't even believe what I am seeing,

Gabbi

GLASS HALF FULL

2010-12-07T09:01:00.003-06:00

In the last couple of days I have become aware of the positive influence I have been on my children. they are definitely 'glass half full' kids. They are encouraging and supportive.

Here is my proof:

#1

Sam: Mama, what happened to your wrist?

Me: Remember when I fell in the kitchen yesterday?

Sam: Yes

Me: Well, this is my owie, I got a bruise.

Sam (in his proud of his Mama voice): Mom, that was a great trick!

#2

Grace: OMG, Mom, did you know the new slippers you bought totally MATCH your gloves?!?!

Me: No, I didn't, but they do match. Funny.

Grace, puts up her hand for a high five (congratualtory voice): Way to be accidentally stylish Mom.

See? How can I not feel great after that...LOL

Have I set the bar so low?,

Gabbi

Writers Block

2010-12-02T09:49:00.002-06:00

I have had the worst writers block.

UGH!

It took a good Thanksgiving to shake me out of it.

Ok, and I joined a dating website. Head hung slightly in shame, and then again, I could meet some nice men and I definitely will have some great blogging material.

It has been 36 hours and already I have:

Two potential coffee dates with seemingly kind, respectable men

An offer of a Friends with Benefits

A man who lives in Pakistan wanting to be my friend, maybe more

"Sweetlova" wanting to add to my happiness

YAY to the two coffee dates and a NO! No, and a NOOOO to the others.

The D's:

Mr. FWB doesn't even have a photo up. Not that I would be into that kind of thing, but if I were the kind of gal who was, I would at least want a photo. For real. Give me a break. Who wants to take that kind of risk. He could be Jabba the Hut.

Mr. Pakistan...well, he lives in PAKISTAN for Goodness Sake. That is a little to long distance for me, and he has a 'fro.

Mr. Sweetlova...the name did it. made me think of a creepy uncle. Not sure why, and I am sure Freud would have something to say about that, but there it is.

Writer's Block Whipped,

Gabbi

Things I learned over Thanksgiving Break

2010-12-02T09:42:00.002-06:00

WalMart is the single most dangerous place to be in the US on Black Friday

Four hours of sleep IS NOT ENOUGH

Four days is to long to go without seeing my kids

A 1000 piece puzzle is to much, even for the Amazing Duo of Ari and I

Not overeating on Thanksgiving is the most beautiful feeling

BUT MOST OF ALL I LEARNED:

Seeing a little girl at the Salvation Army with bare legs on a 12 degree day;

Serving homeless people who are carrying everything they own;

Handing out gloves to those who have none:

really puts into perspective my sadness over not being able to eat pumpkin pie

I was truly moved by the spirit of giving and being thankful for what I have.

Hugs,

Gabbi

A whole lot of nothing

2010-11-09T10:39:00.002-06:00

Right now there isn't a ton going on in my life, other than work and my kids, which is plenty. But, since I am drama free at the moment, yesterday I felt the need to create some for myself.

Out of the blue, I realize it is November 8th. NOVEMBER 8TH! Christmas is just around the corner...and here is where things start to get fuzzy....

Me (in my head, of course, because if I actually said it out loud, well then it would be ridiculous): Oh crap, it is November 8th. NOVEMBER 8TH, it can't be, but it is, shit. Have I even thought about Christmas. Nope. Will I have money for Christmas? Oh yeah, I have money for Christmas, I am good there. I got this. But wait, what if I don't have any Christmas traditions? Do I have Christmas traditions? Do I make the holiday special enough for my children? Does this mean I have to buy Sam toys, because I JUST cleaned out his toys and to have to do it again would royally SUCK. I hate cleaning, I really need to clean the upstairs bathroom. I think I ight be out of toilet paper...one more stop to make, I need to make a list Ugh, and Grace's list, the older she gets the more expensive she is. Wait, do I have Christmas traditions? No, no I don't. Great! my kids will grow up with no good warm Christmas memories and I will have failed as a parent. Maybe I could quick join a religion that doesnt celebrate Christmas... but not Jehovah's Witness, are there other ones that dont celebrate??? I could become Jewish, except then I have eight days and eight nights of unfulfilled children, forget it. Ok, wait, I do take the kids to the Holidazzle parade and we ride the light rail...ok I did once last year, but I will do it again this year and it will be a tradition. If you do it more than once, that makes it a tradition, right? My hair looks crappy today, should have at least put on makeup. So after this year, I can say it is our tradition. Phew, that is one. Well, we also open one gift on Christmas Eve, which is always pajamas. Matching jammies make cute Christmas morning photos. Am I losing sight of the big picture here? this is supposed to be about the birth of Christ not toys and traditions. Well, it is about toys and traditions and I better get my butt on the toys and traditions train before it passes me by. The kids are getting older, Sam thankfully won't remember other Christmases, but does Grace? Does Grace have good memories? Do I have toilet paper? When am I going to have time to shop??? What will I buy??? OMG Santa photos....Do we bake cookies? Does the house smell good and Christmas-y? Are rice krispie treats cookies???

and on and on it went until my stomach hurt and I felt panicked.

This is what I call Motherly Guilt. I haven't had that in awhile. Guess I was due.

Totally over Christmas,

Gabbi

I got TOLD

2010-11-03T15:27:00.002-05:00

Riding in the car last night Sam was being a pistol. And by a pistol, I mean a screaming banshee because I was making him get in his carseat. God forbid.

Sam: STOP PUSHING ME! I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!

Me, trying to be calm, but seriously, I am so annoyed at this point: Sam just get in your seat we need to go home.

SAM: DON"T TOUCH ME! YOU ARE HURTING ME! MY ARM, YOU TOUCHED MY ARM!

Me: I am not even touching you. Stop being so dramatic.

SAM: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! STOP TALKING TO ME!

Me: You are not being very nice and I don't like how you are talking.

SAM: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!

Me, the thought crosses my mind to...ok, we won't go there.

I finish buckling him, amidst screams and guttural moans that I am sure to my moms neighbors sound like I am killing my child. Which, I. AM. NOT.

I get in the front seat and I hear this:

Sam (totally normal voice): Mom, could I have some candy when we get home?

ME, incredulous: Umm, no, not after how you just acted.

SAM: WAHHHHHHH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE....CANDY

Me: You know what, I am not talking to little boys who talk mean. Conversation over.

Long silence.....

Sam quietly: Grace?

Grace: Yea buddy?

Sam to Grace: Don't talk to mama, she is an evil witch.

Sam to me: You know what? Grace and Sam don't talk to evil witches, how 'bout that?

He showed me,

Gabbi aka Evil Witch

Halloween

2010-11-01T12:23:00.002-05:00

This Halloween brought new chllenges for me. For those in the know, I am in Overeaters Anonymous, I have a food plan and that plan does not include sugar.

Holy crap, it is Halloween, which is all about the sugar.

Of course, I still took my kiddos trick or treating.

I was exhausted from overscheduling myself over the weekend and then stayed up until 3am on Saturday reading a book! Self sabotage much??

The last few years, a friend and her family pick us up and we ride on a trailer pulled by their four wheeler. The adults relax on hay bales and hide under blankies while the kids run like maniacs from house to house.

While riding on the trailer with the other adults, I felt sad that I could not raid the kids' candy bags as they hopped on and off. Every year on the trailer the adults go through and pick out what they like and the kids jokingly holler at the adults for being candy stealers.

After, we would stop at Grandmas, the kids got to show her their haul and then we would sort candy.

The kids would give me the stuff they didn't like, and then Grandma and I would share that, plus I would eat as many mini candy bars as the kids would let me steal without making them mad.

This year, I missed the tradition of eating their candy while on the trailer. But I knew that the only difference was that I was not eating candy. I was still enjoying their enthusiasm, especially Sam, he was the smallest, but definitely the fastest, running as fast as he could from house to house, running back to the trailer, throwing his candy bag up onto the trailer and then scrambling up himself, it was so cute.

But, I still felt a sense of loss.

When we got to my mom's afterwards, Grace sorted her candy on the floor and Sam sat at the table with me and started sorting his. I was aware of how much I really wanted to eat his candy. I examined those feelings, because I had no desire to eat Grace's candy, just Sam's. I wonder if that was because I would be able to get away with it, because Sam would never notice, unlike Grace who sorts her candy and then catalogues it...she is a bit much. ha ha ha

After Sam was done sorting, I had a sinking feeling that this candy was going to beat me if I gave it any kind of room to do so. I asked my mom to keep sam's candy. She protested, until I said "I really can't have it in the house right now." She immediately understood and said she would put it away.

I was surprised at my feelings of wanting to binge on candy, but at the same time, I was so tired and felt I probably should have anticipated that the holiday would trigger some old feelings. I was totally able to see that even while it was happening and took steps to mitigate how I felt.

When I got home, I enjoyed my healthy snack and got some much needed rest.

Today, I feel good, not even a twinge of a candy urge.

Thanks to the program for teaching me to HALT. Never get to Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired.

It also has lead me to start thinking about the even bigger Holidays that are coming and what I can do to deal with the feelings they will bring on. I realize, I will need a good solid plan and lots of support.

Not the Candy Monster,

Gabbi

Oh, Sam!

2010-10-27T11:09:00.002-05:00

Sam is beginning to outgrow his little undies. I am learning that things change suddenly when little boys move up undie sizes.

Sam is now to the peek-a-boo undie stage. You know, the little flap thingie in the front. I assume this is so while at the urinal they aren't flashing their butt cheeks to the world.

Anyways, I bought Sam a size bigger boxer briefs. Size 4/5, and they now come with the little flap thingie.

Trying out his new undies, Sam sticks his hand through the hole and says:

Sam: What is this?

Me: (In my head: Crap! Where is Dad when you need him???)

Me: Well, uh, when you are a big boy, you don't HAVE to pull your undies all the way down. You can just put your pee-pee through the hole, go pee and tuck it back in.

While I am saying this, I am sticking my pointer finger through another pair of undies that I am holding, you know, to demonstrate.

Sam is staring at me, and suddenly lets out this huge belly laugh. He was clutching his sides, bent over laughing and laughing.

I start laughing too, and finally he calms down and says:

Sam: Tell me again!

So, I explain it to him all over again, and....

Sam: BWAHAHAHAHAHA Side clutching, bent over....BWAHAHAHAHA

Trust me Little Man, there are lots of male mysteries that you will laugh at thoughout your life, and many female mysteries you are better off not knowing.

Mystery Master,

Gabbi

NEW CATEGORY!!!

2010-10-21T12:26:00.003-05:00

This is a NEW CATEGORY!!!

It is called:

The Lunch Break Double Take

TA-DA!

This category will be pictures of random things I see on my lunch breaks. Things, that, make me do a double take, if you will.

Todays pics are special, so enjoy!

First: A Double Bike with a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal strapped to the back. At first glance, I thought this was a rickshaw. And I was jealous.

Second: Is this the biggest straw you have EVER SEEN???

And last but not least, I had to pull over, hop out of my still running car, dash down the street and snap a photo of this sign. Not merely because it is hilarious and confusing, but because a long time ago, my sister had taken a picture of this sign and texted it to me. I had no idea where this shop was, and happened upon it the other day.

And yes, I snapped all of these in one day, over my one hour lunch break.

Not your Grandma's Sexy Asian Antique buyer,

Gabbi

P.S. Friday, I am actually going into the store! WOO HOO

It is NOT ok

2010-10-19T15:55:00.003-05:00

to teach my 3 year old to:

say "Shut the front door"

I realize this is not swearing, but close enough, darn it!

Fart on his hand, stick it in your face and yell "Smell IT!"

I was later informed, this is called a Ventriloquist Fart. Invented by none other thatn the Fitzgerald/Grengs clan. Thanks for that important contribution to mankind.

say "I ripped a nasty"

Gross, just gross.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Gabbi

Childish

2010-10-12T12:50:00.003-05:00

A small sidetrip to Barnes and Noble and I am slapped in the face with my own immaturity...

Oh yeah, I saw this and immediately cracked up.

And I almost cried with laughter over this.

Did I mention when I paid with cash, my change was 69 cents? ....coincidence.... I think not!

Rivaling any adolescent male out there,

Gabbi

The Gracie Story

2010-10-12T09:10:00.002-05:00

Today my girly is 12 years old. We have a little tradition that before we go to bed the night before her birthday, we snuggle up and I tell her "The Gracie Story"

Here it is:

On the evening of Oct. 11, 1998, I was officially one week overdue. I was miserable, every step hurt. I felt like my hips were breaking apart. I was also going through Dill Pickle Potato chip withdrawal.

SIDENOTE:
During my pregnancy I had developed an addiction to dill pickle potato chips and on more than one occasion had eaten a whole bag without even realizing it. The next day, my "ankles" if you could even call them "ankles" would be the size of my thighs. I tried to quit them cold turkey, only to find myself longing for them so desperately I would be reduced to tears. My mom finally yelled at me to "eat the damn chips!" Then she bought me a small wooden bowl at a garage sale and every night I could have one small bowl of potato chips. I love my mama.

I also had an addiction to Icee's and had to drive quite a ways to find them. Kmart in Oakdale saw me on occasion.

Back to the story:

While in the throes of DPC withdrawal, I was sitting on the porch with my mom, swinging on her porch swing and crying, saying "This baby is NEVER going to come! I am going to be pregnant FOREVER!" Sob Sob SOOOOOBBBBB

My mom, said " Honey, you will not be pregnant forever, it isn't even possible"

Me: "screw you and your damn logic, I AM going to be pregnant forever!"

And I waddled/lumbered to bed.

At around 12:30 in the morning I woke up with a contraction. One contraction. Immediately I knew: This. Was. It.

I went downstairs, called the hospital, lied my ass off and told them I had been having contractions for hours, 20 minutes apart. They told me to go take a shower, get my stuff together and to come on in.

Turning around, my mom was in the kitchen and said "Is it time?" and I said "Hell yes, it's time!"

I showered, grabbed my bag and came downstairs, my mom and both of my sisters were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. We were ready!

My sister Shelly drove me to the hospital, after a quick pit stop at the gas station for a Mountain Dew (another one of my addictions during pregnancy). I knew those devil nurses weren't going to allow me to have anything to eat or drink. Already I was smuggling in contraband!

By the time we got to the hospital my contractions were coming fast and furious, about two minutes apart. Told you this was it.

At the hospital, I got checked in and settled in my room. I had one rule,

If I am not talking, YOU are not talking.

I needed silence to get through the waves of contrations, any outside noise immediately broke my concentration and infuriated me.

After quite some time, I had an epidural, and all was good. I felt so great, Let's visit! Hee hee

Twenty minutes later, I was ready to push and finally get this baby out of me!

I kicked everyone, but the nurses, out of the room, for some reason, I was feeling modest...

As my sister Shelly was leaving the room she poked her head back in and yelled to the nurses "We are good pushers! It will be over quick!"

She was right, we are good pushers. A few minutes later, Miss Grace's cries could be heard.

I was overjoyed.

And itchy? Itchy? Why does my face itch? Holy crap, my whole body is itching! WHAT THE HECK?!?!

Reaction to the epidural...and another shot to counter act the side effects. Ahhh, relief.

Grace weighed 7 pounds 12 oz., was 20.5 inches long, born at 12:20 PM on Oct. 12, 1998.

It was the best day of my life. The only equal to it, is the day Sam was born. On February 14, 2011, I will share "The Sam Story"

Luckiest Mama ever,

Gabbi

Newest Member of THE MOM SQUAD

2010-10-08T09:00:00.003-05:00

So, as some of you know, my 17 year old nephew is living with me. And with that comes a whole new set of experiences and responsibilities.

I love having him there, he is a sweet kid and I truly felt honored that he would ask me to be his pseudo-mom for the year.

Last night was the first time where I really felt like a pseudo-parent of a 17 year old.

A little context:

My nephews dad is out of town so he is house sitting his dads big beautiful house set on several acres in the country.

This is how the text conversation goes:

Matt: I was thinking of having a couple friends over for a bonfire on Saturday night at my dads.

For me, immediate alarm bells are going off. As innocuous as he is trying to make this sound, I was once 17 and partied in the country also and know EXACTLY what happens in big beautiful house sitting on several acres of land during a bonfire.

And so this is where the parent part comes in....

Me: So, will there be alcohol at this bonfire? Because I am not comfortable with you having people over without any supervision. That is just trouble waiting to happen. If you want, you can have a bonfire at our house.

It really frightened me that I was texting these words.

When did I become Miss Responsible?

When I can CLEARLY remember the fun and rowdy times I had at bonfires in my youth.

As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure it was a right of passage to get drunk, have your mom and all your friends moms find out, and then all pull up in a vehicle or two together, which we called "The Mom Squad" and drag all of our sorry drunk butts out of parties while other kids are screaming "PARENTS!!!" and running, jumping out windows, off decks, hiding in corn fields, scattering like rodents trying to get away.

Can you tell I grew up in a small Wisconny town?

And here is where he lays the trap:

Matt: If you want, you can come chaperone the bonfire.

DUM DUM DUM

So, anyone want to come hang out Saturday and chaperone a bonfire with me?

It is official, this is the new face of "THE MOM SQUAD"

Old before my time,

Gabbi

Weenus

2010-10-06T10:15:00.004-05:00

Today I was just feeling....Blerg.

I woke up late, ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to get ready in a timely fashion.

I was putting my pants on and this conversation takes place:

Sam: Sooo, where is your weenus?

Me: What?

Sam: Your weenus, where is it?

Me: What is a weenus? (yes, I was pretty sure I knew where this was going, but had to check before I forayed into a quite possibly wholly unecessary conversation)

Sam Whips his pants down, points to his penis: You know, a weenus. Where is it?

Wholly unecessary conversation becomes necessary. SIGH

Me: It 's called a PENIS, not a weenus. And girls don't have a penis.

Sam, incredulous tht he would have to explain something so simple to me: YOU are not a girl! YOU are a MOOOOM. So, where is your weenus?

Me: Ok, Moms and Girls do not have a PENIS. Just boys and dads.

Sam: Uh, yeah, you do have a weenus. Tell me where it is.

Me: No, I don't have a PENIS.

Sam: Yes, you do.

Me: No, I don't.

Sam: YES! YOU! DOOOO!

Me: I DON'T!!!

I realized this conversation could go on all day and I had to get to work. I chose to walk away and the little arguer can think what he wants about whether or not I have a weenus.

Which, I don't.

Hoping he does not repeat this at daycare,

Gabbi

Ahhh, Friday. That's much better.

2010-10-01T10:29:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else experience the Friday Phenomenon?

No matter how crappy the week, once Friday is here it all magically seems better and more tolerable. Things you could not have born on Tuesday turn into trivial little side trips to be laughed at and handled with ease.

People who the mere sound of their voice made you want to poke your own eyes out just in the hopes you might get sent home early, suddenly are just silly little creatures of God with cute little quirks.

I fricking LOVE Fridays.

We get to wear jeans at work, and for some reason I am so much more productive and happy whilst wearing jeans.

Friday Phenomenon, if only they could work something like that for Mondays...

Jeans on my butt,

Gabbi

UPDATE: Not so much

2010-09-29T09:06:00.003-05:00

HALT

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

We have discussed this before, the pitfalls to avoid. Currently I am LT. Lonely and Tired.

And slightly martyrish aaaand slightly feeling a little self pity aaaaand maybe a tidge desperate.

None of these feelings are very attractive, especially on me.

I have been feeling like I am living "the show", putting on the show for everyone and inside feeling like "oh crap".

These are my current worries:

my nephew keeps dodging mowing the lawn

my bathtub drain is draining slowly

my rug in my living room is gross

my laundry pile keeps growing

my phone is going to be shut off before I can pay the bill on Friday

I am out of diet root beer

I am as single as they come and really want someone to go see the changing leaves with (other than my kids)

In the grand scheme of things, none of these are that big of a deal.

Could I bug the crap out of my nephew to get the lawn mowed? Yep.

Could I take the 5 minutes to unclog the hair from the drain? Yep.

Could I power wash my living room rug? Yep.

Could I throw in a load of laundry? Yep.

Could I live without a phone for ONE DAY? Yep.

Could I scrounge up the money for some diet root beer? Yep.

Could I go see the changing leaves with my kids and enjoy it? Yep.

But, right now I want to wallow a bit. So, I am going to allow myself a good sulk and then get over myself and get my crap done.

UPDATE:
Thinking back over this post, I realized that really I just want a boyfriend to mow the lawn, unclog the drain, motivate me to power wash the rug, Have someone I want to wear clean clothes for, come to my house to visit while my phone is shut off, and when he comes to visit he brings me diet root beer and takes me for a long drive to see the beautiful fall leaves.

Is this so much to ask for?

As my nieces say "Put on your big girl panties and get over it"

Big Girls Don't Cry,

Gabbi

Attention!

2010-09-23T09:51:00.004-05:00

I am adding a new feature that my blog when updated can be emailed to you. That way you dont have to check back and play Blog Roulette, unless you like that kind of high stakes play...LOL

If you want an email update, post a comment or email me!

New crap all the time,

Gabbi

Confessions

2010-09-23T09:06:00.003-05:00

Last night I watched TWO HOURS of grown up TV...and loved it.

All the while,

3 huge baskets of laundry sat next to the laundry room begging to be washed

4 baskets of laundry wrinkled in onto themselves waiting to be folded

Countless toys sprawled on my bedroom floor hoping to be placed in their cubbies

BUT, I did manage to force my daughter to load the dishwasher, so at least that is done....who knows if the dishwasher was ever started. Is anyone really keeping track?!?!

On the positive note: my flannel PJ's saw some good wear time, I enjoyed grown up TV while Sam played with his Dad downstairs and (mostly) left me to my "stories" and I enjoyed the comfort of my bed, and built a big old fire (all by myself) in my bedroom fireplace.

All in all, it was a productive night.

On deck for tonight: Laundry! Not because I am trying to conform to anyone's laundry expectations, but because I am wearing my last pair of undies.

Not going COMMANDO,

Gabbi

Twice this week

2010-09-22T12:41:00.003-05:00

Twice this week I have worn clothing from my own closet that have not seen the light of day since Grace, my almost 12 year old, had been toddling around in diapers.

Twice this week I have celebrated my new clothing finds, and am amazed that my sense of style has transcended all these years and seasons and trends.

Twice this week I have fist pumped my own self for losing 42 pounds.

Twice this week I have danced around my closet, out into my bedroom celebrating my new body.

Twice this week I have owned my mistakes, admitted them openly to those I offended, apologized, and moved right on.

Twice this week I have fought viciously with my tween daughter and in the same breath have loved her so fiercely that it has brought tears to my eyes.

Twice this week I have been comforted by my nieces and all of their wisdom and insight.

Twice this week I have felt disappointment and have not let it take me down, nope, not one little bit.

Twice this week I have avoided looking at the dishes piled in my sink and did not feel that it was a reflection on my character. They are just dishes...sheesh.

Twice this week I have felt sorry for myself for being broke.

Twice this week I have sat in awe at how blessed I am. Somehow gas money is gifted to me from a sister. Somehow Grace is blessed with an overabundance of jeans from another sister when I was not sure how I would afford to replace the ones she outgrew.

Twice this week I have felt gratitude for the life I have.

Twice this week I have opened bills and felt overjoyed that they are current. Not paid yet this month, but I only owe for one month. That means I am doing it and making it work.

Twice this week I was blessed with delicious food from unexpected places.

Twice this week I have watched my children sleep peacefully.

Twice this week I have planned how tonight I will watch TV from 8pm to 10 pm and it will be AWESOME!

Twice this week I have solved issues at work and felt a delicious sense of accomplishment.

Twice this week I have thought about consuming less caffeine and then ordered an Americano and rode the buzzzzzzz!

Twice this week I have had to turn down plans with friends due to plans with other friends already made.

Gosh DARN, does it get any better?!?!

Gabbi

Men, Pay attention: Worst pick up line EVER...

2010-09-20T09:45:00.003-05:00

"How do you feel about Jesus?"

Followed up with:

"I read the bible every day. That turns most women off, what does it do for you?"

Especially when you have had to much to drink

Especially when you are invading the other person's personal space

Especially when you are obviously scaring the hell out of the person you are saying it to.

Just sayin',

Gabbi

I know, I know

2010-09-15T10:26:00.002-05:00

It has been a while. But, a lot goes on in these first few weeks of the back to school routine. Including major TWEEN QUEEN meltdowns, such as this one:

On Saturday had to work from 8 to 12, so the plan for the day was this:

I go to work,

Grace does 3 chores (take out garbage, clean her mess in the living room and unload/load the dishwasher

Grace walks to Middle School park, hooks up with the Meyers (Matt’s girlfriends huge family and help work the booth they hosted)

At 1:00 Grace goes to the 4-H booth at the middle school park and works her 30 minute shift there

Then FREE TIME! And I should be home, and we were going to hook up with Auntie Suzie and Brian for a couple of hours, get ready and go to a birthday party!

Woot woot

This is how it ACTUALLY WENT DOWN

Grace left her cell phone at my sister's shop on Friday night; which leads us into full meltdown Saturday morning because she doesn’t have a phone, I say no biggie, take mine, BUT then I need you to check in with me either before or after your shift at the 4-H booth because I wont have a phone. Before or after doesn’t matter because it is only a half hour.

I get home,the chores are NOT DONE and no Grace.

I wait until 2:15, no Grace.

I go to the Meyer’s and use Matt’s phone to call her. Right to voicemail.

GRRRR
Talk to the Meyer’s, she never worked with them.

GRRRR

Called the 4-H person, Grace showed up with Suzie at 1:45 (she was supposed to be there at 1) and it was already over so they sent her on her way.

BIG GRRRRRRRRRR

I called my phone a few more times, straight to VM. I don’t have Suzies number because I DON’T HAVE MY PHONE! And no one else has it either.

BIGGER GRRRRRRRR

At 5:30, I decide to check the house one more time, and there is Grace, all happy and relaxed sitting in the messy living room she was supposed to clean and says “Hey, your phone is dead.”

I wanted to knock her down. Instead I calmly say:

Me: “You didn’t do your chores.”

Grace: well, I umm

Me: You didn’t show up at the Meyer’s booth (picture of calm)

Grace: panicking, I didn’t know what to do! I was all alone

Me: you showed up for 4H 45 minutes late and it was already over (cool as a cucumber)

Grace: I was all alone and didn’t know what to do (screaming and crying at this point, I can only hope from the guilt)

Me: well, that sucks, because today was all about you and being responsible, I am so disappointed in you. You had the phone, you could have called someone. (Still holding it together)

Grace: I DIDN’T KNOW WHO TO CALL…WAIL WAIL, SCREECH, PULLING HER OWN HAIR

Me: don’t even try to pull this crap Grace, you knew the plan, you knew what you had to do and you blew all of it off to go hang with Suzie. (Calm calm calm)

GRACE:!!!!!!!!!!!AUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRYING, GNASHING OF TEETH, CRAZED PACING

Me: Whatever, get it together, be mad at yourself. There is a punishment for your total carelessness, I just haven’t thought of a cruel enough one yet. Give me some time, it’s going to be a good one. You have one hour to do your chores, and I will be back and they better be done.

GRACE!!!!!: RUNNING SCREAMING AND PULLING HER HAIR FROM THE ROOM TO THROW HERSELF ON THE COUCH

Me: ONE HOUR!!!

Then I went to my moms, tried to keep myself from driving my car straight into the house from total aggravation. So, I ended up having to go and get her phone from River Falls, because I worked at the Y all day Sunday and I couldn't leave her with no phone.

UGH! It just had me so mad and crabby.

So I visited with my sisters and Sam while Grace sat in the car, by herself for a LONG LONG TIME.

And by the way, I am not exaggerating when I say she was pulling her own hair and screaming and pacing and throwing herself on the couch. She actually did all those things. She was like a wild animal, it was kind of hilarious and disturbing all at the same time.

Thankfully, we are now into the routine and over the crabby tiredness that comes from a shift in the way things go at our house.

Sighing with Relief,

Gabbi

Best Birthday Gift

2010-09-02T10:47:00.003-05:00

The best birthday gift I have ever received came to me on Caribou Coffee napkin with instructions pre-printed on it directing the user to "write a really, really short novel" with lines printed below.

This is what it said:

The Gabbi is Cool Story

Gabbi was an awesome, beautiful chick who was having a BIRTHDAY. She was 34 years old, which was strange because she looked much younger! She was, however, mature beyond her years.

On this birthday, Gabbi decided not to settle for an ugly rich guy who she didn't love. She knew she was awesome just the way she was, and that the perfect, hot, rich, loveable guy would come along at just the right time. And she lived happily ever after.

-The End and The Beginning

By: Bethany

Could I possibly be anymore blessed?

A Novella unto myself,

Gabbi

Tonight at Midnight

2010-08-31T12:09:00.003-05:00

The bell will toll, and I will go from fun loving single to...

SPINSTER!

I will hit the ripe old age of 34 and never married.

So, if you have any cats that need a home or any unicorn figurines, feel free to send them my way. Tonight I will prepare a special shelf for my new figurine collection, and for my birthday bags of Meow Mix would probably be a good idea.

SIGH

Well, at least now I can accept my Spinster-ness and not have to worry about dating anymore or finding "the one" or even finding Mr. Right Now.

Or, to be more accurate Mr. Well That Was Stupid or Mr. Boy, Will My Mom be Disappointed in Me, or Mr. WTF???

My favorite is Mr. Boy, Will My Mom be Disappointed in Me. Those are always the fun ones...LOL

Yesterday, I had a moment of feeling "grown-up ness" For a second I was all "Hey, this is cool....oh shit, knock it off!" I dont want to feel grown up. I want to feel young and fun and like how can I possibly be in charge of all these people in my house, when did I get a house, and a yard and BILLS?!?!

Suddenly I am to old to go to First Avenue and just dance to the pulsing music, close my eyes and forget it all.

I am at an in between age, where I am to old to do the things that helped me "let go" in my youth, but to old to do it and be a hip oldster.

When I have grandkids, I will be the coolest grandma around.

But for now, I am an old, bill paying, bossing my kids, work attending, sensible shoe wearing un-hip middle ager desperately clinging to my Gabbi-ness.

Although, I am almost 34 and still attempting to defy my mother with my choice of men. Maybe I am not so grown up after all.

Young at Heart,

Gabbi

Swirling

2010-08-19T10:23:00.003-05:00

I have lots of things swirling around me right now. Lots of emotions and questions.

Been dealing with lots of old emotional hurts. I did my 4th step, which as we discussed before is a "fearless and searching moral inventory". Basically, it is getting rid of all old resentments and then inventory-ing the good things about yourself.

I thought I finished my resentment portion, and was working on acknowledging my assets when I was slammed by loneliness.

Bitter aching loneliness. I just wanted a body next to me to watch a movie on the couch (or so I told myself) Not a boyfriend, just a friend. I wanted some companionship, male companionship and not for anything more than a hug and a good visit. I felt so sad and alone. I ached for someone else...to just BE THERE. I even debated calling the ex, but I knew that would lead to nothing good. At least I had enough sense there.

Again, I was thinking about my 20 minute rundown of my life (which is next Tuesday!), and I came across a small, but crucial, tidbit that I had overlooked in my fourth step resentments.

Tom and Shirley.

Ahhh, Tom and Shirley, I loved them as fiercely as a small child could, which is pretty amazing. Tom and Shirley were an older, childless couple who cared for my sisters and I. Shirley was so awesome! She would sit on the floor with me and play Old Maid all day, she gave me whopper kisses (raspberries on the neck), chocolate pudding and cuddles cuddles cuddles.

Tom was great to, he read to us and always had a mint or some kind of candy in his pocket for us.

They thoroughly enjoyed us girls.

Shirley babysat me while my mom worked cleaning houses and such. I cherished going to her house, it was a regular part of my life that I loved so much. Just seeing Tom and Shirley my heart would soar right out of my chest. I always wanted to sit on their laps and be with them. I remember the feeling of elation at seeing them and running to them as fast as my little legs could carry me. They were mine!

One day, we no longer saw Tom and Shirley.

Just like that.

Done gone over.

I still cry thinking about that. The heartache it brings back is intense.

As an adult, I am not exactly sure what happened or why we stopped seeing them. I am sure it it some kind of fucked up sordid tale that I never really want to know, or else it is something stupid, and then I REALLY REALLY don't want to know. Because that was bitter painful and to know it was over something stupid, would be even more hurtful.

To this day, even through my stuff with Marie, as betrayed and angry as I was that her and Ted were together, I did not stop Grace from seeing Marie. Marie was a huge part of our lives, we spent a lot of time together. Grace loved her and I was not going to let my stuff get in the way of their relationship. I would not force Grace to experience anymore loss than she already had. Most people did not understand that, but I think back to my loss of Tom and Shirley and I will never knowingly do that to my children.

So, thinking about Tom and Shirley was super painful to me, and I realized I had left them out of my 4th step resentments. I think that is why I was feeling such aching loneliness. I had to go back and finish that up.

It was the last of the hurts stored in my heart, and it was not going to let me forget about it. My loneliness was feelings of loss and being abandoned and unloved. For a minute, I started to fill that loss with garbage (aka relationships with men who are NO GOOD FOR ME!), but thought better of it because I really had no idea why I was feeling that way. Then it hit me, what I was really grieving: Tom and Shirley.

I returned to my 4th step resentments and added the loss of Tom and Shirley. I cried and felt shitty for the evening. But then upon waking up the next morning, the loneliness had abated.

I had dealt with my old hurt and now it had left me in peace.

For now, my 4th step is on hold for a few days, I am wating to see if any more "mystery feelings" crop up. I need to be sure that my heart is a clean and free of old hurts before I can fully move on. Let me tell you, the next time I fall in love, I want a fresh healed heart to hand over.

Tough Cookie,

Gabbi

Tough

2010-08-09T16:00:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks it has been tough to find topics to write about that are safe and pleasing and humorous, and yet still true to my life.

I have decided to scrap that idea, and just say what things are.

The last few weeks I have been working on the 4th step in my program.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory.

Anyone who has ever done a 4th step, knows this is a tough one. It is the time when a lot of people bow out of their programs and decide to go their own way. Myself included. When I was in Alanon, the 4th step had me running.

Thankfully, I am finally ready and not so afraid of what I will find. The words searching, fearless and moral still scare the crap out of me.

I am almost done with the 4th step and to be honest, I have not been thrilled with what I have seen. Selfish, demanding, unforgiving. Yep, that is all in there inside of me. For the moment.

In the process of my 4th step, not sure if this is conincidence or divine leadership, but there was an opening for a speaker at my meeting. I signed up.

I have 20 minutes to give my life run down.

If that isn't overwhelming.

I have been thinking about this a lot and about the contents of my life.

The one thing I discovered that has been freeing and beautiful is that I always thought I was made up of all the stories that are my life and childhood.

My childhood, was not great, and in looking back I always felt like there were all these awful terrible blobs that made up my life, and if you lumped all those blobs together, well, then you got me.

I thought I WAS all those blobs of awfulness, that the fiber of my being was made of this terribleness. How could that possibly be loveable or deserving or worthy of anything other than more blobs of awfulness?

I have realized that I am not made of blobs of awfulness.

I'm not.

I am just Gabbi. Just enough as I am.

As my mind and heart and soul let go of these blobs of awfulness, physical blobs of me are also dropping away, in the form of pounds.

Finally, I can let go. I can let go of the pain and shame that I grew up with and know, these experiences do not define me. Most of them, have not a darn thing to do with me, I just happened to be standing there.

Just Gabbi, is more than enough.

That feels good,

Gabbi

Thankful

2010-07-28T16:52:00.004-05:00

Positive Attitude

Giving spirit

Borrowed Books

Handmade jewelry

Burned CD's

Pants that are WAY to big

My lawn getting mowed

Yogurt and graham crackers for a snack

Fun plans for my birthday (it is never to early) can we say BURLESQUE SHOW???

A good friend coming to town (love ya Adam)

Awesome lunch plans at a new restaurant, with said friend

Hitting goal at work

Extra hours!

Waking up on time (this one doesn't happen often enough)

Progress, Baby!

Feeling empowered, emboldened and brazen

Gas money!

Horrifying Lisa with the crap I put on my blog

Alot to be thankful for,

Gabbi

I am

2010-07-23T09:57:00.002-05:00

The little engine that could

The turtle who wins the race

The underdog that you should never underestimate

In spite of it all,

Gabbi

Trying NOT to be disappointed

2010-07-23T09:13:00.002-05:00

My weigh in today was less than spectacular.

I did lose 4 pounds, which I am trying to say is AWESOME! But there is no enthusiasm behind that. Especially when I measured and I have gained inches everywhere! Except my chest and my neck, there I lost inches.

I know that working out I am replacing muscle with fat, but STILL, it blows. I want to be skinny today.

The upside is that I have no desire to go off my food plan or to stop exercising.

That is a beautiful thing.

Keepin' on keepin' on,

Gabbi

Adventure Time...Uh OH

2010-07-22T12:28:00.002-05:00

It is about that time again, when I embark on finding a new adventure!

I have a few possibilities in the running:

Lily's Burlesque Review at Bryant Lake Bowl

Minneapolis Farmers Market

Minnesota Museum of Art

Eclipse Records live show

I have four to choose from. Pretty good selection.

The burlesque review is probably a slim possibility just because I cannot think of any friend who would like to go see it with me. You don't want to bring a male friend because that would be really uncomfortable. Picture: tassles on boobies, me trying not to make any physical contact, even an accidental elbow bump...GASP!..nervous laughter. No way, not my scene. I want to go, relax, full of baudy laughter and self confidence. Enjoy a good show and be comfy with my sexuality. Because just like everyone poops, pretty much everyone has sex. Sometimes.

Bringing a female friend would be much better, a lot less pressure. But, as I said before, not sure any of my female friends would want to go and laugh baudily with me.

The other three are distinctly within the realm of reason. Now I need time, money and a companion.

Guess I had better work on those three. Fortunately, my wanderlust is not so strong right now, just a slight tug at my heartstrings. Soon enough the desire will grow and grow until I ABSOLUTELY MUST DO SOMETHING WELL OUTSIDE OF MY CONFORT ZONE or SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE!

I love those adventures. They turn into the best stories.

Thinkin' and plannin',

Gabbi

Familiar Place

2010-07-21T12:37:00.004-05:00

Yet again I find myself in this familiar place of singleness. Except this time, it feels right. The last time I was here, I had such gut-wrneching loss and my heart was shattered to bits. I truly was a shadow of a person. Either hurtling through life, or totally stuck in misery. Hurtling or stuck; is no way live.

Today, I feel so much happiness and excitement. I know I am on the path that God wants me to be on. I am living His will instead of my own.

Trust me, my own will:

Sucks.

Since I am in such a good spot, I want to list all the things I am proud of:

My OA program
Sticking to my food plan (Friday is 90 days)
Exercising!
Letting go of the fear that I will not have enough
Making my bed everyday
My clothes are fitting better and some clothes are to big
My attitude is mostly positive
The kiddos are happy and content
I am managing all of my jobs in a way that I can feel good about
Got myself a Life Coach (she rocks! You can see her profile link on the right side of my blog)
I am reaching out to my friends when I am feeling yucky instead of eating or hiding
My house is mostly clean
There are NO DISHES IN MY SINK (Thanks Grace!)
I am mostly caught up on laundry

To me, these are all amazing feats. I know a big part of the positive changes in my life have to do with my life coach. She had me create a vision board, which I did and I loved doing!

Once I did the vision board, I made a major life leap. I decided to be single again. I realized that I was holding myself back from achieving all the things on my vision board.

Acceptance that I am not all powerful, and I cannot fix another human being is painful. But freeing. It has freed up my soul to take care of myself, and believe you me, I have a lot of fixing to do.

For years I have neglected my health, denied my food addiction, ate and hid from every feeling possible, and now I have to clean all of that up. I have made a pretty big mess in 33 years. But inside this mess, are some super amazing things and people, including....myself.

The road to recovery is a scary one. I am forced to have faith that things are just as they should be, as long as I feel peaceful and am doing my best to cause no harm. Also, I accept that the road to recovery, never ends. Thankfully the sights along the way are well worth never stopping.

My coach is always cheering me on, encouraging me to find what it is that I REALLY WANT, and then lets make a plan of action to help bring those things into my life. She keeps me focused on the good. She helps me to see what it is in my life that is already working and to treasure those things. She is a great mentor and I have adopted her motto of "Consistent and Persistent".

Since I have made a conscious effort to improve my life situation, I have been blessed with a multitude of people in my life who are all here to cheer me on. The most beautiful part of that, is that I have enough left over to cheer them on. I am no longer a black hole of need (well, I don't feel like I am anyways. LOL)

So, this is where I am at right now.

Tonight is Hip Hop Hustle and PiYo, and I cannot wait.

Bustin' a move,

Gabbi

Funny for the day: What are the sexiest animals on the farm?

Answer: Brown Chicken Brown Cow (Said in your best 70's porno music voice)

BWAHAHAHA

More on Hip Hop Hustle

2010-07-15T13:02:00.003-05:00

Ok, so the more I think about Hip Hop Hustle, the more I think what business do I have doing any kind of dance where I have to say "WORD" or do "The Crazy Leg"???

I mean seriously, when the word "WORD" first hit the scene, I was no where cool enough to say it. Much less now, as a chunky mom of two. Of course, it is much funnier now when I say it. It could be a humor thing less than a "cool" thing.

Word.

LOL

And why is the music so fast? I mean can't we go back to songs like Rappers Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang? That is way more my speed,

"Hip Hop Hippity Hippty hop hop"

or even Salt 'n' Pepa,

Let's Shoop. Or Pop, or do the Snake, heck, I can even do the Wop. Yes, The Wop! I might almost be willing to try break dancing, I could bring my own cardboard.

These dances are much more my speed than...ok, I admit, I dont even know what the songs or dances were, except Crazy Leg and Chicken Wing, oh yea, and Milk. See? I am old.

The more reasons I have to be humiliated and never show my chunky butt in that class, make me want to go back that much more. Instead of being discouraged, I am totally encouraged.

In a month or two, I will be able to say "WORD" I might even throw in a "to your Mother", whatever that means.

Of course, if I say it to Grace's friends they will think I am just telling them to "Say hi to your mom for me".

Even if my coolness doesn't register on their tween radar, I will know how cool I am.

So Stinkin Cool,

Gabbi

Shock-a-ree-roo

2010-07-15T09:34:00.002-05:00

Some discoveries have been made about myself.

Some are shocking, some not so much.

First truly shocking discovery: I like to exercise.

What?!?! Me?!?! Like to exercise??? Kidding, right?

Ummm, no. I like it, look forward to it and actually DO IT!

I have been trying different classes and not so shocking I have a favorite: PiYo.

After PiYo I feel strong and slimmer and tighter.

I also like fitness yoga and mat pilates.

Last night was my first foray into Hip Hop Hustle.

Oh geez. Did I mention I am so freaking white it is ridiculous (although I can keep a beat) and that I do not know my right and my left?

Not so shocking:

Hmmm, class was, ridculously hard for me.

Basically, I could do moves like shrug your shoulders, wave your arms.

The leg moves were so fast and had arms moves that went in time. I was totally lost. I ended up just jumping around a lot. When I didn't have any clue what dance move they were doing or it was way to fast for me, I just jumped around. I pretty much jumped around the whole time and when I felt really inspired, I threw my arms around too.

I felt all kinds of frustrated and embarrassed. Normally the mirror is not my friend. We have this relationship of tolerance. I know, you know, I don't really care for you but, there you are anyways, so fine.

Last night it was my enemy. I hated that mirror and I stayed way off to the side as much as possible to avoid the vision of my fat jiggling all over while I hopped around totally out of step and turning the wrong way.

I seriously felt like Chunk doing the Truffle Shuffle.

The. Truffle. Shuffle.

SIGH

I did laugh a lot during the class, more out of embarrassment than anything. I felt ashamed and ugly and gross.

Right then and there I decided:

I hate this fucking class. And next Wednesday, I will be right back in the class hating it so bad until I can do these stupid moves and they dont make me feel like Chunk.

Listen up Hip Hop Hustle, you have pissed me off and I will master you.

Ok, maybe not master, but I will get beyond the Truffle Shuffle stage.

Slightly ego bruised,

Gabbi

Random Tidbits

2010-07-14T11:21:00.002-05:00

Driving Grace to camp located deep, deep in Wisconsin, we saw:

A fence made of old bicycles

About 100 Pro Life Billboards

About 200 Taxidermy Billboards, interesting ratio

Wisconsin's Highest Point

A mailbox that was a huge revolver, as in, a gun

A huge fake ice cream cone

a hair salon called "Cool Noggins" we decided we would NEVER get our haircut there, just based on the name

a cow sniffing another cows butt (I had no idea cows sniffed each others butts. They do. I saw it.)

a pull behind camper that was hand painted turquoise with pink polka dots

Ari suddenly getting confused and thinking we were in Iowa. "Huh? Wait! We are in Iowa?!?!"

The decision was made that Grace cannot go to college in a town that has a Hardee's. UNLESS, they have a super cool Taco Bell/KFC combo restaurant. That makes up for having a Hardee's

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam decided to give our Chocolate Lab some water.

He filled 5 coffee cups of water and said "Go ahead Sugar. You can drink them now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam was trying to get Sugar to jump into his bed.

Sam: "Sugar! Up up and away!" While motioning with his arms for her to jump up.

Sugar just stared at him and turned and went back to her own bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I miss Grace!

Gabbi

5:30 AM is not the time for...anything

2010-07-07T13:20:00.003-05:00

Sam: Mama?

Me, one eye kind of open: Huh?

Sam: Mama, I am really thirsty.

Me, one eye kind of closing after I peek at the clock and see it is 5:30 AM!!!: Sam, it is not time to wake up yet.

Sam: But Mama, I am really thirsty.

Me, mumbly refusing to fully wake for this conversation: Go get some water from the sink in the bathroom.

Sam, starting to screech: NO! I don't want water!!!

Me: Then you aren't thirsty. (rolling to the other side)

Sam, totally screeching: Auuuuugh! I don't want water, it is DIARRHEA WATER!

Me, fully awake and quickly sitting up to look at him: WHAT?!?!

(side note: Knowing my son the way I do, this could mean there has been a major sewage catastrophe caused by my little bundle of all things wreckedness, or something slightly less dramatic, but we are talking Sam and it could very easily be the catastrophe)

Me, more than slightly panicking: What do you mean DIARRHEA WATER?

Sam totally matter of fact, while pointing his finger in my face: Mom, Grace told me it was diarrhea water. You know that.

Me: Heaving Sigh, Sam, it is NOT diarrhea water, they fixed that.

YES! I said "THEY. FIXED.THAT."

Side note: several weeks ago our City did a Boil Water Notice for some bacteria in the water. Grace and pretty much everyone in our house, I am ashamed to admit; myself included, called it diarrhea water. If you drank it, you got the shits. But they fixed that with lots of chlorine and now we call it pool water. Sam is way behind the times on this one, sheesh.

Sam: Nope, it is DIARRHEA WATER and I am not drinking it.

Me, exasperated: Then go back to bed, you shouldn't even be awake.

Sam way to compliantly went back to his room. Shoulda known right then something was coming.

I wake up several minutes later to water being coughed in my face.

Sam: COUGH COUGH, water spraying my face: SEE MOM! I told you it was DIARRHEA WATER!

He takes another drink, fake coughs some more, again sending spittles of water in my face.

Next time I will just get him a damn glass of milk, it would have been so much easier.

Yes, this really is my life,

Gabbi

So Right

2010-07-01T14:30:00.003-05:00

Today things have gone so right!!

Yesterday felt full of self doubt and confusion.

Today has been full of life affirming moments.

This morning I saw a girly at the gas station, she asked me where I got my nose ring and I was able to get her email to send her a link to Rock Your Nose on Etsy! I should have been a promoter.

I got a spirit rattle for a friend. I had to choose from four different ones and I felt drawn to one in particular for her, and I got another one for my mom. But, I brought them both and let my friend choose which one she felt more drawn to. She choose the one I had intended for her, and after she had chosen, she read the symbol on the front. It was the symbol for Dharma. Which was absolutely perfect because someone else in her life has been telling her to work on her Dharma.

I love it when things work that way.

I chose to be in a book club at work and the current book is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. One of the book club founders saw me, told me what the book was and where I could get a good deal on it, but it was a store where you needed a membership; which I do not have. Then she borrowed me her copy! Now I have good reading for the weekend.

Yesterday, I did not get out to the Y to work out.

Today, there is a yoga class at the Y that is at a time that works with my schedule, and with my motivation level!

Also, I am now over 30 followers on my blog! Thanks to everyone who has joined.

What a difference a day makes,

Gabbi

Downy dumps

2010-06-30T10:25:00.002-05:00

Today I am in the downy dumps.

Feeling a little bit defeated and I want to cry.

Must be PMS.

I did download a Biorythym thing onto my phone to try to track my moods. Or whatever it tracks.

Ugh, I am going to pull out of this.

You know it is bad when I woke up and am already plotting how I can skip working out tonight.

But I am not going to skip it. I am going to go!!!

Sigh,

Gabbi

Decision Time!

2010-06-29T09:50:00.004-05:00

I can only weigh myself every 30 days. I have weighed myself twice.

After 30 days I lost 8 pounds

After 60 days I lost 6 more pounds for a grand total of 14 pounds.

I am underwhelmed.

I weigh and measure EVERYTHING I EAT. I create a food plan every night and follow it the next day.

The scale is a lying bitch and I totally should have lost 40 pounds in the first week.

Alright, unrealistic expectations. This is classic Gabbi behavior.

UNTIL!!!

Bethany: You know, you can only lose 1.5 to 2 pounds a week of fat, anything more than that and you start losing muscle. Did you want to lose some muscle?

Hmmm, I kind of did.

Until I took a look at my arms.

I noticed my bicep is nice and hard and curvy muscular.

The bottom part, flabby hangy whip in the wind. As in, I could never ride a motorcycle with short sleeves on because my arm fat would be flapping so hard the momentum would knock me right off the bike.

Not that I have a motorcycle or even know how to ride one, but just like my dream of becoming a Roller Derby Chick, I also plan on being a Motorcycle Mama, with a helmet that has "Hot Mama" airbrushed on the back. (I like to be vivid and detailed in my rich fantasy life.)

Then came DECISION TIME:

Do I want to lose my hard muscular bicep

or

my underarm flaps?

Definitely the underarm flaps.

And honestly, 14 pounds of all fat gone, that is pretty damn awesome.

Yay ME,

Gabbi

Decision Time!

2010-06-29T09:50:00.001-05:00

PiYo

2010-06-28T12:27:00.002-05:00

Last night I attended my very first class at the YMCA. It is called PiYo. A fusion of Pilates and Yoga.

Picture: Fat Girl Trying to do Yoga. While laughing and trying to breathe and sweating profusely.

Me: You want me to put my leg through where?

I loved it.

I sweated my butt off, stretched and got a great workout, all while enjoying myself. Here is my story:

Sunday morning I got up early-ish, packed up the fam and headed to the MN Valley YMCA to work. The kids swam with Ted, well, not really WITH Ted because he forgot his swim trunks on the kitchen table. Ted actually sat on the side and pouted, I mean, watched the kiddos swim.

After, I was so tired, I went home and napped for an hour with Sam. Except that when I woke up Sam was not in bed, but was playing with his train table, naked, and my cell phone was missing. DAMMIT! How does this stuff happen?? And, more importantly, why are you naked??? Anyways, I found my phone, in his bed, fairly undamaged. Only 3 random blank texts had been sent and some new apps are on my home screen. The apps on the home screen is only mildly upsetting because I dont know how to do that myself and I wish Sam would show me how.

I whipped on some yoga pants, a sports bra (from the last time I decided to attempt some exercise, several years ago), tshirt, socks and tennis shoes. Grace told me:

Grace: Mom, you are going to be to hot.

Me: No I won't.

Grace: Yes, you will. If they cancel the class, work out anyways.

Me: Fine, BossyPants.

Grace: Do the 30 minute walk program.

Me (exasperated): OK!

Grace (suddenly the expert on all things working out-ish because she has been to the Y ONE TIME IN HER LIFE): Oh, and don't try to quit before the 30 minutes is up. I know you will try to cuz, I even wanted to when I did it. But DON'T. I will know if you did. You wont be as sweaty.

Me: Ohforcripessake.

Grace: NOT KIDDING!

Ted (not to be outdone): I am going to take a class and wreck all of you.

Me (sick of these people): I am sure you will.

Ted: I will, I am going to shred those machines. They never seen nothin like me.

Grace and I both roll our eyes. What a dumbass.

Anyways, I get to the Y, and I am super nervous. I have never done yoga or pilates, and here I am trying to do a fusion.

Ok, I really like the word fusion, it is so...mmmm, up and coming and trendy. Kind of like the Maxi Dress and Jeweled Sandals. Not that I can wear a Maxi Dress cuz I am whooping four feet tall, ok, I am more than four feet, but being short and wide, not becoming in a Maxi Dress. Back to the story.

So, I am all nervous, but willing to give it a go. I met the class instructor in the lobby and warned her, I am a newbie and not flexible and so I may very well hurt myself in her class. She laughs her skinny girl laugh, and says

Skinny fit instructor: just take it easy, you will be fine. All the moves can be modified, and trust me, I am still new at this and not very flexible either.

Me: (In my head: Yea right toned muscular arm girl, I don't even want to hear "I am not flexible." Lies, all lies.)

Me Out loud: Ok, thanks.

I fake-confidently walked into the studio and stopped dead in my tracks. One whole wall is mirrors.

Mirrors!!!!

We have to FACE the mirrors.

So, not only do I get to feel all ridiculous and unflexible, I get to SEE how ridiculous and unflexible I am.

I grab a mat, and try to find a spot that could at least partially block my view of myself in the mirrors. Since there were only 3 other people in class besides myself, no such luck. I get a nice full on view of myself, chubbed out, wearing my to-hot outfit.

We get started and since the class is only 40 minutes, I convince myself I can do anything for 40 minutes. Maybe not anything, but certainly this class.

We do some stretching, not so bad, we do some curtsy lunges, which, although confusing at first, I quickly got the hang of and felt kind of proud of myself.

A few minutes later I am sweating profusely and trying to do something called "Thread the Needle". Oh dear God.

Then comes some kind of squat ass burning leg shaking thing. Names are unnecessary at this point, I will just start calling things by the pain they are causing me.

Skinny instructor: Ok, now I want you to squat and thread your right leg through to a side straddle ....

then all I heard was blah blah blah leg through, jump, squat, twist yourself into a figure eight and smile.

Ok, that last part she didn't really say, that is just how I felt.

BUT, through the whole class, I found myself smiling and laughing and able to do a lot more than I expected to.

Sunflower: I can do that

Arm Circles: I can do that

Leg Scissors side to side: I can do that a little tiny bit

Curtsy lunge, did I mention I was pretty ok at those?

I sweat so much I couldn't believe it, and the knot in my back...gone.

My face: bright red, hair: sweaty, Me: out of breath, and so DAMN HAPPY!

I had a good conversation with the instructor afterwards and I realized they really are there to help you progress and do more and feel more confortable in your own skin. I saw her as my partner and not just some woman whose body I covet.

Today I am sore in a good way. If I sit at my desk to long, I can feel my muscles atrophying (whatever that word is). Sore in a way that four Tylenols and periodic stretching throughout the day can handle.

I am looking forward to class on Wednesday. I am WAY looking forward to being in class, sweaty and out of breath, but more flexible and able to do the harder moves. Healthier and happier!

PiYo's Bitch,

Gabbi

Resentments

2010-06-25T10:39:00.002-05:00

A wise woman told me:

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

This week, I have been poisoning myself over and over; waiting for other people to feel the pain and change.

Guess what? They didn't feel the pain and they sure as heck didn't change.

For some reason, my silent (or not so silent) seething is non-effective.

Hmph, who knew?

I have dove headlong into major self improvements; working my food program, taking on 2nd and 3rd jobs that all take into account my family and allow me to still be with them while I work; meeting with a life coach to help get me re-focused and energized at my primary job; exercising more; talking shit less (not that I am successful at that one).

All these things make me feel good and I know I am on the right path.

BUT, there is this small (sometimes not so small) niggling that maybe OTHER PEOPLE should be working on their stuff too. And I am pissed that I seem to be the only one on this path to self improvement.

WHAT THE HELL?

Serious resentment steps in. Resentment is eating away at me and slowly poisoning me. Causing me emotional turmoil and physical anxiety. My Wise Woman told me to pray for the people I am feeling resentment towards, pray for all the good things in life to come to them, pray for their happiness, and their peace and security. All the things I want for myself, pray for them to have those things too. Even if it is not sincere, pray for sincerity and pray for them, at some point, sincerity will come. So, I have been praying for people to have all the things I want in my own life, with one caveat: ME FIRST!

Sigh

Maybe that is not exactly on target, but I gotta be me.

This morning I vented to a dear friend and within a few minutes I felt some relief. The relief also could have been because I sneezed and farted at the same time, but I am going to go with the venting.

After I let it all out in email and then re-read it. Ahhhh, much better. It is out of my head.

While basking in the glow of a good purge of negativity, I had the thought that

"All of the good things I am doing are for ME. I am improving myself for ME. Not to change or regulate anyone else, but to feel better about ME. To know my side of the street is clean and I am doing all that I can to live a good life, for myself and for my children. I can only improve or regulate myself. "

I am only responsible for me.

That is beautiful.

I can live with that.

Shining so brightly,

Gabbi

Sometimes I Lie

2010-06-18T14:49:00.001-05:00

Me: Grace, did you put the dishes away?

Grace: Yes, MOM

Me: Are you sure?

Grace: YES! GAWD!

Me: Swear to God?

Grace: YES! URGH!

Me: Maybe you should double check.

Grace: FINE!

Me: Wait. Do you realize you just swore to GOD you put the dishes away, but you haven't?

Pause, pause....

Grace: I can't help it, sometimes I lie.

Me too,

Gabbi

Do not try this at home...wait, DO try this at home

2010-06-16T13:40:00.003-05:00

I am in the midst of trying to change my behavior from self destructive and dysfunctional to healthy.

Yeesh

In the last two days I have learned that so many of my reactions are absolutely automatic, almost as if I am programmed to stay in this cycle of dysfunction.

Growing up there was a lot of shame, guilt, secrecy and a little bitterness (just for fun) all swirled together. As an adult, I have tried to make a conscious effort to be open and honest about life with my children and with others in my life. I have found I do a much better job of this with my friends than I do my family.

With my family, I have confined myself to the hard and fast rules of our family dynamic.

No one rocks the boat.
Don't say anything upsetting.
If you have something upsetting to say, shut the hell up and keep it to yourself.
Keep the peace at all cost.
Don't tell anyone how you really feel until you have sworn them to secrecy.
If you feel bad, that is your own fault.

I didn't realize that the family dynamic is not set in stone.

At anytime I can change my reactions and change the tone of our family dynamic.

But going through this is scary. I don't want to be the one who rocks the boat, and says her feelings out loud and be the one who refuses to live free of shame and guilt.

Oh wait!

I DO want to be that person. She sounds pretty cool and quite possibly HAPPY?!?!

So, right now I am scared, and I am rocking the boat and I am saying how I feel and I am refusing to live with shame and guilt. They are no longer my bedfellows.

I am not sure how this all works. How do you say how you feel without hurting other people? And if other people are entitled to their feelings, then why am I not entitled to have feelings?

I am entitled to have feelings.

I think the biggest realization that I have made is that, no one else tells me I cannot have feelings or say them.

I do that to myself.

Learning new ways to do things is tough stuff, but I am so glad and thankful to be on this journey.

A whole new gal,

Gabbi

Confessions of a Crabby Bitch

2010-06-14T15:06:00.002-05:00

Upon waking Saturday morning, I discovered I was nothing but pure evil.

Poor Ted, I thrashed him heartily right up until I stomped out of the house for a good dose of retail therapy.

Confession of a crabby bitch: I don't really feel sorry for Ted. Man up.

I packed up the kids and headed out to the MOA for some Old Navy $2 tank tops.

Big mistake. MOA had some kind of event going on and it was packed. We parked on the 7th level...and trudged to the elevators to get in the mall. Stopped in Bloomies to use their restroom. Note: when shopping, go into the nice stores to use the facilities. I promise a lovely potty experience.

Foolishly, I stopped in at the jewelry store to dream.

Confessions of a crabby bitch: The jewelry store leads to the "Woes me, I will never get married" train of thought. Never a good ride.

Eventually, we hit Old Navy. There were like 3 tank tops left and two unkempt women fighting over them. Have 'em, I am just not that committed to a $2 tank top.

I discovered that Old Navy at MOA no longer carries plus size clothing. Bastards.

Confession of a crabby bitch: I hit the maternity section and bought two super cute shirts. Upon arriving home, I promptly cut all the tags out, thereby removing any shame.

After Old Navy, Grace indulged in our MOA tradition of a Godiva chocolate.

Confessions of a crabby bitch: Fuck Godiva for looking so wonderously delicious, knowing full well I am not eating sugar and I have my period. BITCH

At this point, I was done. The MOA had her way with me and I gave up. Just to make it fun, the elevator in the parking ramp was broken and so the kids and I (with stroller in tow) had to trudge up 4 levels of stairs to get back to our vehicle.

Confessions of a crabby bitch: I was hot and sweaty and ready to cry.

Quick stop at Target, new skirt, new sandals, a toy for Sam and a new book for Grace.

Did I mention the skirt I bought was a full size smaller thatn I normally wear?

Aaaah, much better.

During my shopping trials, I did see the error of my ways. Apologies all around and I was much more pleasant to live with.

Confessional over,

Gabbi

Ego

2010-06-10T13:17:00.003-05:00

Recently, I have had my eyes opened to my own big fat EGO.

It is NOT selfless to want everyone to be happy.

Case and Point:

Ted spent the weekend at his moms due to some obligations he had to fulfill and his brother was in town, and since his car is broken, driving back and forth, was not really an option. ENJOY!

I fully expected him to come home happy and relaxed.

He didn't.

In fact, he was tense and pissy.

I ask him why he was upset.

He said he was just crabby.

I asked why.

He said he just was.

I badgered him until he finally said:

"It sucks not having a car and being on other people's schedules. Plus not working really bums me out."

I get that, but are any of those things MY FAULT?? No, so stop being a crab. here are all the reasons why you should not be a crab...blah blah, harass, badger, poke.

For some reason, my explanations, badgering, harassing and poking only made him madder.

Crazy, right?!?!

Hmmm, when I am crabby, for any reason, real or imagined, I just want to be crabby and be left alone.

Did I allow Ted the right to have his feelings? Nope. I tried to force him to conform to WHAT I WANTED him to feel.

Hello, Ego. How are you today?

Of course, it took some talking to a couple of sponsors to sort out the fact that this is not Ted's issue, it is mine. Believe me, I did not come to this conclusion all on my own.

If I had just allowed Ted his time to be upset and bummed out about some legitimate things that are going on in his life, it wouldn't have been anything to talk (blog) about.

So, I guess, there is a reason for my Ego-liciousness.

All About ME,

Gabbi

Oh dear.

2010-06-01T16:38:00.002-05:00

Just to continue with the oddities that occur in my household...

Sunday morning Ted let me sleep in...oh heaven. Upon waking this is the conversation that takes place:

Ted: You should ask your son what he did this morning.

Me (knowing full well it can be nothing good by his use of the phrase YOUR SON): Sam, what did you do today?

Sam (cheerily): I pooped outside.

Me (totally not expecting that): OH!

Sam (cheery and proud): Like a dog.

Me: Huh....well, ok.

Sam (very matter of factly): The dogs ate my poop.

Oh dear.

Monday I woke up to:

Sam: Mom, scootch over.

Me: Mumble mumble (while scootching)

Sam: Mom, your hair is ugly.

Me: Mmmm, thanks.

Sam: Mom, your breath smells bad.

Me: GET IN YOUR OWN DARN BED THEN! Geez, I wake up to the Peanut Gallery, what the hell, mumble mumble, swear a bit, flop over, flip the pillow and try to ignore the commentary.

And a bit later on Monday while sitting on the couch with Sam:

Sam: Mom, I love you just the way you are.

Me: Awww, Sam, I love you too, just the way you are.

Sometimes one little thing makes it all worth it,

Gabbi

I have a desperate desire...

2010-05-28T14:37:00.001-05:00

to CRAFT!

I wanna paint, and cut and paste, and glue and rub and color and sew and get my fingers dirty.

Doesn't that sound FUN?

Good thing I got a long weekend coming!

Craft-a-saurus Rex,

Gabbi

Conversations that take place in my house

2010-05-28T10:18:00.002-05:00

The other night Ted had taken a shower and flopped down on the bed. It had been a hot day in the sun for him and he promptly fell asleep. I was not paying attention and reading a book and half watching TV.

I happen to notice something out of the corner of my eye, and I look up just as Grace crosses the threshold into our room, stops, rolls her eyes, without saying a word does an about face and heads back downstairs.

I holler "Grace? What's up?" No answer. I have no idea what her deal is, until I look over and realize Ted has fallen asleep with no clothes on.

Oh geez! Poor Grace!

The next morning this is the conversation in my kitchen:

Me: Soooo, Grace, what was up last night?

Grace, rolls her eyes: Uhhh, GROSS!

Me laughing: Sorry about that honey. That WAS gross!

Ted, totally embarrassed but trying to salvage some sense of pride: That's just my trick to keep kids out of my room.

Grace: Trick? More like a weapon.

Me: You said it sister!

That has to be the worst to catch a step parent naked. GRODY!! Hope she isn't scarred for life.

Yuck-a-roo,

Gabbi

33 days and counting

2010-05-26T14:22:00.002-05:00

Day 33 update

I haven't exactly written to much about my new food venture and so I thought I would give an update.

I completed my first 30 days of following a food plan.

30 days of weighing and measuring ALL of my food.

30 days of calling my food in every night for the next day.

30 days of reading and journaling.

It sounds like so much work.

Sounds like.

What it has actually been is:

30 days of not worrying about what I am going to eat.

30 days of not constantly wanting to eat as much food as possible.

30 days of not constantly planning and replanning my food.

30 days of not bingeing.

30 days free of self loathing.

30 days free of my mind spinning.

30 days without guilt or shame over food choices.

30 days of feeling.

30 days of being fully present and not having my mind wander to what I am going to eat next and if I can eat it in front of the person I am with.

30 days of actually listening to conversations.

30 days of honoring myself.

30 days of saying "Screw them" when I worry about disapproval from "THEM".

30 days of healing on a three-fold level: physical, emotional and spiritual

During those 30 days I have gained:

peace

my mind

calm

self acceptance

the ability to ask for help

During those 30 days I have been relieved of:

insanity

fear

compulsion

obsession

8 pounds

Pretty good deal, if you ask me.

33 days!!!

Gabbi

P.S. If anyone wants more information on this program, let me know.

I need a reminder of what I am thankful for

2010-05-25T09:03:00.003-05:00

Things I am thankful for

Qwerty keyboards on cell phones

air conditioning in my car

the lovely smell of the new soap I bought

having a job

feeling hopeful

bolting out of bed at midnight thinking I screwed up at work and then realizing: I didn't!!!

ceiling fans

clementines

anti depressants

Graces new saying: Be About It

Being about it,

Gabbi

Do you ever wonder

2010-05-21T14:09:00.002-05:00

where certain feelings come from?

For example, yesterday was all about fear.

Today is all giddy excitement for the weekend.

Planned a trip to a new friends house, and a potential trip to Great Grandmas house.

I feel so happy and light! Wish I could save this feeling and take it out whenever I start to feel down.

Amazing things, these feelings. Nothing has changed since yesterday except how I feel. And man oh man, what a difference a feeling makes.

I would love to go dancing tonight. To a street dance, those are so fun! Twinkle lights, sloshing beer (none for me thanks), semi craptastic band, and mosquitoes...what could be better?!?!

Shake your groove thang,

Gabbi

Fear

2010-05-20T16:53:00.002-05:00

Fear has been an active feeling all throughout my day today.

If only, I had picked up my daily reading before the end of the day...

it said:

only your mind can produce fear

Only your mind can produce fear in your body. Your own fear comes from your own interpretation of a condition in your life.

You have power over all your fear.

Fear no longer owns me or is a threat to my day.

Wish I would have read that sooner. My day would have been a lot smoother if I could have let go of the fear of changes happening in my life.

I am afraid to let go, afraid to hold on, afraid to stand still.

I am afraid to let people down, to disappoint others, and most importantly, myself.

I am afraid I will have regrets. I want to do everything right and there is no way to know.

Guess I will keep on praying,

Gabbi

Magic Poop Dust

2010-05-17T08:52:00.002-05:00

My son Sam has had "poop issues". He has a hard time pooping, he holds it forever, cries and cries. It ususally takes him a full 24 hours of crying, cramping and holding until he finally poops. Believe me, it is miserable for EVERYONE!

I feel so sad for him. We have tried a bazillion different remedies:

fig bars
more water
more apple juice
raisins
prunes
laxatives
suppositories

I am sure there are more.

Awesome Sister Shelly who has been with me on this terrible poop journey, happens to talk to a friend at work about Sam's issue. (Yep, you know it is bad when family members are discussing it with random people, and you also know they are both MOMS!)

Her friend, Davina (I believe) tells her about a product called MiraLax. She said it helped one of her kids and she bets it will help Sam to.

Shelly picks up a jug of Miralax. She tells Sam it is Magic Poop Dust. I mix a small bit in his milk on Saturday and again on Sunday.

This morning, Sam jumps out of bed, and runs to the bathroom to pee. He pees, and looks at me and says:

Sam: I have to poop.

Promptly plops his cheeks down on the toilet, and....

POOPS

Oh miracle of miracles! He pooped! And while pooping, he looks up at me and says:

Sam: My poops are little.

I started to tear up a little. Magic Poop Dust WORKS!!!

Thank you Shelly and Davina!

BM's are awesome,

Gabbi

Things I am Thankful for

2010-05-14T16:24:00.003-05:00

it has been awhile...

Trader Joe's cuz Grace says she has a better chance of me letting her buy treats there

Grace asking me, "What is another word for _________?"

Sam using words like; hilarious, attitude, decision

dinners at my moms

an overabundance of clean undies

finding the dogs have NOT gotten into the garbage

casual fridays

free 3rd Sundays at the Childrens Museum

being broke, but oh so happy

talking with a friend who has known you your ENTIRE LIFE

having a dear friend tell me it was time to start "dating my friends"...again

the great park 1 block from my house

the excitement of not knowing what the plants are that we just planted, it is a "Mystery Garden"

my yard looks pretty ok

having plans for the future

feeling anticipation

being willing to shut my darn phone off, just because I have a phone, does not mean I have to answer it

watching Sam eat a clementine; sucking the juice out, and then throwing the rest to Sugar the Dog who catches it mid-air, who knew dogs like clementines?

Sam telling me to "put a lid" on his sandwich (the "lid" is just the other piece of bread)

my mom saying she is proud of me

Not one dish in the sink! OHDEARGODINHEAVEN...I love that!

the library

being able to relax enough to enjoy....whatever

XOXOXO,

Gabbi

Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun

2010-05-14T12:48:00.002-05:00

Feeling the sunshine on my skin today has rejuvenated me! This week has been full of stress, home life, work life, life life...all of it, stressful!

But, today is Friday, the sun is shining, I am wearing jeans and all is right with the world.

Tomorrow maybe a garage sale day at my house. I have it all ready, it just needs to be set up outside. Maybe Grace and I will make some signs tonight.

Other than that, I am hanging out at the hacienda. I have some mini goals. Getting my upstairs bathroom scrubbed, and organize the shelves in the bathroom as well. And I have about 3 loads of laundry that I will be doing. YAY!

I am feeling refreshed and happy.

Today is my 21st day on my food plan. I feel so good and so proud. I cannot wait until day 30 when I can step on the scale. My clothes are fitting better and that feels fabulous!

Waitin' for the weekend,

Gabbi

Peaceful Decision Making

2010-05-11T10:10:00.002-05:00

I have discussed this before, not making decisions until I feel peaceful about them.

Lately, I have had some trust issues and haven't been sure what to do about them. We have also had some other things that have been happening at home that have left me feeling like Ted and I are on the verge of either a breakdown or a breakthrough.

I have felt that something is coming and I have no idea what or why or how and so I need to stand still. When the time comes, the right thing will happen. God will make sure I know.

The time came.

I realized that until Ted goes to AA his pain will bleed out onto myself, Grace and Sam. We cannot live that way. I desperately want for Ted to be happy. I am just not sure he can be happy with me. It makes me feel sad, but peaceful at the same time.

Ted is now staying with his mom. Not sure for how long, but I feel peaceful about the decision. He said it was for the weekend, so he can think about going to AA and to take some time to deal with his anger towards me for forcing the issue.

I realize I am forcing the issue, but ultimately, it is his choice what he wants to do and I love him either way.

This weekend I felt peaceful. Not walking on eggshells, not feeling defensive and angry. Just being.

When the time came, the words magically appeared and the calm of knowing we both need some time. I am asking a lot of him and sometimes it is hard to give. We are still on the verge and I am praying for a breakthrough. I love this man, but I cannot love him more than myself and my peace. I hope we can find our way.

I went to the library yesterday and checked out a codependency book. I hate the mirror it holds up in front of me. I hate reading some of the descriptions and seeing that they describe me well.

Much work is needed. I will continue to search my soul, root out the painful spots and try to be a happy, peaceful person who comes from love in all things.

Super tall order, kind of makes me laugh when I think about it.

Picture me: in flowing robes, glowing light emanating from my body saying "Bless you, my child"

The reality of me: hair in a ponytail, sometimes with makeup, more often not, the constant stains on my cleavage from food dropping, the small child finger marks on my shoulder and my pants leg, just trying to get the darn dishes done for once while trying to break up a cat/dog fight in the kitchen.

A work in progress, baby! A work in progress!

Keepin' on Keepin' on,

Gabbi

The "Before" photo

2010-05-07T12:35:00.004-05:00

I found my "Before" photo. Ugh. I won't even show it until I have and "After" picture. Well, maybe not an "After" picture, how about a "Well on her way" picture.

Lots of stuff has been going on this week.

Trust has been a big issue for me this week. Since Ted has moved back in, I am having a hard time with trust issues. Every time he is gone from the house for more than the allotted time I think he should be gone, I start to have crazy thoughts like this:

Self: Hmmm, what is taking him so long? Ahhh, probably talking to someone at the store.

5 minutes later

Self: Could he still be talking? Ooh, hope is not at "she who must not be named" 's house. Ok, chill out now. No big deal. We are talking 5 minutes.

5 minutes later

Self: Ok, what the heck could be going on. Maybe I should call? No, no, don't want to seem too suspicious. Maybe I should just drive past her house to see if his car is there. No, no no! That is crazy.

5 minutes later

Self: where the hell are my keys?!?!?! Maybe I should sneak a GPS onto his car? Hmmm, I know there is a program you can buy that will send all of his text messages to me also. Hmmmm.

Headlights in the driveway.

Self: Ooops! Never mind. (nervous laughter) I am so silly.

See? Trust issues. What kind of insane person am I if I am even willing to consider going to these lengths. That is all me and my insanity. Constantly trying to control and manipulate. I have asked God to remove this shortcoming from me, but so far, I still am a little crazy.

I suppose, I do have a lot of crazy in me, it might take God awhile to get it all gone.

We have also been dealing with parenting issues. I am much more laid back and Ted is much more the Taskmaster. We clash like crazy over this.

I hope there is a happy medium and we just haven't found it yet. Lots of couples go through this. It is just such a personal thing. These are our children and I want them to be happy and responsible people. Ted wants them to be happy and responsible people. So, if we both want the same end result, why do have such different views on how to get there?

We are trying to figure it out. Sometimes, I am so selfish and have thoughts like "It was easier when I was single". Which it was, but it was also much more overwhelming and frightening. I want to show my children that partners can have differences and work them out. Find a way to make it good for everyone. I realize there are some things we are just going to have to agree to disagree on, but that is SO HARD!

Again, I have been praying a lot about this. I have faith that we can work all of these issues out.

Today is my 14th day on my food plan. I am noticing all kinds of great things!

1. My skin has cleared up
2. I do not have crazy obsessive food thoughts
3. my pants are not as tight
4. my moods are so much better
5. I have a lot more energy

On the downside, or more accurately, the downside for this moment, but gonna be on the upside real soon, is that by not stuffing my feelings with food, I am having to actually deal with them.

That sucks!

It is so much easier to down a bag of Fritos than it is to say "Hey, I am mad." or "Hey, that hurts my feelings."

now I am having to say those things. Of course, since I am new at this, I am not quite so eloquent. I find myself saying or doing things such as this:

Me: FUCK YOU!

Me: You have GOT to be kidding! (In my head I add: Fucker)

Me: No, you can't just say that and walk away! Get back here, let's hash this out. (in my head I add: Motherfucker)

Me: FUCK YOU!

Me: OOOOH NO! Don't even start with me! (in my head I add: Asshole)

Or the classic: Silence, and the middle finger raised high

See, not nearly as classy as "My feelings are hurt." Although, I am making more of an effort not to swear. Fudge, has been a good word lately.

Dealing with real feelings is hard work and I commend all the people out there who deal with them effectively.

All 2 of you....bwahahaha

Anyways, there has to be some healthy outlets, and I will find them. Hopefully, they won't involve (to many) swear words.

KISS MY GRITS,

Gabbi

Accountability

2010-04-29T10:06:00.003-05:00

Food accountability. That is where I am at. Having to be accountable for every food choice I make.

At first, this concept sounded like hell on earth. Seriously, no popping an unplanned morsel or yummy goodness into my mouth without a phone call first?!?!? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CRAP IS THAT? I will have no freedom, no spontanaeity, life will cease to be joyful.

No sugar??? You mean, no small sliver of cake to celebrate a birthday? No small piece of dark chocolate to soothe my PMS?

No wheat??? You mean, no piece of raisin toast in the morning? No half a tuna sandwich? No pita bread?

AUGHHHHHHH!

Alright, let's put this into my reality.

You mean, no 6 pieces of birthday cake when it is no one's birthday....well, anyone I know anyway.

You mean, no candy bar because it looked good at the gas station.

You mean, no raiding my kids easter/halloween/christmas candy bins and eating as much as I can legitimately get away with, without them noticing.

You mean, no double cheeseburgers snuck at McDonalds. You mean, no sneaking a quick sammy before dinner. You mean, no entire box of crackers with cheese spread.

This is my reality. There is no control when it comes to food.

Food is emotion.

My best friend and my worst enemy.

Food to me is guilt and shame and self loathing in every bite, in every obsessive thought I harbor, in every binge, and in every new diet, in every time I try to starve myself.

Accountability.

I am on Day 6 of being accountable for my food.

In those 6 days, I have found freedom.

Yes, I make a food plan every evening for the next day. Yes, I call my sponsor and commit my food. Yes, if I need to make a change, even a healthy change, I call my sponsor BEFORE I do it. Yes, I follow a food plan that does not include sugar or wheat.

FREEDOM!

Freedom from having to associate food with guilt, shame and self loathing. If I follow my food plan, I have nothing to worry about. And I only have to follow my meal plan one meal at a time.

Emotion has been removed from food. Food is just food. It is not a comfort or pain, it is not love or hate. It is just food. Food on my list. I pack my breakfast and lunch the night before and then I can forget about it.

Taking emotion out of food has forced me to deal with other issues in my life. Before, I would just eat through them. Now, I have to do some work, and be responsible for my actions, and take ownership of my issues. Now, I have to ask my Higher Power to show me HIS will for me, not my own.

Freedom and Responsibility.

Those are what I have gained.

I have some fears that this is a honeymoon period and that one day this will seem like the hell I imagined it would be. But, I can only deal with right now, and right now is good.

Satisfied,

Gabbi

Word of the Day

2010-04-27T09:44:00.002-05:00

Awful-i-zing: making any situation as awful as possible, mostly in your mind or in the re-telling of.

I was told this is a real word, but I cannot find a definition for it in the dictionary. It is still a dang good word.

If awfulizing was a sport, I would be a world champion. I can make any small situation, a life changing catastrophe, in my mind.

Anything can mean the loss of my house, ruin a relationship, tear the world apart at the seams, and basically be the end of the world as we know it.

Until....someone talks me off the edge.

Yesterday, I was a woman on the edge.

Smartly, I called my sponsor and vented my fears and frustrations and anger. I took ownership of a small part of it, but not the anger part...that is ALWAYS someone else's fault.

My sponsor, said:

Sponsor: Is your side of the street clean?

Me: Well, yea, kind of.

Sponsor: Really? Explain how?

Me: Well, I made some bad choices, and now I am trying to fix them...but I don't feel like I am getting the help I need.

Sponsor: Whose problems are these?

Me: Mine.

Sponsor: Who can you control?

Me: Me.

Sponsor: Whose expectations are not being lived up to?

Me: Mine. (Damn her)

Sponsor: Ok, so, is your side of the street clean?

Me: No. I am trying to force my will onto other people.

I need to remember my serenity prayer, accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sponsor: Stop coming from fear and doubt. Come from love and you will be amazed at what you get.

What great advice: Stop coming from fear and doubt. So true. How much of our lives do we live in fear and doubt? How many of our relationships have been affected by fear and doubt? How much of our precious energy is squandered on fear and doubt?

I will focus my energy on coming from love. My problems are not insurmountable. I am a smart, resourceful woman, looking at my own side of street and doing my best to keep it clean.

How does your street look?

Street sweeper,

Gabbi

Lately

2010-04-23T11:14:00.002-05:00

For the last two days, I have had no issues with food.

I finished my time of the month about a week ago, and it seems that right around that time every month I receive a small respite from my food issues.

It is like the 3-4 days of sanity I am granted a month.

3-4 days.

So unfair.

I am trying to put together a food plan. Currently, the grocery supply in our house is lower than low. And a food plan without food, is a wee bit more difficult.

tonight I will be going to get some groceries and need to be mindful of my new food plan. The new food plan does not have wheat or sugar.

I am more afraid of no sugar than the wheat. How will I have my coffee in the morning? I always have it with cream and sugar. Alas, I will have to find another way.

Since I am in my few days of sanity, I figure my taste buds will adjust and it will be fine. I am so thankful I am sane at the moment, otherwise I am sure I would be crying.

Ted is totally onboard with the new food plan. He is making dinners and will adhere to the food plan also. He said he will "share my pain". Mmmm, thanks.

Am I having a sugar headache?,

Gabbi

Sweat Lodge

2010-04-22T09:01:00.002-05:00

Last night I went and did a Native American sweat.

Any fantasy (read: delusion) I had that I was a Native American Princess / Warrior Princess in a past life....dissipated like the smoke from the burning sweet grass.

Wendy and I arrived at the lodge and the lodge itself reminded me of a beaver dam. It was a small dome shape, not tall enough to stand up in, and probably twenty feet across. But I am guessing on the width, I really have no idea. From the inside, I could see the frame of the dome was made with branches tied together, moving blankets strapped on top and a canvas on top of that.

In the beginning, outside of the lodge, at the altar, they did a pipe lighting ceremony that was beautiful. There was singing and playing of drums, truly moving.

After lighting the pipes, everyone went to change clothes. Women must wear dresses that cover their legs, men usually just wear shorts and everyone brings a towel.

Entering the lodge, women enter first, men after. I walked/crouched formed a semicircle and sat cross legged on the ground which was covered with mats. In the center of the lodge was a small pit where they placed hot stones and a path from the pit out the door.

There were about 30 people in the lodge, and I will be honest, I started thinking about how bad this was going to smell...LOL, I know, so spiritual. But, I want to be honest about my thoughts, even if they are silly.

Once everyone was assembled, the leader spoke for awhile and encouraged all of us to pray. Pray for others, and for our servicemen and women, for the incarcerated and for those dealing with addictions, and especially for our earth. At this point, I thought a lot about my nephew who is currently incarcerated and how lonely he must feel. I prayed for him to have some comfort.

6 hot stones were brought in and sweet grass was burning along with, I believe pine, but I am not sure. At this point, the lodge started to heat up considerably. It was not uncomfortable though, the ground was nice and cool and the heat felt comforting. Pipes were brought in and passed. Some people smoked the pipes, and everyone touched the pipes to their shoulders while praying.

The whole scene was calming, performing the rituals was relaxing. I found it interesting that not knowing exactly why the rituals were done or what exactly was supposed to be happening, I still felt comforted and relaxed. Although, I did feel slightly like an interloper.

At some point, water was brought into the lodge, and the door to the lodge was closed.

I could not have imagined how complete the darkness would be.

To be truthful, I had no idea it would be dark. I guess in my mind, I pictured a teepee and lots of space, tall ceiling and fresh air moving through the room. I was super wrong.

The darkness made me think of being in the womb. I couldn't see anything. Nothing. Not even my own hand, there were no shadows, just darkness.

Then they sang a song and played drums to bless the water. The sound was amazing! The drums beating thumped through my chest. The singing resonated through my whole body. Truly a spiritual experience. During this time I prayed a lot. I prayed for God to be with me, to protect my nephew Johnny who is currently away from our family, I prayed for guidance and I felt heard.

And then came the turning point for me:

Water was poured on the hot stones.

Immediately, the temperature in the room got insanely hot. My body felt fine, but my lungs felt as though I were breathing in fire. I immediately put my towel over my mouth and tried to stay calm. My brain was on a combination of sensory overload from the heat in my lungs, the drums, the singing and the smoke, and yet, sensory deprived from the total and complete lack of light.

I started to panic, worrying I was not getting enough oxygen. Worrying that no one could see me if I got in trouble and if I did need to get out would that be disrespectful? At the beginning of the sweat, the leader had said, at any time that you need to leave, feel free to do so. So, I knew if I had to I could. But would I be brave enough to say I needed to go, or would I foolishly hold out?

The woman next to me through the Sweat had checked on me several times, making sure I was ok. During my panic she leaned next to me and asked how I was doing. I told her I was scared. She held my hand and said it would be ok, that this song was only about 2 minutes longer and if I could hold on then the door would open. I said ok, and held her hand. In my mind I kept saying, this is air, it is just hot air, it is ok. But my lungs felt like I was not getting enough air, and they were burning and my brain just couldn't calm down.

The song ended and the woman next to me yelled "DOOR!", nothing happened. The woman on the other side of me yelled "DOOR!" again, nothing happened, and I really started to panic, thinking they can't hear you to open the door. And then...the door was opened.

Whew! I felt immediately better. I thought, I can do this, I am ok.

But then, the door closed right away (ok, to me it felt right away) and more water was put on the stones and a song started.

And I freaked out. My head went insane. If I could have clawed a tunnel out of there, I would have. I just panicked. My lungs were on fire and the clausterphobia of being in this tiny space with 30 people made me lose my mind!

The lady next to me held my hand while I teetered on the edge. Finally the song ended, and I said "I gotta go." The woman, who was no longer a woman but an angel, said "You did great!"

I knew she was lying, but I had to leave the lodge. I felt a small bit of embarrassment, but I also felt I acknowledged the strength of the people who stayed in. And I felt proud that I honored my feelings and had the courage to speak up for myself.

The fresh cold air felt unbelievable. Breathing has never felt sooooo good. The fire keeper said to me, "You did pretty good. You lasted 45 minutes."

I had no idea it had been that long, it felt like a few minutes.

I went back to the rest room and changed. I waited outside of the lodge for the sweat to end. Enjoyed the fresh air, listened to the singing and the drumming coming from inside the lodge.

After awhile, the others came out of the lodge looking sweaty and satisfied. I was a little envious I could not manage to stay in the whole time. But everyone was very encouraging to me, telling me I did good, and to come back and try it again. It was sort of like when you are watching a sporting event and a player gets injured and everyone claps as they leave the field. That was me, limping away. Thankfully, only my pride was hurt.

We all feasted and the food was fabulous.

All in all, it was a great experience. I am thankful I had the opportunity to experience a sweat lodge. Will I do it again? I don't know, I will have to pray about it, and if it feels right, yes, I will do it again.

God's will, not mine,

Gabbi

Wow

2010-04-21T09:16:00.002-05:00

I went to the meeting last night, and it was less emotional for me than I thought it would be. I did get teary twice, but it was manageable. For anyone who knows me, I am the worst cry-er ever! My face gets all splotchy and red at the first sign of a tear. And then stays that way. Soooo embarrassing.

The program that I am committing to is strict. I will meet with a dietician/nutritionist and together we will develop a meal plan. I will then share my food plan with another person. Every day I will have a daily food plan and I need to call that in to this person. Every day. If during the day I need to make a change to my food plan, I need to call the other person first. Also, I need to make 3 other calls to other group members during the day. Every day. Did I mention you also have to weigh and measure all of your food? Every meal, every time, every day.

As I was listening to the basics, I wanted to run away. Well, actually, as I sat there, I was thinking:

Me: Ok, so if I commit to this, then tonight I had better go eat every kind of fast food I can think of, and some pizza. A double cheeseburger from McDonalds, definitely a large french fries and pizza. Could I eat a whole pizza? I bet I could. Never tried it, but I bet I could put down a whole pizza.

At that moment, it struck me (yet again) I am a FUCKING ADDICT! This is what drug addicts do before they go into treatment, they get really fucked up one last time before they commit.

I was in a meeting, planning a binge. Holy messed up-ness! My only saving grace: I am broke and so I couldn't go and binge on fast food. THANK GOODNESS!

It reinforced how much I need to be there, how much I need to commit and how much I need to stay in the moment and stick to one day at a time.

Working it,

Gabbi

Breakthrough / Synchronicity

2010-04-20T12:07:00.003-05:00

I watched the show Ruby for the first time this weekend and was very inspired.

For those not in the know, Ruby is a woman who weighed 700 + pounds. Currently, she has lost 400 pounds! This show is all about her journey, struggles and triumphs. It is on the Style channel. She is super entertaining and HONEST.

On her show she spoke about food addiction and I could absolutely relate. I find myself having obsessive thoughts about food. Feeling guilt and shame about my thoughts and then even more guilt and shame when I act on my compulsive thoughts.

I believe this quantifies addiction for me. Feeling shameful about something and then doing it anyways and feeling more shame.

Ugh, shame!

Ruby was saying that there is a reason why she is overweight. I have heard this before. Ask yourself how does your weight serve you? What does it do for you? If it did nothing for you, you wouldn't be overweight.

These questions have been on my mind and I have been praying about it. I mean, I can look at my childhood and my life and see lots of reasons WHY I am overweight, but none of them have that feel of "Oh yea, that is it!" None of them have resonated with me, until last night.

I am getting a little ahead of myself. So these questions are swirling in my head, along with acknowledging my food addiction and contemplating attending an OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meeting.

Yesterday I went to the local OA website to see where there is a meeting. Lo and behold, there is a meeting RIGHT AT MY CHURCH!!!

Thank you God! I hear you and I am listening!

The meeting is tonight. I am going.

Back to yesterday, so I was feeling like my prayers were answered and I am receiving nudges towards what I need to do for myself. Again, I am thinking about what could be the root cause of my weight and I was suddenly enormously aware of what my root issue is.

I will not be super specific because there are some things that are meant to remain private. It is not entirely my story to tell and out of love and respect, I choose not to share exactly, but...

Growing up, my first exposures to male/female relationships were extremely unhealthy. This happened during my pre-teen years, and had a huge impact on me. To this day, there are interactions that I see between men and women that actually turn my stomach. I feel repulsed.

As a result, I ate to hide myself in the hopes that men would never look at me that way, and to also comfort myself from a lot of pain.

In my senior year in high school, I lost quite a bit of weight and felt beautiful. Unfortunately, during that time, I had several experiences with men that reinforced my childhood belief that men are hurtful and should be avoided. Not that I avoided them, I actually did quite the opposite, to my own detriment.

Last night, I had one of those moments of perfect clarity, where I saw it all laid out in front of me and I could see how I got to where I am and why.

My root issue has been uncovered. Not that it is the only issue, but my root issue has spiraled me deeply into food addiction.

I feel peaceful and relieved. I now have something to work with. Rather than trying to take on my whole life issue, I can focus and tackle the one that is the biggest.

It took me a lot of years to see clearly, what I am sure others in my life have known all along. I wasn't ready.

Now, I am ready.

Tonight is my first OA meeting and I am hoping to get some guidance as to how to start to wade through and break old thought patterns. How do you change your mindsets? I am wondering if maybe some of this will be better dealt with a therapist? More praying to be done on this. I am willing to explore all options.

Last night was a big night for me. I also realized that a lot of my codependent behaviors have come back in full force. Of course, I have been justifying them and not seeing them for what they are. The question I need to continually ask myself is this:

Am I doing for an adult, what they can do for themselves?

I spoke with my Alanon sponsor, and she brought up finishing my 4th step. YUCK! Personal Inventory...EWWWW! But, that is what I am doing now. It seems to be time to finish my fourth step and move on to the 5th step.

4th step: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

5th step: Admitted to God and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

See why I am not crazy about the 4th and 5th step???

They hurt.

A lot.

They are also freeing and empowering and forgiving.

I guess the pros outweigh the cons. Still, this is some seriously heavy shit. (No pun(s) intended, well maybe, LOL)

Last night was super productive night for me on a personal level. I also discovered Kirstie Alley's Big Life.

HOLY SHIT! That show is freaking HILARIOUS!!!

The other bonus besides making me laught til I cry, is that it inspires me to workout while I watch it!

I love seeing women I can relate to on TV. Especially when watching makes me plan my fluids so I don't accidentally pee my pants from laughter!

Honestly, if hearing Kyle call tweeting, "twatting", does not make tears leak out of your eye balls;

you are dead to me.

Twatting on occasion,

Gabbi

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